Gransnet forums

Chat

Unanswered Message- Is It Just Me?

(24 Posts)
Calendargirl Sat 06-Aug-22 09:30:06

I have a good friend of over 40 years standing. We don’t see each other much nowadays as she has moved away from the UK, but when we do meet up or phone it’s as though we have seen each other only yesterday.

Haven’t heard from her for a couple of months, nothing unusual about that, so I What’s Appd her first thing yesterday morning with a quick update of life. Usually hear back very quickly, but heard nothing all day. Thought she might be away on holiday abroad or just ‘busy’.

This is the silly bit. I start to think “Have I done or said something to cause offence? Is that why I haven’t heard anything?”

Not just her, I often wonder if I have upset someone, even though I am sure I haven’t.

So this morning I sent another brief message, just saying I wondered if she was ok.

This time, got a long, newsy reply. She had been flat out this week looking after first one GC, then another, and had just not got round to replying. She was full of news, and when I sent a quick reply, sent another long message.

Felt an idiot for even wondering if I had upset her in any way, but am I the only one who ever feels like that, even when I know it’s unjustified?

BigBertha1 Sat 06-Aug-22 09:34:32

No you are not the only one I am always catastrophizing. Im glad she wrote back to you. smile

MawtheMerrier Sat 06-Aug-22 09:35:59

Come on OP, you know exactly what she means by “Flat out, looking after first one GC then another”
Surprised one gets time to go to the loo sometimes! gringrin

henetha Sat 06-Aug-22 09:38:58

Yes, absolutely. I always feel I must have done something wrong or offended them in some way if I don't get a reply when I expect to.
I'm glad it was all ok on this occasion. smile

Cheesey Sat 06-Aug-22 09:42:34

I find if I get a message that requires more than just a couple of sentences in response I tend to think I will reply to that later, when I have time. Then it’s really easy to forget.

Kate1949 Sat 06-Aug-22 09:44:01

No it's not just you. I'm always thinking I've upset people. I'm always asking 'Did I upset you when I said so and so?' The answer is usually 'What are you on about?'

timetogo2016 Sat 06-Aug-22 09:48:48

If i txt/message someone and they don`t get back to me,i don`t give it a second thought tbh.
I`m pleased your friend did get back to you,she may know how you feel about replying sooner rather than later.

LadyGracie Sat 06-Aug-22 09:58:21

No it’s not just you, I always know when my niece is away as my sister sends non stop messages, at other times me and any messages I send are ignored.

luluaugust Sat 06-Aug-22 09:59:23

I have friends that I keep in touch with on and off and I am afraid nowadays I don't worry so much about possibly having offended them as worry about are they still here. Just think in the days of letter writing you would have waited quite a while for a reply. Caring for small GC sounds like a perfectly good reason for a delay.

BlueBelle Sat 06-Aug-22 10:13:19

Yes it’s the difference between having a over tuned conscience I think, I always tend to worry if I ve done something g wrong to upset someone even if I m darned sure I haven’t
It must be nice to get through life never doubting yourself but I think apart from the extremely confident, most do at least sometimes

Grannybags Sat 06-Aug-22 10:26:23

I don't worry if I've done something wrong, I tend to worry in case there is something wrong at their end.

Always glad when I eventually hear from them and everything is fine

Cs783 Sat 06-Aug-22 10:33:16

Well done for persisting, * Calendargirl* and good point Grannybags. I’ve always been pleased when I do persist and yes there’s usually been life challenges at the other end. Now I’m getting up courage to ‘bother’ a friend I haven’t heard from for a while…

Sago Sat 06-Aug-22 10:34:57

Me too!

Smileless2012 Sat 06-Aug-22 10:36:26

Glad she got back to you Calendargirl. I do that too and to worry but it shows we care doesn't itsmile.

Shinamae Sat 06-Aug-22 10:39:23

I am exactly the same…

tiredoldwoman Sat 06-Aug-22 10:46:19

Yes, I always overthink things too , moreso now that I'm getting older and more worried about life etc !

biglouis Sat 06-Aug-22 11:26:39

There are some people I would worry about if they didnt get back to me fairly quickly. Others I just let it drift.

A few years ago a nephew I speak to every day on the phone and who would come to visit a couple of times a week went silent. After 5 days I began to really worry so I got a taxi upto his flat. He managed to get to the door but had obviously had a stroke and I called the ambulance. He was in hospital for 4 weeks and has made an 80% recovery (still some balance and co-ordination problems) but I have worried about him since.

Now I have paid for a cctv camera in his hall. It doesnt infringe on his privacy but I would expect to see him walking past it a few times a day. If he did not then it would alert me to a problem more quickly.

Others if I dont hear from them I just let it drift. People lead busy lives myself and I sometimes let emails drift myself if I have nothing to say.

SachaMac Sat 06-Aug-22 11:39:55

I also worry when people don’t get back to me. I tend to think they have got the huff with me or there’s something wrong at their end, they’re unwell etc.
I suppose because I’m retired I have more time to answer texts pretty promptly while some people are really busy, quickly read them and sometimes forget to go back later and reply. I did text an old colleague a few months ago and he never answered, even though it was him who suggested in his Christmas card that we meet for coffee and gave me his number, thats put me off keeping in touch now but I suppose there could be a genuine reason for him not replying.

Vintagejazz Sat 06-Aug-22 11:46:42

Yes I'm always worrying if I've upset or offended someone. It's got worse since a close bereavement last year. I think it just made me value my friends more and would hate to think I've annoyed any of them.

AussieGran59 Sun 07-Aug-22 01:59:58

I like what you said, BlueBelle. So true.

Zoejory Sun 07-Aug-22 02:04:16

I tend to assume they must have died. Or possibly lying in a ditch somewhere

I always have to make everything terribly dramatic

kircubbin2000 Sun 07-Aug-22 03:45:18

My best friend went silent for the last 3 months. Messaged on Friday and met for coffee. She had very little chat and spoke mainly to our other friend. I think she has just got elderly and only interested in her own family. She also seemed a bit confused when we talked about fuel prices and some other news items.
However ,today I had a nice lunch invite from another old friend who is much more on the ball and we had plenty to catch up with.

JackyB Sun 07-Aug-22 05:18:32

I'm the opposite, I'm afraid. A friend WhatsApped me recent and I didn't react. The message did come through very late at night and I was a bit tired. I phoned her a few days ago and she was so delighted to hear from me. I felt a bit bad about that then. It turned out that she had had a back operation and she asked me round for coffee and I was able to do a few odd jobs while I was there such as vacuuming and carrying some washing to the laundry in the cellar.

However, this month I am making a concerted effort to contact everyone from whom I have e-mails in my inbox which are up to several months old. In most cases I write to them and they reply quite quickly, and then I leave it for a few more months. I don't want to be ping-ponging e-mails daily with everyone - what would we say? - but one e-mail, letter or phone call every few weeks is manageable and a pleasant way of keeping up with everyone. After all, keeping in touch with friends is one of the most important things in life.

Serendipity22 Sun 07-Aug-22 09:18:44

No, you certainly are not alone in your thinking. I hear it from others too wondering why so & so hasnt replied and saying she cant be arsed to reply. but it all turns out that that is not the case, so & so has life and isnt sat on her/his phone, but because we are unaware of their situation, we just assume that they are ignoring us.... not always the case.

flowers