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Now I'm really going to be on my own

(46 Posts)
mumski Sun 28-Nov-21 11:28:14

Just wanted to share the fear as it's a bit over whelming today. I was widowed 2 and a half years ago at 60. I can't put into words how much I miss him. Between us we had 5 children and the house was always full noisy and lovely. All the children have moved on to Uni, jobs elsewhere as they should.
My eldest daughter who is still living at home will be moving out to share her sisters house with her next week. I know it's such a good thing for her, but I really struggling with the idea of really being on my own now. I'm just getting over Covid which I guess doesn't help.
I absolutely hate the idea of appearing needy or turning into my mother.
I'm going to do all the obvious stuff like see friends when I feel up to it and re join a choir.
Just feel as if I've suddenly become old and will be rattling around in my house. Just feel like sitting and crying. I'm working hard to not let my daughter know how I feel. Sorry for going on. Just feel over whelmed

nanaK54 Sun 28-Nov-21 11:33:33

I'm sad for you mumski I can't offer any helpful advice but I'm sending you a virtual hug

MayBeMaw Sun 28-Nov-21 11:38:10

Sincere sympathy, a huge hug - and (with the exception of the D going to university) I could just about have written your post having lost my DH 4 years ago.
You have suffered a triple whammy- the last of your children to move out , that dratted lockdown and losing your husband. Any one of those would have floored most people- and indeed has done, judging by the “empty nest” feelings so many complain of., lockdown woes etc.
In addition, people have probably stopped “ feeling sorry for you” at being bereaved, you are expected to have “got over it” and allowances, generous gestures of company or just coffee are back to where they were if they ever existed.
After all (to quote) “We are not the first and won’t be the last” to be in this position.
You may find, like me that you have to be the proactive one, with all the risks of appearing needy and risking rejection involved.
I wish there were answers, if you hear of any I’d be glad of them too.
But in the meantime you are not alone flowersflowers

MayBeMaw Sun 28-Nov-21 11:39:04

Sorry - not university, “sharing with her sister” blush

Peasblossom Sun 28-Nov-21 11:49:25

I hated the big empty house so much that I moved. Most people told me to stay in the village where I knew people but I needed. fresh start. Not the same with holes in it.

Bought a little house, went travelling, made friends with people in similar circumstances, instead of couples who felt sorry for me or friends tied up with grandchildren 🙁

All a bit difficult to now though. And not the answer for everyone 💐

Katie59 Sun 28-Nov-21 15:33:01

At 60 you are not old get out enjoy yourself find friends renew old friends, find a new man you have a whole new adventure in front of you
I was 60 when I renewed my life and it is just wonderful, but you are not going to do it sitting at home

JaneJudge Sun 28-Nov-21 15:36:12

It is ok to feel sad flowers I'm sorry x

MayBeMaw Sun 28-Nov-21 15:49:27

Katie59

At 60 you are not old get out enjoy yourself find friends renew old friends, find a new man you have a whole new adventure in front of you
I was 60 when I renewed my life and it is just wonderful, but you are not going to do it sitting at home

With all due respect - OP probably doesn’t want “ a new man” . If she is anything like me, she wants the old one back.
Such an insensitive remark.

Grammaretto Sun 28-Nov-21 15:50:31

I hope this is just how you feel today mumski.
If you are really depressed then you need help but if it is just now because of " losing " your DD then that is different and you will get used to being on your own.
I have been widowed exactly a year so I am at the stage where people kindly offer suggestions like "when are you moving?"
One friend (?) phoned this last week to offer commiserations but ended up telling me all about her wonderful summer with her DH and their best friends. I was holding back the tears and then blurted out that I was crying, couldn't speak, and hung up.

I have joined U3A plus a couple of other groups where I can see people if I get lonely. I have friends round about too but I am by myself a lot. I don't mind it though.

I am quite surprised, looking around at how many people I know who do live alone. When you are a couple you stop noticing.

I have just hosted 2 French girls via Helpx for a couple of weeks to help me with things I needed help with.
www.helpx.net/ that was fun.

LauraNorderr Sun 28-Nov-21 16:00:48

I’m sorry you’re feeling low Mumski but you’ve come to the right place for empathy and support.
There are many on Gransnet who have similar experience and invariably offer good advice and a hand of friendship.
Big fat virtual hug 🤗

aonk Sun 28-Nov-21 16:03:25

The OP mentions that she’d just had covid. It’s not unusual to feel low and sad whilst recovering from a virus. I wouldn’t belittle her fears but hope she’ll soon feel stronger and more positive. In the meantime rest and self care are so important.

Grannybags Sun 28-Nov-21 16:04:13

Sending you hugs flowers

BlueBelle Sun 28-Nov-21 16:18:14

Katie I find that post of yours quite disrespectful the original poster mumski isn’t divorced she lost a much loved husband why on earth would you advise her to get a new man Thoughtless at the least

You have had a double whammy and they do come along I lost my mum, dad and job in the same year Volunteering has been my saving grace
There are many places to help…. reading with children in schools, helping out at theatres, charity shops, community groups… and like * grammeratto* said I also hosted overseas mature students for a while it helped the house from feeling empty and I got a small amount of money for that
If you ve just got over CoviD you may not feel like these ideas yet but maybe in the new year
I ve been divorced many years so I m used to being on my own now but things can still bite you in the bum
Good luck mumski

seacliff Sun 28-Nov-21 16:22:40

It's so hard, coming to terms with children leaving, getting on with their own lives, which of course is as it should be. But it makes you feel a bit redundant all of a sudden, and the house is so quiet. Added to that of course you've sadly lost your husband at a young age. Then getting over covid, no wonder you feel low.

I'm glad you have some real friends who you can chat to. Open up and say how you're feeling. Hopefully you can have a few chats/outings that might lift your spirits a bit. At some point you might feel like trying volunteering, something locally that appeals to you? It would make you feel useful again and part of the community. I'm sure you'll adjust and feel happy again before too long. Hugs

Charleygirl5 Sun 28-Nov-21 16:33:28

I have been on my own since 1988 and although it is not easy, I try to make the most of it. I have met some very pleasant people on GN, meeting for coffee regularly or emailing frequently but never having met them.

It is lovely not having to think about what to have for the evening meal or when to start preparing it. I can have a bowl of cereal if I want. I can also watch what I like on TV- there are definite pluses.

That is a good idea to renting a room out for a short period of time- you will make some extra money and there will be another person (s) around.

We are always here and also understand.

Nonogran Sun 28-Nov-21 16:35:27

I found the best panacea was having something in my diary to look forward to, for example, every weekend. I planned weeks ahead, invited girlfriends to my house, sometimes for supper, or went out & met them elsewhere. Just a cup of tea & cake, a walk in the woods or by the sea, gave me social interaction and a diversion to look fwd to.
You must reach out to the world for the world will not come to you.
You’ll be fine. You’ll see. Chin up.

sodapop Sun 28-Nov-21 16:40:17

Sorry you are feeling overwhelmed at the moment mumski such big changes in your life its understandable. Don't try to make sense of everything all at once,get yourself well again and take each day as it comes. It's the start of a new chapter in your life when you can do some of the things you always wanted to. 60 is the new 40 good luck.

Jaxjacky Sun 28-Nov-21 16:49:05

mumski I haven’t been where you are, it must be hard today, but there will be brighter days for you. Others on here will be more helpful than me, but you’re in my thoughts 🌻

Granniesunite Sun 28-Nov-21 16:55:11

You've good reason to feel sad but I hope that with time you find new ways to fill that void. Day at a time comes to mind.

merlotgran Sun 28-Nov-21 17:15:57

A hug from me as well mumski. I lost my DH 8 months ago and my way of dealing with the predicted loneliness was to move. A bit drastic you might think but with the family all living hours away I knew I would rarely see them. My friends either had their families nearby, had moved to be with them or had died so I felt a new start was the right thing to do.

Your feelings won't last. Rejoin your choir and see your friends. Do you have any hobbies you can do at home for the days when you don't feel a bit like going out?

The winter weather won't be helping but that too will pass.

Chin up and Good Luck!

Alypoole Sun 28-Nov-21 17:17:49

Not much advice but thinking of you.

VioletSky Sun 28-Nov-21 17:23:20

I am so sorry, I hope you find lots of joy to fill your life with after this scary transition

kathsue Sun 28-Nov-21 17:30:48

Don't underestimate the after effects of Covid on your mental health. I was widowed 15 years ago and lost my daughter around the same time. I have "reinvented" myself several times and made changes to my life (for the better). Apart from a few blips I am doing very well.

Six weeks ago I caught Covid. I felt really ill for a couple of weeks and now I can't seem to shake off the aches, tiredness and depression. I frequently feel like I'm so old, useless , nothing to look forward to and life's not worth living.

What I'm trying to say is that when you've fully recovered you will find things easier to cope with. In the meantime I'll send you a virtual hug.

Ethelwashere1 Sun 28-Nov-21 17:35:46

IS the Op working, a job fills many lonely hours plus gives a sense of purpose. You do get used to being alone, im happy to be alone and i work partime at 67. Ive lots of hobbies. Theres stuff out there you just need to look

Granniesunite Sun 28-Nov-21 17:38:55

kathsueflowers