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How to cope...

(41 Posts)
Lita4two Wed 14-Apr-21 18:54:48

I’m new here. We currently living in AZ going on a year. My husband hates it here and hates his job. We came here so that I can help my daughter(his step daughter) with her 2 boys for child care. She recently divorced. My husband hates that I don’t work and I’m home to watch the boys, he is so bitter. Recently he demanded that I get a job and not watch the my grandkids, because he wants to move out of AZ. He states he feels suicidal and if stated if anything happens he’ll let everyone know it was my fault. I feel sick to my stomach I love my only daughter and would move the world for her and my grandsons. Is this common in blended families?

AmberSpyglass Wed 14-Apr-21 18:59:15

I think it comes down to which one of them you want to stay with and support, because I don’t think you can choose both.

M0nica Wed 14-Apr-21 20:03:52

Yes, I appreciate you wanted to help your daughter, but surely in a situation like this, your husband should come first, and if he so didn't want to move and hates his job and it means that you are no longer working so he has to support you, because you are helping the grand children.

I know you have only one child and the 2 grandchildren, but there is many a single mother managing successfully on their own and the demands this is placing on your husband are unreasonable.

I am sorry, my sympathies are with your husband.

Oopsadaisy1 Wed 14-Apr-21 20:07:51

I’m with MOnica on this one, your daughter should be independent by now, time for you to get on with your life.

Where is AZ?

Blossoming Wed 14-Apr-21 20:22:31

Arizona. Are you in the US?

crazyH Wed 14-Apr-21 20:29:51

Are you in Arizona ? I was watching a film on Netflix (true story) ...about the Watts family in Arizona 😭

Shinamae Wed 14-Apr-21 20:30:58

What was that film called crazy H?

Aveline Wed 14-Apr-21 20:37:45

I don't know. The husband doesn't sound very nice. Pretty manipulative. How about him trying to find a job he prefers? Then possibly the OP could find a part time job?

AmberSpyglass Wed 14-Apr-21 21:08:07

Oh yeah, because men can never be depressed or suicidal!

Aveline Wed 14-Apr-21 21:22:53

Of course he could be but threatening to tell people it's the OP's fault?

M0nica Wed 14-Apr-21 23:12:47

Sounds to me, as if he is at the end of his tether. His whole life has been turned upside down, his wife has given up her job because he earns enough to support her. and then she spends most of her time with her DD and children. Did he have any say in this? It does not sound like it

I would be angry, upset and acting unreasonably if my spouse acted like this lady and just expected me to fall in with their demands that my child and grandchildren come before everything else, including me. I presume he is in a job he hates, because when they moved to AZ, with his wife not working, he had to take any job he could get and quickly and one he would enjoy was not available.

CanadianGran Thu 15-Apr-21 01:16:07

Wow, sounds like you two really need to sit down and discuss it properly. I don't know where you originally came from, but to pack up your life and job is a major upheaval. Was he eager to go when you made the decision? Does he have family he left so you could be with yours? What about friends? You have the benefit of company of your daughter and grandchildren, but what benefit does he have?

You need to make this work for both of you. He does sound a bit desperate, and threating suicide is pretty major cry for help. Perhaps a counselor is needed.

sukie Thu 15-Apr-21 02:30:21

I agree with MOnica on this and CanadianGran asks some important questions on which you should ponder. How would you feel if the situation was reversed? Think about it. He is telling you in no uncertain terms that he is miserable. You need to listen.

You ask if this is "common in blended families." I think it's common in a lot of families, blended or not. Husbands often feel neglected when the wife is overly involved with ac and dc.

I'm curious as to where you moved from. Arizona is beautiful but it's not for everyone. I've spent a bit of time there and love the mountains but personally cannot deal with the intense heat. I've known people who have moved there from other parts of the US and experienced extreme culture shock.

CafeAuLait Thu 15-Apr-21 02:50:00

While I don't agree with the way your husband has expressed himself, I think it's more important to listen to his underlying message here. He is in serious distress and I think you need to put this first. Many single mothers cope and your daughter is an adult who needs to work out how to manage her circumstances. It's nice if you can help her with childcare but not always realistic.

Can you clarify if your husband was having mental health difficulties before the move? Is it actually the location, or might he continue to have problems wherever you move to? Obviously moving can't happen overnight but I think I would commit to him that we will move if things can't be worked out, but he needs to seek help now and sort things out with professional support. You don't want to move again and find out that nothing has changed for him. He might think moving will make things better but it might not be that simple.

I think your situation is complex and needs the support of a trained professional to get to the heart of what is going on and what needs to be done to help your husband.

Loislovesstewie Thu 15-Apr-21 05:43:57

I agree with others; he sounds at the end of his tether. If he has moved away from his family/friends, does a job he hates and feels that he has all the responsibility on his shoulders then I can see why he feels anxious/depressed/stressed. If, prior to the move, he was well and helpful then it was the move and subsequent changes to his life that caused the change in him. What was he like before? Does he have children? Elderly parents and concerns for them? Anything else troubling him?
Please sit down with him and draw up a plan of action, if that means moving back I would do so. I'm not sure if that is what you want to hear, but I think he has reached crisis point.

Lita4two Thu 15-Apr-21 06:22:15

AZ is Arizona, US.

Lita4two Thu 15-Apr-21 06:32:55

It was his suggestion to move here to help her. We are stable financially. I do get paid $200.00 a week and I put that towards our future move. This was his plan just that what we are doing. But now he makes me feel like I put us here. The plan was to help her, live here for a year or two. But I feel that like this is not healthy for either of us.

CafeAuLait Thu 15-Apr-21 06:41:19

Whatever the plan, your husband is now having a mental health crisis and needs urgent intervention. Can you take him to see his doctor? If he's actively threatening suicide, ER.

Lita4two Thu 15-Apr-21 06:48:37

Before our move to Arizona, we had moved to Oregon on his suggestion. We were there for 9 months. Prior to that we lived in Hawaii (14 years) moved there from California, again his suggestion. We did not make any real friends in Oregon. I made a lot of close friends in Hawaii, that I dearly miss. I have a 25 yo stepson he may never be able to live on his own. He’s capable of holding a job and cook for himself. He has mild autism or on the spectrum.

Lita4two Thu 15-Apr-21 06:51:22

I’m currently looking for doctors that take his insurance. He asked me to do it since I’m home all day. I don’t have an issue on helping him. I want to help him.

CafeAuLait Thu 15-Apr-21 06:52:08

Being on the spectrum, he may find change difficult. People on the spectrum also have higher rates of depression, anxiety and suicide. What help are you seeking for him?

Aveline Thu 15-Apr-21 07:51:27

Grass is always greener somewhere else? Sounds like it, hence the regular moves. How fair is it to expect you to up sticks so often and lose friendships and be unable to put down roots? Your own mental health will be at risk soon.
I suspect that he won't change any time soon. I suspect that the OP knows that.

Galaxy Thu 15-Apr-21 07:55:42

I think you should get some support for yourself, womans aid my be helpful, whilst it is clear that your husband needs help, making someone do things under the threat of suicide is controlling behaviour, please speak to someone.

PippaZ Thu 15-Apr-21 08:03:00

I can't agree that your husband has to come first - why? We don't live in the dark ages and you must make the best decision for you: not your husband and not your daughter. Only then will you be any good for anyone else.

Sadly no one can tell you what that decision needs to be. Only you can know but whichever way you decide you will have some difficult times ahead so I wish you well.

Loislovesstewie Thu 15-Apr-21 08:48:50

PippaZ

I can't agree that your husband has to come first - why? We don't live in the dark ages and you must make the best decision for you: not your husband and not your daughter. Only then will you be any good for anyone else.

Sadly no one can tell you what that decision needs to be. Only you can know but whichever way you decide you will have some difficult times ahead so I wish you well.

Because if he is having a mental health crisis /issue then his health has to come first. He might well have expressed himself poorly but if he has reached a point of desperation he needs to be listened to and given empathy and practical help.
If it was the woman saying this would you think any differently I wonder?