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'That' type of husband.

(102 Posts)
kircubbin2000 Wed 15-Sep-21 21:43:05

Missing a couple of friends at a get together today someone described them as having THAT sort of husband. This was accompanied by nods and eye rolls from some. I asked what they meant but they just laughed. I think they meant the type who control partners activities and like to keep them close and to know what they are doing and expect them home to look after the house.
I think it's better to have a life of your own and not expect to share everything.

Jackiest Wed 15-Sep-21 22:26:04

Were the husbands invited. My husband would not go to a social event that I was barred from and I would not go to one he was barred from. Some people like being a couple.

Blossoming Wed 15-Sep-21 22:39:19

Oh, a controlling husband! I’m glad I don’t have one of those too. We don’t do everything together, I’m useless at DIY and he can’t sew for toffee! We both love the seaside and the moors and spending time in the great outdoors doing nothing in particular and we get along happily without following other people’s rules grin

BlueBelle Wed 15-Sep-21 22:51:28

I didn’t read that anyone was barred jackiest

V3ra Wed 15-Sep-21 22:55:37

I don't read it as the husbands were barred as such, more that it was an informal ladies get-together.
Most of our socialising, with other people, is done separately.
My husband's currently away for the week playing golf.
I'll be away for a week in February with three friends, two of whom are widows.
We each have nights out with our own group of friends.
As a couple, plus with other family members, we'll be at a quiz on Friday.
We particularly enjoy shopping trips and weekends in our caravan together.

I had a friend whose husband was one who liked her at home. If she called at my house for a morning coffee he would ring at 11:30 to say he'd made her a sandwich and when would she be home for lunch. She'd roll her eyes, but she'd say, "I'd better go" and would leave.
It would drive me mad!

grannyactivist Wed 15-Sep-21 22:59:18

Jackiest I really do like being part of a couple, but I also go to many social events alone, as does my husband. He was at an ‘all men’ event on Saturday and stayed away overnight - with not just my blessing, but also my encouragement.

He has as much chance of controlling me as herding cats! 😂

Jackiest Thu 16-Sep-21 05:57:59

BlueBelle

I didn’t read that anyone was barred jackiest

That is why I asked if husbands were invited.

We do do things separately but is always because we choose not to join our partner. He plays squash and although I am no good at squash but I know that I would be welcome if I went along and joined them at the bar afterwards. I am part of a history group and although it is not his interest he knows he would be welcome. We would never do anything that would exclude our partner if they wanted to come.

absent Thu 16-Sep-21 06:57:30

It seems that quite a lot of men define themselves very narrowly by the job they do and not by much else – possibly as fine sportsmen when young, the family driver, even the "handyman" or as sofa pundit when old. Women, almost by definition, especially if they are also mothers and, possibly, grandmothers, have many roles and functions. Consequently, they paint a broader canvas of their self-portraits. I also think that there is still an underlying feeling, if no longer a conviction, that men are in some way superior to women and, therefore, entitled to expect women to respond readily to their orders, demands, choices, etc. Some of them are still living in the 1950s. Not all men, by any means, but "that" type of husband.

kircubbin2000 Thu 16-Sep-21 07:42:47

Jackiest

Were the husbands invited. My husband would not go to a social event that I was barred from and I would not go to one he was barred from. Some people like being a couple.

It was an informal ladies chat in a church,a drop in for all but it has always been of interest to women. We did have a man join us a few times but no other husbands have been interested.Some babies also come.

Carenza123 Thu 16-Sep-21 07:58:22

It is more healthy for a couple to have their own interests. I empathise with this situation. I am taken to and from my interests by my other half as he ‘needs’ the car.

Jackiest Thu 16-Sep-21 08:31:21

kircubbin2000

Jackiest

Were the husbands invited. My husband would not go to a social event that I was barred from and I would not go to one he was barred from. Some people like being a couple.

It was an informal ladies chat in a church,a drop in for all but it has always been of interest to women. We did have a man join us a few times but no other husbands have been interested.Some babies also come.

Then as husbands can go if they wish I would happily go along and my husband would be happy for me to go. Whether or not my husband would join me would be up to him. Our interests do not follow the standard stereotypical male female lines.

seacliff Thu 16-Sep-21 08:47:39

I love having my own interests and go out socially more than OH. I really enjoy having a good chat with women friends, and it's good for me mentally.

OH would also benefit from having more male friends but won't make the effort.

We also do some things together, Ukulele group etc, pub quiz etc, so we have a good balance.

I think SOME old school men don't always want their wife going out socially without them. My FIL was like that, but my MIL ignored him quite a lot and still went.

Kandinsky Thu 16-Sep-21 08:52:01

Unfortunately, I have ‘one of those husbands’ - very controlling.

BlueSky Thu 16-Sep-21 08:58:33

When I was working we had a male colleague whose wife would always join the office parties when other spouses wouldn’t. I would have been most embarrassed if my DH had done that.

Grandmadinosaur Thu 16-Sep-21 08:59:42

I’m retired and DH is still working so I’ve forged a social life for myself . I’ve told him that when he retires he needs to find some more things to occupy his time. Saying that he goes to the gym and cycles some days before work. He can do these at his leisure when the time comes.
We do share a love of travel, eating out and we will have more time to spend with grandchildren. I think on the whole it will be a good balance.
He’s never stopped me from seeing friends etc without him and never would and vice versa.

Forsythia Thu 16-Sep-21 09:06:17

We have a balance. I go to exercise class, he has a ‘boys’ night out at the pub. We both have our own car and I couldn’t imagine having to ask him to drive me somewhere. Having said all that, we like being together and go for a walk nearly every day. We both like RHS and National Trust. He likes being busy with gardening and DIY pottering about. I enjoy reading and knitting. We seem to strike a happy balance.

fatgran57 Thu 16-Sep-21 09:08:59

absent I do agree with what you have written. Life is pleasant when the husband is getting his own way so it is mostly easier just to go along with it - we do have a choice but it is limited to the places that the man likes to go to etc.
Some men like very limited lives re going out where to dine and so on.

I am often asked what are my plans for the day and when I offer a suggestion then it turns out he has other ideas so why ask me in the first place?

Still he is good really and I wouldn't like to be without him - just having a whinge really!

Ladyleftfieldlover Thu 16-Sep-21 09:09:34

Like most couples there are things we do together and things we do separately. Because OH worked overseas a lot I have always had a range of activities which I am involved in.He only has one or two now but wouldn’t dream of stopping me doing what I want! I warned him before he retired that he should get some more hobbies, but he hasn’t. He is happy to stay home watching football on the television while I’m doing Book Group, WI or whatever.

sodapop Thu 16-Sep-21 09:18:17

When I remarried we were both still working so no evidence of this type of behaviour. However once we were retired my husband was not happy with me having separate outside interests. We had a frank conversation about this otherwise known as a heated argument . Now we do a lot of things together but also we have separate interests and friends. Makes for a much happier life.

timetogo2016 Thu 16-Sep-21 12:08:32

Kandinsky,well as long as you are happy that`s good.

ginny Thu 16-Sep-21 12:54:29

. We both have our own interests which the other would not enjoy. We also have several things that we both enjoy and do together.
I wouldn’t like to be taken and collected every time ( unless there was no alternative). Of course we tell each other where we are going and a rough time we might be back but there is no pressure.

Daisend1 Thu 16-Sep-21 13:27:16

Myself and late DH enjoyed nothing more once our family left home than the occasional separate holiday.Myself with the gals him with the guys.Frowned upon as you can imagine and questioned do you trust each other .We were able to celebrate our golden wedding so must have.

Witzend Thu 16-Sep-21 20:06:30

Went too soon!

Although I never actually set eyes on him, a ‘that husband’ who’s really stuck in my head was one I just heard about briefly.

At the library, a woman of maybe late 50s/early 60s, put a pile of audio books on the counter.
The person who was with her, presumably a friend, asked why she wasn’t taking any ‘proper’ books home.

The reply came in an apologetic, half ashamed half-whisper. ‘He doesn’t like me reading.’

I honestly felt like shaking her and asking why the hell she didn’t just tell him where to go!

Cossy Fri 17-Sep-21 10:36:28

Yesterday 08:52 Kandinsky

Unfortunately, I have ‘one of those husbands’ - very controlling.

That’s very sad to hear Kandinsky - I hope you’re OK NO ONE has the right to control anyone else !

JaneJudge Fri 17-Sep-21 10:40:48

I hope you are ok too Kandinsky sad

Sodapop, different scenario but we have both been forced to work from home during covid/lockdowns etc and are still continuing to. I found in the first few months after the initial lockdown I was being questioned about what I was doing and where I was going and who I was seeing and we had a massive argument a heated conversation too. It thankfully then stopped grin