Gransnet forums


Multigenerational home

(60 Posts)
Liveinnan Mon 20-Sep-21 23:08:20

When my DD became pregnant I invited her and her BF to share my home with their baby. They accepted as they were not in a position to buy or rent a place of their own. They have since had a second child. Luckily my house is big enough for the two little girls to each have a bedroom of their own. Not only does my DD have rent free accommodation but free childcare when she is at work. We all get along reasonably well but an incident today has upset me. In order to have solar panels installed some scaffolding was erected to enable the panels to be fixed to our roof in a few days time. My 4 year old DGD decided she wanted to get out of her bedroom window on the first floor and walk on the scaffolding which is above my glass conservatory. I told her no she could not as it would be dangerous. She reacted with lots of tears. Her dad said it was ok but needed my help to get her through the window. I refused and he told my DGD that she’d have to wait until her mother gets home from work. When my DD returned I told her I thought it wrong to allow the child to climb out of her window onto the scaffolding as it could injure her if it all went wrong and she could fall through the glass roof of my conservatory. Her reaction was that she was going to allow it as herBF had made his mind up that it was going to happen, presumably to appease my DGD, who had made such a scene at not getting her own way. Well she walked on the scaffolding and thankfully there was no terrible accident, but afterwards she came up to me gloating that she had done it. I found the whole thing upsetting to think that as parents they were willing to take that risk with their daughter and also with my property. I’d be interested to hear others opinion.

Neen Mon 20-Sep-21 23:15:27

I can understand why your upset. Maybe time for the gentleman to provide for his family under his own roof then he can have his own rules.

ElaineI Mon 20-Sep-21 23:19:05

I am sorry but this cannot be a real post! I cannot believe any human being would think it was, in any form, excusable to allow a child under at least 12 to go out a window any higher than ground level and walk on scaffolding!!! If an adult walked on scaffolding erected by builders, the builders could get into serious trouble. Worse still if a child under guidance from carers did! Are you for real? If you are is your daughter for real? Totally utterly unbelievable!!!!!

Granmarderby10 Mon 20-Sep-21 23:20:11

Well Liveinnan my opinion is that your daughter and her boyfriend must be round the twist.

Liveinnan Mon 20-Sep-21 23:26:49

I can assure you it is absolutely true. It all happened about 6 hours ago and I’m still reeling from it. When I told my partner what had happened he said I was overreacting and that I had no right to interfere in what my daughter allows her child to do. I keep thinking how terrible if it had ended with my GD falling through my conservatory glass roof.

CanadianGran Mon 20-Sep-21 23:34:02

I think it is time to remind them whose house it is, and therefore whose rules must be followed.

Please don't allow your good will to be exploited.

Chewbacca Tue 21-Sep-21 00:04:55

If the scaffolding contractor knew that, in his absence, a child had been able to climb out of a window, crawl onto the scaffolding and walk along it over a glass roof, I strongly suspect that he'd dismantle the whole lot and walk out of the job immediately. He would know that, if the HSE got to know of it, he would very likely lose his license and possibly be fined as well. He has to pay an enormous amount of money to insure not just the scaffolding equipment but also his employees who use it. He also has to pay for Public Liability insurance, just in case someone is daft enough to let a child climb on it. You're risking a lot Liveinnan.

Hithere Tue 21-Sep-21 00:09:54

One point for neen.
Your daughter and sil should be able to live in the own by now.

grannyactivist Tue 21-Sep-21 00:20:32

Liveinnan I would have blown a gasket - and I’m not usually known for overreacting.

As Chewbacca has pointed out, scaffolding is subject to rigorous H&S rules and regulations, so feel free to click on this link and then go and quote from the first three headings!

V3ra Tue 21-Sep-21 00:23:46

Liveinnan I'd be reeling as well. What irresponsible parents to that four year old child.
And as for your partner's reaction, well if a child is at risk you are not overreacting and it most certainly is your business.
Good grief 🤦

freedomfromthepast Tue 21-Sep-21 00:32:43

While I typically say you do not override a parents decisions, this is a HUGE safety concern. You are well within your right to not allow it on your watch. If it were me, I would have told daughter and SIL that they can take care of this when they are home.

Grannyactivist and chewbacca are correct, this could cause the contractor to lose his license, but more importantly, it could have cause your gd serious harm.

welbeck Tue 21-Sep-21 01:32:42

you have let them get the upper hand in your house.
why do they pay no rent.
they should move out. these conflicts will get worse.
by the way why did the child have to wait for her mother to come home; why didn't her father help her out the window.
just wondering.
but of course it all sounds batty, nay hazardous in the extreme.
you could ring nspcc advice line.

Liveinnan Tue 21-Sep-21 01:56:31

In answer to your questions. They don’t pay rent as I hoped by not doing so they would be able to save to provide for themselves in the future. They pay a contribution to the utility bills. My DGD had to wait for her mother to come home because I had refused to assist from inside the bedroom. My SIL was outside on the scaffolding and needed help getting my GD out of the window from the inside. Maybe a call to nspcc would be in order. Imagine the family breakdown that would occur if I did that though.

welbeck Tue 21-Sep-21 02:52:22

why was SIL out on the scaffolding.
you didn't mention that before, so was he working from it, was he supervising the child on it.
still not right.
i meant you could ring nspcc to share your concerns, get advice.
not report them. you don't have to give identifying details.
you are at risk of being cuckooed in your own house.
it's time for them to move out.
what was the plan. what incentive do they have to move out.

maydonoz Tue 21-Sep-21 10:10:38

Hi Liveinnan
I too find it incredible that parents would allow/enable their child to take such a risk just to appease the little one. It should have been explained to her that it was very dangerous, as you tried to do, and a complete NO, NO. She would have had her tantrum and gotten over it in a short time by distracting her with something else.
Now she has learned that she can get her own way by causing a fuss, this could be a difficult lesson to unlearn.
I sympathise with you, you tried your best and got no support, even from your partner. I'm afraid I'd be sitting down with my family having a serious conversation as to how to move forward.
While in your home they must respect your rules, especially when it involves the welfare of small children.
Good luck and hope things improve for you. It sounds like they need their own place.

Hetty58 Tue 21-Sep-21 10:13:38

I'm finding this hard to fathom. Most sensible adults would call the police if they saw a child being put in danger - wouldn't they?

Germanshepherdsmum Tue 21-Sep-21 12:48:53

This is horrifying. You seem to be the only sane person in the house. I’m sure you’ve heard of occupier’s liability. You have a legal duty to ensure that people visiting your property - which includes your temporary ‘lodgers’ - are safe there, so far as reasonably possible. If the child had suffered an accident civil, and indeed criminal had the accident been fatal, liability could have fallen on your shoulders if you had permitted or assisted in this recklessness. Your house, your rules. Hope they can soon get a place of their own. It beggars belief that anyone could think this kind of behaviour should be encouraged.

Eviebeanz Tue 21-Sep-21 13:00:03

It is clearly time for them to make a home of their own in their own property- I suspect that they won't have saved at all. However in my view once you have been disregarded in this way in your own home there is no going back. Be careful that they do not try to take over your home and sideline you.
Your partner's views are interesting if completely unhelpful. 🤔

EMMF1948 Tue 21-Sep-21 13:06:43


Liveinnan I'd be reeling as well. What irresponsible parents to that four year old child.
And as for your partner's reaction, well if a child is at risk you are not overreacting and it most certainly is your business.
Good grief 🤦

Have the paretns of this child ensured that she cannot repeat this stunt when they're not there to enable her? If not and there's an accident they'll be blaming you and wanting to claim from your insurance.
Time for them to go.

25Avalon Tue 21-Sep-21 13:08:15

What idiots! You could have reported them to the NSPCC and social services. I would have done. Your gd’s safety is paramount.

eazybee Tue 21-Sep-21 15:30:55

Do you have window locks?
This child, having been encouraged by her parents to crawl out onto the scaffolding, will attempt to do it herself, when there are no adults around.
Lock the windows and confiscate all the keys. Do not release them until the scaffolding has been removed.

Liveinnan Tue 21-Sep-21 18:13:59

Good advice*eazybee*. I will certainly do that.

Grandmagrim Tue 21-Sep-21 18:32:15

Firstly, it must be a great relief to you that your dgd was not injured. Your SIL was undoubted being ridiculous and reckless. Young folk don’t always see the dangers that stare them in the face even where their own offspring are concerned. I’d talk to both of them and remind them that you can’t be responsible for any such recklessness and therefore must insist that it becomes a hard rule, that adults don’t over rule each other in front of small people.
Living in a multigenerational household is not easy, there are so many compromises that must be made on all sides, but safety isn’t one of them.
The part of your op that gives me concern above the dangerous aspect is that your dgd has learned to control all the adults and shows it by gloating.
I’ve had to have words with one of my dad’s along the lines of “rule 1 mummy and daddy are boss rule 2 I come a very very close second, rule 3 she is never the boss” I won’t stand for cheek, frankly for a busy household to work every member needs to accept that and work towards supporting every other member to making it so.
thankstry not to let the stress of it overwhelm you

FarNorth Tue 21-Sep-21 21:31:15

So that link clearly says that the contractor should make possible entry points safe, to prevent unauthorised access.

You could bring it to their attention that the child's access via the window (and anywhere else) should be blocked.

welbeck Wed 22-Sep-21 02:42:50

the windows need to be restricted opening anyway, above ground level, where young children are living.