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Upset my daughter because of her weight

(25 Posts)
Gingster Tue 11-May-21 11:14:34

I was walking little pooch and way up the road , someone was waving to me. I couldn’t tell who it was but I thought it could be one of my friends. As we got closer, I realised it was my daughter. I said to her ‘ i thought you were .......! She was very affronted as my friend is rather large. DD has put on weight since her last child 5 years ago. She used to be so slim and was a ballet dancer. She attended dance college and was weighed every week by the head. She doesn’t drive so walks everywhere, has 4 children and has a physical job. She just can’t seem to take the weight off. She needs to lose at least 2 or 3 stone.

I feel so bad that I have upset her. 😢. What a stupid mum I am.

Smileless2012 Tue 11-May-21 11:21:43

I hope your D will understand that you weren't being deliberately insensitive Gingster.

What struck me about your OP was your reference to her being a former ballet dancer and being "weighed every week by the head". I wonder if her weight gain is not just due to having had 4 children, and despite having a physical job, a more sedentary life style, but on a much deeper level a reaction to having had to have controlled her weight so rigidly when she was younger and having it regularly monitored.

Just a thought.

You 'put your foot in it', it happens to the best of us but you're not "a stupid mum", you're a caring and loving mum which is why you feel so bad about it.

EllanVannin Tue 11-May-21 11:23:15

Now you've done it grin I wouldn't worry as she sounds active enough and so long as she's fit and healthy so no problem. Your DD probably realises that she's put on a bit of weight, but doesn't need reminding.
Just apologise next time you see her and tell her you're going to spec-savers hahahaha. ( by way of a lighthearted gesture )

Kali2 Tue 11-May-21 11:24:56

Weight is such a massive issue- and taboo- and especially between mother and daughter (and even worse with mother-in-law!). Don't beat yourself up about it- and hope your daughter will open up about what is causing the weight gain.

aggie Tue 11-May-21 11:25:34

Oh no , don’t apologise , unless she mentions it , don’t bring up the subject !

Oopsadaisy1 Tue 11-May-21 11:29:29

She ‘Needs’ to lose 2 or 3 stone??

I suspect as another poster has said that it’s a reaction to being weighed every week.

She sounds fairly fit, well and happy, please don’t mention it again, unless she mentions it first.

TrendyNannie6 Tue 11-May-21 11:32:54

You didn’t do it deliberately though did you! You do seem to be a bit judgemental about her weight though! Mentioning she needs to lose 2/3 stone, lots of people have put on weight particularly in the lockdown and for some it’s not that easy to lose, she will be aware that’s she’s put excess weight on and yes as a ballet dancer would have been slim, but she’s not a ballet dancer now, has 4 children, she sounds a busy lady, I wouldn’t worry too much the weight will come off when she’s ready! Sadly we can’t all be as slim as we were years ago

olddudders Tue 11-May-21 11:34:52

I adore ballet, but the dancers verge on anorexic in order to stay slim and fit, and many of them smoke to help that. A body that has been steeped in such strictures may well seize the opportunity to achieve a more normal shape once other lifestyles intervene. We aren't all naturally skinny.

Since she has children there is obviously a partner who no doubt adores her, as do you. She has a lot going for her.

And have your eyes been tested recently? Just a thought!

NanaandGrampy Tue 11-May-21 11:43:10

Speaking as a fat person ( lets skip all those well meant euphemisms) does she NEED to lose 2 or 3 stone or would you LIKE her to OP?

She sounds like she is active and I am presuming relatively healthy so IF she wants to lose weight then that is her decision so you can want all you like its unlikely you can make that happen . Nothing is guaranteed to steer people away from weight loss than pressure from their nearest and dearest in my experience.

As others have pointed out a fixation on her weight in her younger life may influence her choices now.

jaylucy Tue 11-May-21 11:44:06

As an ex ballet dancer, I can say that I believe that the regime that you have to follow means that when that regime is relaxed, it is oh so easy to put on weight .
Please don't mention her weight as she will be fully aware of the amount that she has gained while having her 4 children and she may well be following the "grab what you can, while you can " form of nutrition.
Maybe helping her by taking care of the children for the odd morning or afternoon so that she can take part in some form of excercise either at a gym, local class or at home - or maybe say that you need support and ask her to help you.
Apart from that, can only suggest you have an eye test so that you don't do it again!!!

greenlady102 Tue 11-May-21 12:00:32

jaylucy

As an ex ballet dancer, I can say that I believe that the regime that you have to follow means that when that regime is relaxed, it is oh so easy to put on weight .
Please don't mention her weight as she will be fully aware of the amount that she has gained while having her 4 children and she may well be following the "grab what you can, while you can " form of nutrition.
Maybe helping her by taking care of the children for the odd morning or afternoon so that she can take part in some form of excercise either at a gym, local class or at home - or maybe say that you need support and ask her to help you.
Apart from that, can only suggest you have an eye test so that you don't do it again!!!

like she is not going to see RIGHT THROUGH those suggestions....I am quite shocked at the "dance college and weighed every week by the head" that sounds like verging on abusive.

Hithere Tue 11-May-21 12:05:03

Whether it was deliberate or not, it clearly hurt her.

I would sincerely apologize and commit to never ever mention it again: " my comment was very insensitive and it is none of my business. I promise it won't happen again. I love you."

Grammaretto Tue 11-May-21 12:10:19

I also get a bit of a surprise when I see how all almost all my DC have matured with age and parental responsibilities and although it's lovely to look at old photos of these beautiful young people they and we once were, I think it is unhealthy to focus on weight gain.
As others have said, she is busy and active and walks everywhere so is probably extremely fit just not the skinny girl you remember.

Do you yourself have to "watch your weight?" just a thought

ExD Tue 11-May-21 12:10:55

My nickname on here stands for "ex dancer" so I agree with the others that once you stop the arduous classes and tiny meals your body reacts by storing every calorie it pounces on.
I admire people like Darcy Bussell who manage to maintain a slim figure, but assume she is still taking great care of her food intake.
Your poor daughter knows she 'needs' to lose a stone or two so that's why she's so upset.
But she'll get over it, stop beating yourself up, and don't mention it again.

Grammaretto Tue 11-May-21 12:12:19

I also get a bit of a surprise when I see how all almost all my DC have matured with age and parental responsibilities and although it's lovely to look at old photos of these beautiful young people they and we once were, I think it is unhealthy to focus on weight gain.
As others have said, she is busy and active and walks everywhere so is probably extremely fit just not the skinny girl you remember.

Do you yourself have to "watch your weight?" just a thought
If so maybe you could help eachother?

Atqui Tue 11-May-21 12:18:14

I feel for you .. and your daughter. As long as you don’t let her know you are worried about her weight she will get over it, or it might kick start a healthy eating regime. As Nanagrampa said pressure from family is counterproductive ( I’m fat too)!A friend once asked me if I was “letting myself go”. It hurt at the time but I forgave her! We all make mistakes x

timetogo2016 Tue 11-May-21 12:21:04

I agree with aggie,
Least said soonest mended.

Granny23 Tue 11-May-21 12:23:47

My DD and I have a pact. I do not mention her continuing weight gain and in return she does not nag me about smoking.

loopyloo Tue 11-May-21 12:25:24

Take it from me it is very easy to upset one's daughter!!!. I think you touched a raw nerve.
And weight is a very emotional issue.
She sounds like a very busy lady. 4 children and works.
What I think she might appreciate is some compliments on her appearance and some help to get some "me" time as it's called.

sodapop Tue 11-May-21 12:28:52

Don't beat yourself up over this Gingster let it go now and don't comment further unless your daughter instigates the conversation. You are a caring Mum but focus on the positives. Your daughter is a good Mum too and is working hard looking after four children be proud of her. It's your perception that she needs to lose 3 stone, when she is ready to lose weight be there to help otherwise leave things alone.

Kim19 Tue 11-May-21 12:36:58

If there's one person who know they're overweight it's the person carrying it and they never need a comment on it. Never. Comments often simply make them more miserable inside and with many that can mean more food indulgence. Let anyone who is completely happy with their weight or appearance be the first to judge. It's just plain unkind and intrusive no matter how close the relationship.

Gingster Tue 11-May-21 12:44:14

Thankyou all so much for your comments. I think I will let sleeping dogs lie and not broach the subject with her.

We are naturally a very skinny family but tend to put in weight in middle age. Still got skinny legs though ! 😂. DD is now 42 .
I do worry about her health as she has high blood pressure. I too wondered if it had anything to do with the regime at ballet school. I wasn’t happy about the weighing routine at the time but never said anything.

Hithere Tue 11-May-21 12:44:34

It is easy to offend anybody if you know which buttons to push

GrannySomerset Tue 11-May-21 12:50:15

Spot on, Kim, couldn’t have put it better.

Callistemon Tue 11-May-21 12:52:51

Thankyou all so much for your comments. I think I will let sleeping dogs lie and not broach the subject with her.

I think that's very wise, Gingster

The recent publicity about the British Gymnastics team was very worrying, I thought. We have skinny gymnasts in the family and I wouldn't like to think they worried about their weight, causing problems as they get older.