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Am I being unreasonable

(32 Posts)
Jude2019 Tue 18-Jan-22 07:49:49

My son in law had symptoms of COVID I asked he have a PCR test as my husband has an autoimmune disease he refused and now my daughter has fallen out with me. I’ve looked after my grandchildren for the last 2 years for 3 days a week not wanting to be paid as I love having them. My grandson is 2 and my granddaughter is 9 months. I have been diagnosed as COVID positive I can only assume it was from my grandson who had a temp. I’ve not heard from my daughter at all while I’m been very ill with symptoms. They both assumed they would just drop the kids off as everything is okay. I said I needed a couple of weeks to recover and my daughter said she will enrol both children in daycare from now on. To say I am heartbroken is putting it mild maybe I shouldn’t have asked for the PCR test. I have isolated from my husband to keep him safe.

janeainsworth Tue 18-Jan-22 08:09:17

You did the right thing getting the PCR test - if you hadn’t, you’d have been much more likely to have infected your husband as you wouldn’t have known to keep your distance from him.
You need to explain to your daughter just how ill you’ve been.
When she finds out just how expensive daycare is she may well realise how much money you’ve saved her over the years, and come back asking you to have the children again. And the 2 year-old will be wanting to know why he’s not going to your house any more.
I hope you manage to smooth things over.

Patsy70 Tue 18-Jan-22 08:11:24

You did the right thing, in my opinion, Jude2019. They are behaving in a selfish and irresponsible way, whilst you are protecting your vunerable husband. I do hope you make a full recovery and that your daughter sees the error of her ways. flowers

13Nana Tue 18-Jan-22 08:20:39

Hi Jude,
You were acting by the letter of the law to ask for a PCR, as you know Lateral Flow is for when you have no symptoms. It looks like you daughter may have reacted to not having child care and may well need to get a more formal arrangement however there will be many twists and turns for her and she may well need to come back to you anyway to help as places and days are not guaranteed. In the mean time perhaps pay to go out to coffee / lunch somewhere neutral with her and ask her how shes feeling? See what comes out and gently explain that COVID is life threatening for your husband which is why you were concerned. If she still remains unreasonable then you may have to sit back and be supportive from afar with calls and small gifts, there may be more going on that you know.

M0nica Tue 18-Jan-22 08:27:46

Sadly, sometimes doing the right thing has a high price tag.

On the other side you need to face the fact that your daughter is being unbelievably selfish and you may need to assess your future relationship with her. If she is willing to sacrifice her father and endanger her mother's health for childcare then you need to be careful about any other help you offer and be prepared for her to fail to offer either of you any help if either of you are serioualy ill.

Jude2019 Tue 18-Jan-22 08:46:19

Thank you for advise I can’t meet up yet I’m not strong enough mentally this has hurt me to the core

maddyone Tue 18-Jan-22 08:51:43

I’ve got no advice, but didn’t want to scroll past without acknowledging your difficult situation. I’m so sorry.

JaneJudge Tue 18-Jan-22 08:58:44

She is being manipulative. My husband and son have covid atm and they are both in bed! Why are you not allowed to be ill? angry

JaneJudge Tue 18-Jan-22 08:59:08

I hope you feel better soon flowers

13Nana Tue 18-Jan-22 09:04:35

I'm so sorry, its is awful for you, please take care of yourself

Jaffacake2 Tue 18-Jan-22 09:24:09

You are definitely not being unreasonable. You are being protective of your health and your husband's.
Your daughter seems to have been so caught up with her own needs and arrangements that she has lost sight of those of her parents.
I can empathise with you as learnt the hard way. I threw myself into childcare when my daughter was left with 2 under 3 year old when her husband walked out on her. I would duly travel up on the motorway at 6 30 am to be there to look after them whilst she went to work. However I became ill with an autoimmune disease which has caused several hospitalizations over last 3 years. She was completely unsympathetic and clearly irritated that free childcare had gone.
Sadly although I see her and the children regularly her harsh words have affected my feelings towards her and I feel that I must be guarded to safeguard my own health.
Please take care and look after yourself. We have one life to live and we deserve to be healthy and happy and not a slave to adult children.

Dickens Tue 18-Jan-22 09:29:40

Try not to take it to heart. Easier said than done, of course.
But your daughter does appear to be acting in a very selfish way. Isn't she concerned about her father's well-being?

Perhaps she doesn't understand how ill you've been - but I'm surprised she hasn't contacted you to find out and just assumed the kids could come to you as per usual.

I think you need to talk - she seems consumed with her own needs and has to understand that you are a person in your own right and have your own needs and duties. Don't let it fester for too long - it's obviously upsetting you a lot so you need to resolve this as soon as possible. And you can only do this by talking it through with her.

I don't understand why your SIL refused a PCR test, under the circumstances. Do you think maybe it's him who's orchestrating all this? flowers

Madgran77 Tue 18-Jan-22 10:27:22

I think they are being very unreasonable and very selfish. I am sorry this happened but you were right to ask, entitled to ssk and you deserve some respect. flowers

Daisymae Tue 18-Jan-22 10:38:45

Sounds like you have been very reasonable. A minority of people seem to have a blind spot with regards to Covid. Having said that your daughter and sil have been very callous. The decision to enroll in a nursery seems to petulant but at the end of the day the will lose out. It doesn't seem to be that there's any choice but to stand back and assess your relationship. However I would think that the days of free and flexible childcare are over.

bevisp1 Tue 18-Jan-22 11:32:42

With some experience, I believe covid has caused many family problems. Each and everyone has different opinions of the covid pandemic, some not believing that covid is serious & just a flu, testing, isolations, staying away from people & doing things particularly when the infection rates soar, to non-vaccinated v vaccinated persons. Not everyone in a family believes the same thing, Sooner the better when the pandemic is over.

jaylucy Tue 18-Jan-22 11:42:57

No you were not being unreasonable at all, especially with your OH health problems.
Your SiL should have been happy to at the very least have an LFT before he came anywhere near you both!
Your daughter's reaction is quite unbelievable!
Did she really expect that you would continue to look after the GC when you were unwell?
OK so it was a nuisance for her to find alternative arrangements at short notice but to threaten to take away your caring role that she was so happy to use is not fair - unless she thinks she is doing it for your benefit, that she should have told you about.
I just wonder what she will do once the bills for the childcare roll in ?
In the meantime, put yourself and OH first and make sure that you are properly recovered before taking the next steps. You might well find that though you love looking after the GC, some time without them may help you to see it in a different light and you would be more suited as back up carer rather than full time,

Grandmadinosaur Tue 18-Jan-22 11:57:40

Yes they are being unreasonable. Her reaction could be a heat of the moment one. However she should have taken into consideration both how you and your husband are feeling.
My thinking was along the same lines as JaneAinsworth re when she finds out the cost of childcare. I’m sure she will change her mind and hopefully appreciate you a bit more.
I hope things resolve themselves. It’s horrible not seeing or being able to see beloved GC.

JenniferEccles Tue 18-Jan-22 12:18:23

I feel so cross on posters’ behalf when I read yet another story of selfish, entitled grown up children, and the lack of consideration shown to their parents.

As your husband is already not in the best of health, your well-being should have been their main concern, and the fact that you are now ill with covid yourself makes their treatment of you almost unbelievable.

I honestly don’t know what I’d do in your situation.
Maybe when you are in a calm frame of mind, speak to your daughter and try to get her to understand your situation.

Yes she will need to arrange temporary childcare until you are fit and well again, but I hope the situation regarding seeing the grandchildren improves once you are better.

Pammie1 Tue 18-Jan-22 12:31:01

How very selfish of them both. You did the right thing. Your situation highlights how differently people see the threat from Covid, and also provides some insights as to how it’s being spread. Did they realise that the children could pass on the infection ? I agree with other posters - see what happens when the childcare bills start rolling in and if you are asked to babysit again, insist that they do regular LFT’s to keep your husband safe.

DiscoDancer1975 Tue 18-Jan-22 12:33:09

You did absolutely the right thing, and I’m so sorry you’re unwell now, and wish you a speedy recovery.

I’m so sick of hearing about entitled, selfish grown up children. I know you want to see your grandchildren, but you and your husband must be allowed to be ill without feeling under pressure, covid or not to be honest. I would always put ‘us’/ ‘him’, before grandchildren.

Often, I think people get frustrated, and say/ do things on a whim, without thinking it through.

You must look after yourselves first, you’ve done all this with your own children. As much as we have no rights to see grandchildren, their parents have no rights to expect things of us either. Any help we give should be welcomed.

Do take care.

CafeAuLait Tue 18-Jan-22 22:07:43

There is nothing wrong with having asked for a test, especially with a vulnerable family member in the home. It's not a big ask.

We've had colds and a family member asked us to test before coming this week. We just did. Even if just for their own comfort.

Norah Tue 18-Jan-22 22:16:11

No, no you're not unreasonable, not at all. Your husband is your responsibility, not your grown daughter and her family.

Libman Tue 18-Jan-22 22:23:35

We look after our grandchildren once a week. The other days they are in nursery/school so very exposed to catching something. My daughter and the family test before we go ( as do we) and if any of them has so much of a sniffle, they test. SiL I think would prefer not to but he also appreciates the childcare we provide so complies😏. You have done nothing wrong OP. Nothing much to add really but I hope your daughter recognises her poor behaviour at some point. Perhaps when the daycare costs start to hit home…… If you do start looking after them again, I hope you continue to take the same precautions.

Gwyneth Tue 18-Jan-22 22:40:29

You are not unreasonable Jude. I would concentrate on getting yourself well and keeping your husband safe. I think your daughter may well change her mind and value your help in looking after your grandchildren after they have paid out for day care. Your daughter and son in law should be testing regularly if your husband has an autoimmune condition. Put yourselves first for once.

agnurse Tue 18-Jan-22 23:24:05

Just a comment: in some areas (such as mine) unless you work in health care or are clinically vulnerable, you CANNOT get a PCR test. Even if you are symptomatic.

It may not be so much that he didn't want to, as it was not possible.