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Phoenix's Gammon Curse

(41 Posts)
Callistemon21 Fri 19-Aug-22 12:56:18

It's rather early for Christmas recipes, so apologies but, as some of us remember a Gransnetter who died, far too young, a year ago today I thought you might like her recipe for cooking the Christmas gammon:

phoenix Fri 23-Dec-16 10:02:00
Start by getting out all of your biggest pans and finding that none of them is quite the right size/shape for the meat. Apply your first curse. Then you set it to boil on your newly cleaned hob, and wait for the spitting and splashing to begin. You can now curse again, even if you haven't rolled a 6.

You then realise that you forgot to make a note of the weight for timing purposes. Rummage in the bin for the wrapper and miss two goes. Now experiment with different positions for the lid in an attempt to minimise the splashing. Have another curse when you realise that none of the positions works. Say to anyone within earshot that it's the same every year, and why on earth didn't they remind you of that when you bought it. (Deflecting blame earns you an extra 10 points and a small sherry).

Realise that you forgot to set the timer, and try to estimate how long it has been boiling so far. Don't worry too much about accuracy; you are bound to be wrong. Apply an extra 30 minutes to be on the safe side, miss one go and have a sherry. After an appropriate length of time, drain and leave to cool. Award extra points if all of the water goes down the sink, but miss 2 sherries if any goes either on the draining board or your feet.

Cover with something to protect from cats (extra points available if a colander will actually fit over it, but deductions if you have to deploy either a tea towel or tin foil).

Apply final curse and enjoy.

RIP phoenix flowers

GrannyGravy13 Fri 19-Aug-22 12:59:24

I have this in my head when I cook 4 gammons on Christmas Eve Eve (23/12) every year 🍖🍖🍖

merlotgran Fri 19-Aug-22 13:04:59

I cannot cook a gammon without thinking of Phoenix

Callistemon21 Fri 19-Aug-22 13:06:12

I've just realised that I gave away my very large French marmite cooking pot and may have to cut the gammon into two pieces this year! shock

kittylester Fri 19-Aug-22 13:10:29

It is far to early for Christmas recipes!!!!

Callistemon21 Fri 19-Aug-22 13:10:55

Never too early for gammon, though!

Curlywhirly Fri 19-Aug-22 13:15:26

Oh Phoenix was spot on with her description of cooking the blummin' thing! Every year I seem to get in a pickle- last year (on Christmas day) I cooked mine and all was fine, until I lifted the damn thing out of the pan, it promptly fell back in the pan, and the greasy cooking liquid shot up and out of the pan, covering me (in my lovely little black Christmas dress) and the hob and kitchen floor with the whole contents of the pan. The kitchen floor was like a skating rink and my dress a write-off! I really should just buy a read-cooked gammon, but now feel I have to honour Rachel's memory and struggle on cooking one each year!

Anrol Fri 19-Aug-22 13:26:31

What a lovely tribute to Phoenix. Such a brave lady flowers

Grandmadinosaur Fri 19-Aug-22 13:29:39

Dear Phoenix how can it be a year already ? She left us the legacy of the story of the gammon 💐

MerylStreep Fri 19-Aug-22 13:40:28

It doesn’t matter how many times you read it, it’s still funny 😄

Callistemon21 Fri 19-Aug-22 14:44:13

Apologies in advance to any vegans who may wish to follow this thread, I would not wish to exclude you.

It is perfectly possible to curse a vegan plant-based meat free gammon.

Although why anyone wants to name vegan products after meat has always puzzled me somewhat. Or even to make them resemble meat in any shape or form.
Vegan sherry is also available from many retailers.

sodapop Fri 19-Aug-22 14:46:22

A very fitting tribute to Phoenix today. Still makes me smile.

TillyTrotter Fri 19-Aug-22 14:48:47

It’s good to laugh even at times like Remembrance.
Phoenix will be grinning that we are reading this in August. 😀

Wheniwasyourage Fri 19-Aug-22 14:50:28

Thank you, Callistemon21. It doesn't seem like a year since Phoenix died. Her posts were always good to read.

toscalily Fri 19-Aug-22 15:09:46

Lets raise a glass of (Vegan or not) sherry to Phoenix and all those ladies who struggle with a Christmas gammon. wine

Grammaretto Fri 19-Aug-22 15:10:54

A whole year has passed. I find that hard to believe.
Gammon cooking instructions are great! Thanks for posting. I'm a vegetarian but usually cook meat at Christmas so her description is most apt. a cautionary tale

GrannyGravy13 Fri 19-Aug-22 15:11:02

Cheers 🍷

FannyCornforth Fri 19-Aug-22 16:16:09

Omg! Is this a… clique?!

FannyCornforth Fri 19-Aug-22 16:19:12

Oh no, hang on, it’s just some women remembering their much loved mate

AGAA4 Fri 19-Aug-22 16:21:38

I miss Phoenix's humour. If you saw her name on an OP you knew you were going to have a good laugh.

StarDreamer Fri 19-Aug-22 16:25:41

Callistemon21 wrote Although why anyone wants to name vegan products after meat has always puzzled me somewhat. Or even to make them resemble meat in any shape or form.

It puzzled me too. As an ethical vegan (that is, a vegan for belief reasons rather than a person who has a vegan diet for some other reason) I don't want anything to do with m-word stuff.

Apparently some vegans are in favour of it though as they say that it encourages people who presently eat m-word to try a vegan alternative, hoping that they may gradually become a vegan.

So, two different views from vegans on the same question.

Nannytopsy Fri 19-Aug-22 16:26:19

I have just come onto GN to see what’s happening while my piece of gammon comes up to the boil. Who would believe it? It’s only a little one, for the two of us for a couple of days - don’t worry that I have started Christmas already. 🤣

toscalily Fri 19-Aug-22 16:36:55

I've still got a Christmas pud smile

FannyCornforth Fri 19-Aug-22 16:38:41

Sausages and patties (burgers) are just the most convenient shape to form any food stuff into.
Or you can cover it in a pastry, or top it with mash.
I don’t fancy my food shaped in the form of a square based pyramid or a double helix.

Georgesgran Fri 19-Aug-22 16:40:02

I hope some of the individuals commenting on the other thread about Phoenix read this and ‘get it’. RIP