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Innocent question has left me depressed

(48 Posts)
Beckett Sat 03-Jun-23 10:42:42

I was widowed 15 years ago and apart from the initial grief and the occasional attack of depression have, I think, managed quite well. Then a few weeks ago someone asked me if I would ever consider a relationship with someone else. My initial reply was no but since then I have been thinking about it and it has made me realise how alone I am and that it would be lovely to have someone in my life.

When I am with friends and family I am my usual happy self, but when I come home I now feel very lonely and sometimes cry wishing I had a special someone, however, being in my middle 70s and never meeting any single men my age, I know that is never going to happen.

Has anyone else been felt this way and if so, how did they recover their normal selves? I have an active social life with many (female) friends

NotSpaghetti Sat 03-Jun-23 11:00:49

I am sorry you feel so alone.
No ideas really except to enjoy the friendships and family you do have.
Just wanted to say "thinking of you."


annsixty Sat 03-Jun-23 11:03:02

I was 81 when my H died so a relationship with anyone was a definite no-no but I know 2 people very well who have found companionship with a man friend and it has worked out so well.
They have both stressed the relationship is strictly platonic but they are all very happy.
It includes meals out, days out, holidays but doesn’t include sharing homes or even I gather occasional nights in each other’s homes.

I feel that had I been younger this is what I would have liked.
After a day, evening out I would have been quite happy to go home and get ready for bed.

I could never have contemplated washing, cleaning, cooking for someone else.

Oreo Sat 03-Jun-23 15:25:24

Beckett flowers
You could try online dating? Be prepared to meet quite a few, there are older men out there that are lonely too.
Everyone deserves to be happy and bereavement even after a long happy marriage/ partnership needn’t be something to shy away from.
Decide first if you want a physical relationship or a platonic one for company only so that the guy knows from the start.
Beware those seeking a cook and laundrymaid tho.
You won’t know if you want somebody in your life until you try it so a friendly relationship is best really.

lovebeigecardigans1955 Sat 03-Jun-23 15:39:17

I was widowed twelve years ago and while I've become much more independent, I do sometimes miss having a man about the house. Although I miss my dear late husband very much I'm not certain that I really want to replace him. I miss his presence - having someone to do nothing with.

I've read some right horrors of the on-line dating scene on social media and feel that I'm too battle-scarred to cope with all that. Mind you, if Mr Wonderful turned up perhaps I'd waver - but two fabulous specimens in one lifetime? That's asking for the moon.

crazyH Sat 03-Jun-23 15:44:52

Beckett - I’ve been divorced roughly the length of time you’ve been widowed. I’ve had one or two ‘offers’, but they quite directly say , they want to be ‘friends with benefits’ . No thankyou, not for me. Luckily, all 3 AC and their families, live within 10/15 minute drive, depending on traffic. But I only visit when invited, and I do a spot of baby-sitting for the littlest ones, very occasionally. It must be so hard for you. I’m not interested in finding a relationship, but if you are, try on-line dating. It will be nice to have a ‘companion’. Good luck flowers

Lomo123 Sat 03-Jun-23 15:55:03

Deffo not too old. Pre covid my friends mum used to go to tea dances, every Tuesday afternoon. She's a spritely 84, a man asked her out to dinner from there. She doesn't drive, so he would take her shopping to save her carrying. Plenty men of that age looking for company too.

Thoro Sat 03-Jun-23 16:08:00

My first husband died when I was 48 and I hated being on my own.
Tried online dating and found my second husband.
Sadly 22 years later he has developed dementia and I have had open heart surgery so can no longer look after him and he is in a care home 2 hours drive away near his daughter.
I'm relatively happy on my own (with my dogs) and even if I were free wouldn't want to live with anyone else.
It would be nice to have someone to do low key things with but I would worry a bit about the other person's health as I wouldn't want to be a carer again.

Visgir1 Sat 03-Jun-23 16:34:29

My Grandmother was 80 when, Grandad died. A couple of years later she was living in a Retirement flat, that had a Community lounge. She would occasionally call in for coffee with her zimmer frame, she always kept her pinny on, and never was one to "doll" (her words) up.
After a short while an old chap moved in. He too occasionally popped into the lounge for coffee and companionship.
He was recently Widower, but he decided my Nan was a interesting funny lady, so he always sat with her much to the displeasure of the other smartly dressed, made up ladies. She had a lot to say about that!

That companionship lasted 9 years, they ended up eating together, spending the day together he became part of the family.
His daughters didn't particularly take to my straight speaking Northern lass Nan, with her "pinny" and colourful language.

She eventually had to go into a Care home due to falls, he would visit every day rain or shine. The Care home even fed him, they still say together, holding hands every day.

When she died, 6 weeks later he did too.
We all cared for "Arthur" he kept Nan happy. She was a wonderful, comical lady and deserved to be happy.
It's never too late to be happy with a special person.

BlueBelle Sat 03-Jun-23 16:40:57

Been on my own ( thankfully) 25 years and would never ever want the complex happenings of a relationship Some people are lucky some aren’t, I m not.
I can fill my time with lots of things and have good friends around I probably wouldn’t be able to bend to someone else’s ways now so it’s fine by me
Each to their own

AGAA4 Sat 03-Jun-23 16:50:35

I have been asked that question a few times. I find it insensitive to ask someone if they wanted another relationship when they are widowed as it can make them feel that something is lacking.
In my own case the answer has always been a resounding No but I can understand that it can cause you to feel unsettled.
If you felt happy enough before the question was asked wait a while before looking at dating sites and see how you feel in a month or so.

lovebeigecardigans1955 Mon 05-Jun-23 14:03:48

Is it only ever men who ask this question? (And it unsettled me in much the same way as it did the OP) I don't think a woman has ever asked me, perhaps because we appreciate that (traditionally, at least) a wife takes on a 'caring' role and often ends up with the lion's share of the domestic tasks.

Quite apart from the obvious - having someone's presence in the house, which is a double-edged sword in many ways, I'm not sure I'd want to take on twice the ironing and cooking larger amounts, etc. Losing the freedom to do what I want when I want is something I'd only consider for someone very, very special indeed.

NotSpaghetti Mon 05-Jun-23 14:46:01

How lovely.
I am SO happy for your nan and "her" Arthur.

Serendipity22 Mon 05-Jun-23 14:54:17

Can't read and pass by without sending a viral hug 🤗.


NanaDana Mon 05-Jun-23 15:12:56

It takes a very insensitive person to ask that question of anyone who has been bereaved. Sorry that you have had to suffer that experience, and that it has clearly unsettled you. At least you still have friends and family around you, which many don't these days. Perhaps try to look on your situation more in terms of personal freedom than in terms of a need for companionship. Also, who knows what fate has in store for us? Perhaps try getting out and about a bit to lunch clubs, coffee mornings and the like. You might be pleasantly surprised. Finally, I'd avoid dating sites like the plague. A close friend of mine related some horrendous experiences when she went down that route. Most of the elderly men she met seemed to be looking for an unpaid housekeeper and cook, and the odd one was quite scary... nuff said..

pascal30 Mon 05-Jun-23 16:29:17

Would you really want someone else in your home now? I really relish my space and freedom. I have lots of interests but just love the sanctuary of my own home and being able to do whatever I want when I choose.. I hope you find some peace again soon.. comparing ourselves to others is never very helpful I find..

Grammaretto Mon 05-Jun-23 16:48:12

I have been on my own since DH died 2 and a half years ago.
I am sad and miss him especially the doing nothing together but I wouldn't want another man in my life now.

I have a friend who's a man who comes round for dinner once a week. He has always been alone, never married. we have nice chats over a bottle of wine.

Sometimes I think I'd like a travelling companion but perhaps not.
Listening to some of my female friends I begin to think they are quite envious of my single status

Mallin Wed 07-Jun-23 11:22:36

Asked that question, my answer has always been “ Anyone daft enough to take me on, is too stupid for me to take on”

polnan Wed 07-Jun-23 11:31:29

oh gosh, I so welcome this thread.. I am 87, a young one, so I am told, in appearance, (genetic) and mind,, (to an extent) but recently aquired arthritis.. so hobbling a bit now..
attend local church, have 3 or 4 decent friends,, now there is another good subject, what exactly is a friend!

anyway, dh died nearly 4 years ago, just before covid, actually I think the lockups helped me (or did it) in some strange way, took my mind of it?? dunno..

get out about every other day with someone, have a cat, always had cats and dogs, and I am so,,,,... is it "alone" I can`t possibly be grieving still?

I am sort of o.k. on my own. never lived alone all my life.

my cat is some company, actually gives me something to live for..

close to my two sons, youngest one, told me ok with them if I wanted to be with some other man, shortly after dh died, I loved him for that... I retaliated by saying or a woman,, well I try.

so why am I so lonely,, I don`t want another man, I do miss male company, having worked with them most of my working life.

so please. please tell me why am I sad , enjoy company, have a good laugh, come home and struggle!

I don`t like it.

in my own small home, needs jobs doing, I hate doing everything on my own, decisions etc.. and my family are all so busy, busy, truly busy.


geeljay Wed 07-Jun-23 11:35:21

Its just as bad for a man, the loneliness thing and the pleasure of doing nothing, together. my wife joined this site and since she died, I have continued the membership because it is so friendly, and I can get the ladies viewpoint which has answered a few silly questions when I needed the alternative point of view. I did try a dating site, waste of time for me. Regards to all.

Saggi Wed 07-Jun-23 11:46:54

Been a carer to my husband for 27 years …. through cancer …. then stroke….then dementia and then Alzheimer’s….been married 51 years ….all to much so he’s now in a care home….which in its turn robs me blind …so now no money for socialising….and definitely NO inclination to be someone’s carer again!!! Happy to be single!

vickya Wed 07-Jun-23 11:58:16

It doesn't have to be the woman in a relationship does all the housework and cooking smile. Ex husband was a good cook and liked cooking and still does. Current person in house can cook too, better than I can! And is very good at all kinds of housework. Ex was good too.

Juliet27 Wed 07-Jun-23 12:09:56


Can't read and pass by without sending a viral hug 🤗.


Autocorrect has a lot to answer for !!
I knew of course you meant a virtual hug but had to smile at the error - a return of Covid is the last thing needed 😉🤣

Shelflife Wed 07-Jun-23 12:13:39

I am sorry that you feel so alone at times , do take care when contemplating a relationship - it could work well but may also complicate your life. Remember your DH with love and happiness. Enjoy your hone and your friends.💐

nexus63 Wed 07-Jun-23 12:27:02

i was widowed at 39 after 18 years together, i was alone with a 16 year old, i got so fed up with people saying "you will meet someone else", i dd not want someone else, i wanted my husband, i joined a bereavement website for people under 50, i met someone else and we became companions/partners, never lived together but he or i stayed at each others every weekend, after 18 years he died and now at 59 i can't bear the thought of meeting and loosing another partner, i don't feel lonely as i am fine on my own but i miss someone to give me a cuddle to say i love you and for me to say things that i can't say to someone else like you would a husband/partner, i have accepted i will be on my own for the rest of my life and that has been hard, i already suffer from severe depression and have done for many years, i have had health problems over the past few years and now have problems walking very far, my son comes over every week to help out around the house and they take me out every two weeks and hire a wheelchair, i have to accept this is my life from now on and just get on with it. i am sending you hugs beckett and hope you find away to be happy.