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This is bothering me

(18 Posts)
downtoearth Fri 24-Mar-23 10:46:26

Friend 40+ years,120 miles away,we have taken in turns to visit each other.
I no longer have a car,and now have mobilty issues, but have until recently visited using three buses and a longish train journey, taking around 5 hours in total to do a journey that takes around a two hour drive.

My friend has a busy social life and often goes on holiday,and stop overs with her airline crew son,she also goes on conventions and interest weekends with groups she belongs to,her husband does not go and he us not happy so I am told that she does this frequently.

My friend uses the excuse her husband will not be happy for her to spend time visiting me as she is away doing her own thing a lot.

This is what is upsetting me,she will happily drive/ fly wherever,but is resisisting visiting me,so that it makes life less complicated for her with the husband moaning about her being/ going away and it enables her to continue her lifestyle.

I have a planned visit shortly,but will have to cancel due to mobility this time,she has a weekend away and is trying to "fit" me in as this is in an area about 50 miles away but a bit if a detour.

I can see the friendship will soon come to an end,because I am expected to do all the travelling,I feel confused and hurt,that she wont put herself out

nanna8 Fri 24-Mar-23 10:58:11

It would be a shame to lose a friend after all those years. Could you perhaps meet half way and both stay in a motel for a couple of nights? If her son is aircrew she probably gets very cheap flights so that might be why she travels a lot so you would think she would be able to access a local flight to meet you, assuming she is near an airport. Tell her you are finding it hard, she may not realise-some don't.

downtoearth Fri 24-Mar-23 11:20:35

Nanna,We have spoken about the situation,but says it is difficult with her husband.There are no internal flights,she drives has her own car for her logistics arent the problem, it is purely so she can continue with her other interests without conflict at home.
I guess I feel that I am not worth the effort,but she will happily travel to meet others who are further distances and happily take the conflict,but is resistant to coming to me.
I am awaiting surgery,so very limited mobility at the moment as I dont have a car.

Kim19 Fri 24-Mar-23 11:30:43

You say you feel you may not be 'worth the effort'. Seriously, is she?

Esmay Fri 24-Mar-23 11:30:48

Sounds like your long - term friend is trying to please her husband at the sacrifice of your relationship and perhaps using his needs as an excuse .

What a shame !

Yet she happily goes on holidays with her son and has a social life , which sounds very enjoyable .

It is incredibly sad as you've been friends for so many years .

I'm so sorry to write it but she's not putting herself out for you .

Time to make new friends , who are worthy of your friendship .

downtoearth Fri 24-Mar-23 11:44:48

Thankyou,kim and Esmay I do feel this way,I have examined my own actions,and thoughts,as I dont want to be thought if as one sided or even jealous,,but I keep coming to hurt and saddened.
Over the years she has been self obsessed,and dosent really have empathy,and it seems litte self awareness 😥

Germanshepherdsmum Fri 24-Mar-23 11:47:55

She sounds very busy. Maybe you have slipped down her list of priorities.

IrishDancing Fri 24-Mar-23 11:51:20

I’m sorry Downtoearth, it’s sad when friendships come to an end, especially one as long as yours, but I would try to find some new friends nearby so that travelling isn’t a problem. flowers

silverlining48 Fri 24-Mar-23 12:04:06

Some friendships, even long ones reach an end, and it looks like yours has. Always disappointing, but once you have accepted the situation it does get easier.
I had a friend from primary school, for over 60 years, and a similar situation upset me. I hardly think of her now and no longer go through these imaginary conversations where i tell her how I feel. Its a relief.

pascal30 Fri 24-Mar-23 12:40:22

It's the problem with distance. My closest friend is now 150 miles away because I moved. We're now down to emails every few weeks. We no longer share weekly activities that used to include family members.. but I remember the great friendship we had with much affection, it's just the way it is now.. I would certainly make the effort to visit if she needed me but otherwise we just get on with life with new friends. It's just the way it is...

Hithere Fri 24-Mar-23 12:49:17

Kim19 nailed it

biglouis Fri 24-Mar-23 12:50:57

Some years ago when I first went to uni I had a friendship end suddenly for an apparently trivial reason. Later (from things she said) I realised she had been unsatisfield with the relationship for some time and had simply used a trivial argument as an excuse. We never met again.

Are there any luncheon or interest clubs in your area to which you could get a taxi? Sometimes Facebook or local networks are useful in finding your "tribe". Some people who lived near me used to be collected in a little mini bus and taken to a local church hall for lunch and bingo. While that may not be your thing there is probably something going on in your area where you could make new friends who live closer.

Kate1949 Fri 24-Mar-23 12:54:30

She doesn't sound like much of a friend but then, as ai said on the other thread, I don't do the 'friends' thing really.

lemsip Fri 24-Mar-23 13:02:35

the friendship is over, stop going all that way to visit her.. she is getting on with her life!

Ali23 Fri 24-Mar-23 13:02:53

To be fair, she might be caught between a rock and a hard place. She wants to see her son, loves her husband, and is your friend.
Maybe the nature of the friendship needs to change without the friendship being lost?
Maybe wordle together or both join a zoom group around a shared interest? Something that maintains friendship but doesn’t require long travel. Just a thought.

downtoearth Fri 24-Mar-23 13:04:08

Thankyou for the replies they all pretty much confirm my own thoughts.
I am due for hip surgery in few months so not able to travel after for a while, I am not going to hold my breath,as has been mentioned I feel the husband is an excuse,especially as over the years when in a couple,and our children all same age visited and holidayed so I am not a stranger to him.
Onwards and upwards and still keep looking for activities and places that can get to,thankyou allsmile

LRavenscroft Fri 24-Mar-23 14:30:52

It sounds to me as if you are a very caring lady. When I started looking after my parents ten years ago all my long term friends dropped me. Not even a whisper. After walking with my parents on there final journey it made me realise that I had always been the facilitator and they were takers. When I could not longer facilitate, I was of no use to them. However, I have made new friends over the last ten years who are much nicer and great to spend time with. I hope all goes well with your operation and that you make new friends who are worthy of your caring nature.

downtoearth Fri 24-Mar-23 16:12:59

LRavenscroft,thankyou ,that is a lovely thing to say.
Very thoughtless of your friends to drop you,when you most needed their supportflowers,and I am glad to hear you have made new friends that value you.