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Problem with grandchildren

(71 Posts)
Littleannie Mon 12-Feb-24 11:06:34

Grandson aged 22, granddaughter aged 19.
I have had grief and trouble from my son for 40 years. I tried to keep contact for the sake of my grandchildren as he took responsibility for them when his ex partner died about 5 years ago. But I stopped all contact with him last Mother's Day when he texted me with "Why don't you die mother. The sooner you die the better as nobody will miss you". Yes honestly. I tried to keep in touch with grandchildren by text and phone, but it's like banging my head against a brick wall. I haven't seen them since before Covid.
My wonderful husband (second marriage), wants to give a cash gift to his 3 children, as it would benefit them now rather than waiting till we die. It has been agreed that I should give a like amount to my 2 grandchildren, obviously nothing for my son. I texted my grandchildren a week ago saying I would like to see them to give them something which would be to their advantage. I didn't say what it was. My granddaughter replied immediately (surprise surprise) to say she would discuss with grandson re convenient time, and that he would phone me later that day. That was a week ago and I haven't heard anything.
I don't know what to do now. Do I text to remind them, or do nothing, or text and say as they don't appear to be interested it would maybe be better to forget the whole thing.
I am so hurt and upset. What do other grans think?

Knitandnatter Mon 12-Feb-24 11:20:21

Leave it.....don't chase them or make any comments on a text message.
Put their share to one side until such a time as they see fit to make contact by which time they will have hopefully grown up, got their self-centred heads out of their arses and started to behave like respectful adults. Only then consider giving them the money, otherwise treat yourselves at their expense, they don't deserve you.

Desdemona Mon 12-Feb-24 11:25:46

I agree. Why should you have to chase them to give them money?

Smileless2012 Mon 12-Feb-24 11:26:56

I agree with Knitandnatter.

Theexwife Mon 12-Feb-24 11:28:30

After speaking to her brother and maybe her father it could have been decided not to take up your offer.

I would not contact them again, very sad situation.

Germanshepherdsmum Mon 12-Feb-24 11:44:50

I agree with Knitandnatter. If they don’t contact you, don’t give or leave them anything. Make sure you have a up to date will so they don’t inherit ‘by default’. They don’t deserve you. Your son’s behaviour is despicable - I feel for you.

cornergran Mon 12-Feb-24 11:59:04

It’s a very sad situation. I do agree with others. Don’t follow it up. I would however send Christmas and birthday cards if it doesn’t upset you too much. There’s a difficult decision to make about the best thing for your own feelings. If you need to step away for your own well-being sadly it could be time to think about it.

Dempie55 Mon 12-Feb-24 12:06:46

I wouldn't contact them again right now. You've tried.
What I would do, though, is lock away the amount you were prepared to give to them, and stick it in a high interest account for two or three years. If, by the time it matures, you still haven't heard much from the grandchildren, take your lovely husband on a cruise.

sodapop Mon 12-Feb-24 12:19:57

I agree with Dempie55 that's a good compromise.
I'm sorry your son is sending you such dreadful messages. Try to put it all out of your mind and enjoy time with your husband.

SeaWoozle Mon 12-Feb-24 12:34:46

I'm so sorry to hear. We can't choose our families! I'd also agree with @Dempie55. If you're done with reaching out, for now, then keep the money back and see what happens in the future. If your grandchildren fail to reach out to you then spend the money on yourselves. Life is short and whilst it could be that your grandchildren are busy, it seems they're just as entitled as your son and not "worth" the chase. Be kind to yourself and let yourself heal from this sad situation. Sending big hugs X

twiglet77 Mon 12-Feb-24 12:39:17

At their ages I’d be cautious about giving them lump sums now.

OldFrill Mon 12-Feb-24 12:40:44

If they don't actually need the money l wouldn't have offered it after their ages. I'd put it aside until they are 30, more mature and more settled. If they needed it for a specific purpose before then l would have it in reserve.

Grams2five Mon 12-Feb-24 14:30:05

I would not reach out again. The ball is in their court whether they wish to have a relationship or not, I wouldn’t go chasing or dangling offers of things that “would be of benefit to them “ as if you’re attempting to buy the visit. Set the money aside or spend on yourself perhaps take a lovely holiday etc. I wouldn’t chase these people

Littleannie Mon 12-Feb-24 14:53:31

Thank you all. You are all of course right. I won't contact them again, it's up to them if they want to see me. I used to look after them when they were young, and love and play with them. How short their memories are.

Iam64 Mon 12-Feb-24 16:16:23

Just want to say how sorry I am that you’re dealing with such difficult emotional stuff Littleannie. Ive nothing to add to the sensible thoughtful comments other than to say try not to ruminate or fret, leave it to them to contact yiu

Littleannie Mon 12-Feb-24 18:44:47

Thank you Iam64 for your kind comment.

Glorianny Mon 12-Feb-24 19:00:41

I'm sorry but you have put your grandchildren in an impossible position. You obviously don't get on with their dad, but you are apparently trying to buy them. They are left wondering what to do. Their dad has brought them up, but you expect them to stay in contact with you. It's really not being kind to them.
If you want to give them money do it. I'd say they were too young. But don't put them in the position of having to choose.
In any case they are young and will have busy lives. I haven't heard from my GS since Christmas. He's at Uni. I hope it's because he is working hard, but I also know he might be partying.
When I was in my 20s at college I hardly wrote to my parents. My grandparents got occasional visits when I was home.

Iam64 Mon 12-Feb-24 19:06:59

Gloryannie I’m shocked at your insensitive comments. There’s no suggestion of trying to buy grandchildren, more to maintain contact with family the OP loves
There’s family fall outs but wishing your mother dead says more about the person who said this thsn the one it was directed to

Tenko Mon 12-Feb-24 19:07:13

I’m so sorry you’re going through this , it sounds heartbreaking for you.
I wouldn’t give large amounts of money to your gdc at the ages they are.
As others have said put it away in a high interest account until they are older . I also agree with arranging your will, so that your son doesn’t automatically inherit. Unless things change obviously.

flappergirl Mon 12-Feb-24 19:51:07

What a terrible thing for your son to say. I am so sorry. Personally I would give the money to a charity near to my heart.

Glorianny Mon 12-Feb-24 20:01:24

Iam64

Gloryannie I’m shocked at your insensitive comments. There’s no suggestion of trying to buy grandchildren, more to maintain contact with family the OP loves
There’s family fall outs but wishing your mother dead says more about the person who said this thsn the one it was directed to

The son's comments are absolutely nothing to do with the grandchildren, so are largely irrelevant, except they elicit sympathy for the poster. It doesn't matter what was said, it doesn't matter who was at fault, it doesn't matter what caused the split. There are two young people here who are being used in a battle between two people both of whom should know better. It isn't fair on them. The sensible and adult thing to do is to step back and not expect them to choose.

Germanshepherdsmum Mon 12-Feb-24 21:30:13

It doesn’t matter what was said? He has probably influenced his children but they are old enough to think for themselves. Why the OP ‘should know better’ is beyond me. She is not using her grandchildren - what a strange idea.

Serendipity22 Mon 12-Feb-24 23:14:00

I am sorry this is happening to you. There is obviously a reason for your son having the terrible negative feelings he has towards you thata gone on so long and there might be a degree of brainwashing for your GC. A lot a negativity going on.

I certainly wouldn't chase them ( your GC ), to me its downright rude to not reply but you dont know if its all been mentioned to your son and he had put his two-penneth worth in.

VioletSky Mon 12-Feb-24 23:28:00

I'm so sorry your son said such an awful thing

I think you made a mistake in the message in the way it was worded. It would have been better just to invite them round and not be offering something as that could be taken as manipulative

Potentially though, it actually reflects well on your grandchildren that they are not coming just because something is in it for them.

If there is a chance for a relationship with them in future, I would try to keep contact a bit more natural, relationships should be about being interested in and spending time with the other person... Ask them how they are, show an interest in their lives and see how that goes instead

Glorianny Tue 13-Feb-24 06:34:07

This is another thread where we only get one person's point of view. No one should wish anyone else dead but as we have no idea of what had happened previously there may be faults on both sides. The son has brought up the children on his own for 5 years, offering them "something to their advantage" in order to gain contact is manipulative. And the grandchildren may well view it as such.