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Visitor Never Gives End Date

(74 Posts)
JayneA Sat 27-May-23 18:09:49

I don’ t know if I am being unreasonable - here goes. I have a friend who lives overseas but loves London. She comes to stay with me (uninvited) and never tells me how long she is staying for. It’s normally a week to 10 days. She brings me a bunch of flowers as a ‘thanks for letting me stay’. Am I being unreasonable in being annoyed - not only due to the silence on her part but also a bunch of flowers in exchange for 10 days free lodging plus free breakfast and dinner?

Theexwife Sat 27-May-23 18:12:44

How annoying, I do not like uninvited guests just popping in let alone staying indefinitely.

I would say, lovely to see you but I am going away or having others to stay in a couple of days or maybe I can come to you in future.

SparklyGrandma Sat 27-May-23 18:18:19

I prefer arrangements with consent - if you moved out of London, might you not see her again?

Hithere Sat 27-May-23 18:22:40


Why wasnt her entitlement called out and she was not welcome to assume your home belongs to her?

People cannot read minds and if you do not tell her you dont like it, she may have no idea she is doing soothing wrong.

This is your home - your turn to take the bull by the horns.

Ideally, how much longer would you like her to stay? At your place or a hotel?

Kim19 Sat 27-May-23 18:23:08

Could not tolerate that. Would have to know arrival and departure dates in order to organise my own diary.

Hithere Sat 27-May-23 18:23:18

Something, not soothing

Norah Sat 27-May-23 18:26:25

Don't allow the visit. End of.

We dislike overnight visits and rarely allow such. My wonderful brother will be living with us, as he moves home, until he purchases a home in nearby market town - asap. We can all survive, if he finds a home quickly.

Gracious, she is abusing your pleasant nature.

BlueBelle Sat 27-May-23 18:26:26

I ve never had an unexpected guest I don’t think it would suit me at all I like to know where I am and what I m doing and for how long
No not for me

Shelflife Sat 27-May-23 18:33:03

She is taking advantage of you !!!

lixy Sat 27-May-23 18:34:12

That's a long time for any visit, let alone a free open-ended random one.
You are not being unreasonable in feeling annoyed but she will not know how you feel unless you tell her.

Maybe you could decide that you will be away yourself a few days after she arrives and so set an end date for yourself, and so have an element of control for yourself.
But it would be far better to say to her that you need to know dates in advance - and then not always say yes unless it genuinely suits you.

SparklyGrandma Sat 27-May-23 18:35:22

I could never just turn up like that - I prefer the quiet solitude of my own hotel room.

Georgesgran Sat 27-May-23 18:46:29

I wonder how friendly your relationship is, between visits?
Surely there must be some communications OP and your visitor doesn’t just arrive from overseas unexpectedly? Have
you ever invited to visit her?
Perhaps time to consider your friendship and lay down some rules for next time - if there’s to be one.

NotAGran55 Sat 27-May-23 18:58:24

Surely she doesn’t just turn up on your doorstep without any warning ? 🤷🏼‍♀️

henetha Sat 27-May-23 19:53:22

That's awful. What dreadful manners she must have. Perhaps you should set definite dates for the holiday and stick to them. Or tell her outright that this has to stop!

Oreo Sat 27-May-23 20:01:20

I think you need to define ‘friend’.
I have a couple of friends who can come and stay as long as they like (as long as they tell me when they’re arriving )as I love their company.Other guests I ask to come and stay with us for a few days and they do just that which suits us all.

Oreo Sat 27-May-23 20:02:08


I wonder how friendly your relationship is, between visits?
Surely there must be some communications OP and your visitor doesn’t just arrive from overseas unexpectedly? Have
you ever invited to visit her?
Perhaps time to consider your friendship and lay down some rules for next time - if there’s to be one.


denbylover Sat 27-May-23 20:03:19

She is taking the mick. She really is.

VioletSky Sat 27-May-23 20:14:53

I don't know what to say to this!

I can't cope with unexpected visits for a cup of tea!

How unexpected are they? Does she invite herself or just show up?

If she invited herself, say it's not a good time or seek a verbal agreement that it's for a time of your choosing

If she just turns up, you have to tell her you dislike it, I know that's probably hard for you or you would have done it already but this is your home and your peace being disrupted!

Have you ever thought about doing some assertiveness training?

SueDonim Sat 27-May-23 20:16:17

Does she turn up out of the blue?? If so, I’d just tell her the house was being fumigated for fleas and bedbugs the next day. grin

Summerlove Sat 27-May-23 20:52:07

Your friend sounds terrible.

But I genuinely don’t understand how you allowed this more than once!

She likely thinks you look forward to her visits!

LRavenscroft Sat 27-May-23 20:56:29

Could you not conveniently disconnect whichever bed she sleeps on by covering it in sewing, knitting, clothes, wallpaper or whatever springs to mind and say that you can't move them because you have plans with them? We have actually dismantled the bed in our spare room to discourage a cousin who visited wanting free accommodation. We just said 'Sorry, our spare room is in the process of being decorated'.

Dickens Sat 27-May-23 21:58:10

No, you are not being unreasonable.

Does she assume you don't have a life with dates in your diary and plans of your own during this unspecified period? Or that you might even have invited others to stay during that time?

I think you will have to be bold and tell her that you've made various future arrangements and that her visit has completely upset your plans.

As for the bunch of flowers, well I don't know what to say - if you're feeding her for around 10 days, she should at least be taking you out to dinner a couple of times, or buying some food to contribute.

I cannot imagine having someone in my house not knowing when they were going to depart. It would bother me so much - not being able to plan anything or have time to myself, I'd have to ask the person how long they intended to stay.

I'm constantly amazed at the liberties that people take that we read about on GN - like those couples who insist that they come on holiday with you and take umbrage when you dare to suggest you really would like to be with your OH, alone.

I hope you can grasp the nettle!

Fleur20 Sat 27-May-23 22:21:00

It simply would not happen to me!
If she contacted me beforehand I would have 'a houseful already..sorry'.
If she turned up on the doorstep.. I would be expecting them in 2 hours and had to nip to the shops.. right now! I would turn and lift my carkeys.. smile and walk out the house..
No chance!!

Esmay Sun 28-May-23 06:44:09

What's your address I'm coming to stay !

What a cheek -a bunch of flowers for a week to ten day visit.

In the past ,I had a couple who descended on me on Fridays for the weekend or longer .She is an alcoholic and by lunchtime would be falling on the floor crying and incoherent .
Her husband hid behind a paper .

Finally , one Friday I answered the door on my nightie with a terrific fever and said that they'd have to stay in a hotel as I couldn't cope with visitors and might be infectious .
She argued with me and was angry and that was the last visit !

I certainly haven't enjoyed our free loading relatives visiting !

I have friends who are a pleasure to be with when they visit .

You have to ask if it's convenient .
A bunch of flowers is not enough
I take flowers , chocolates and wine as a minimal gift . I usually add cheeses and nice coffee .

I cook at least one meal for them and more if requested .
I take them out for dinner .
I wash up regularly .
I tidy up after myself .

I hope that I'm not regarded as a nuisance and will be welcome again !

karmalady Sun 28-May-23 07:07:05

I had free-loading visitors, once, when we were a young struggling family. They never even bought a drink for us. Never again, it was obvious that we were being used. He then got a sales job and tried to sell us stuff by phone, a real pest. I had to tell him not to ring again and I put a phone block on his calls. Nephew, wife and toddler son. That man was nasty to his son too, who commited suicide as a young adult.