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Demanding neighbour

(72 Posts)
Aveline Wed 21-Feb-24 11:34:36

Our neighbour is over 90, lives alone, has refused carers, is very deaf, confused etc and expects us neighbours to jump to it when she has a problem. There's a very nice couple who have POA but they live 40 miles away. They come almost weekly and are at their wits end about this lady.
She is impossible to speak to as she doesn't listen and just goes off on tangents of her own.
We got home from holiday late at night on Monday to a long wandering phone message about her dishwasher. It ended rather emotionally with, 'So I'll just sit here till you come.' We had no idea when the message had been left.
As she's so hard to engage I posted a note through her letterbox to explain and to suggest that she contact an electrician if she hasn't already done so.
She needs proper help, a care home or fully supported living. The couple with POA have tried but with no luck. She just won't co operate.
What to do? We can't take responsibility for her. What can we do? We don't know her GP and doubt SW would take a referral besides it's not up to us.
I feel guilty but manipulated.

Grandmabatty Wed 21-Feb-24 11:48:54

Can you contact the couple who have poa to say what you've said here? It sounds like it's time for them to put poa into action.

Tink75 Wed 21-Feb-24 11:52:56

Adult care Social Services will come out if you ring them.

AGAA4 Wed 21-Feb-24 11:53:48

I think you should stop feeling guilty. Your neighbour is not your responsibility. She has refused carers yet expects you to sort out her problems.
It sounds as though she has no family as the couple you mention have POA.
It's really up to them to sort out her problems not you. I realise it's hard on them but they have taken on that burden.

Nannashirlz Wed 21-Feb-24 12:24:25

Ring your local council. I also live in a bungalow and I’m youngest of all our neighbours only lived here 6 months and get a lot of what you getting. One had a fall other week when I was away and her son said did you not pop round and I kindly pointed out to him I’m neighbor not carer and it’s his mum not mine. She was always on the phone for one thing or other. he only came once a week for his 30min visit I ended up calling council for advice as she was opening her door and leaving it open shouting at strangers etc but she is in a care home now

Kate1949 Wed 21-Feb-24 12:48:29

Oh Aveline I feel your pain. I've just had a right palarver with my 96 year old next door neighbour. It's too long winded to go into but dear me it was hard work!

AmberSpyglass Wed 21-Feb-24 12:53:52

Speak to adult social services, speak to the people with POA and then let her know through a note and maybe over a cuppa that you won’t be able to help her in future so not to ask. I’d say unless it’s an emergency, but I suspect even small things would seem like an emergency.

It’s very sad, but it sounds like she really isn’t safe in her own home.

Jaxjacky Wed 21-Feb-24 12:54:39

A POA for health and welfare can only be used if the person no longer has mental capacity.
You could ask the local authority adult social services to make a welfare check.

Susiewong65 Wed 21-Feb-24 12:54:56

The more you dance to her tune the more tunes she will play.
Don’t engage with her requests, tell the people who have POA and leave it with them.
She sounds like a master of manipulation who has probably done this for a good part of her life.

Chardy Wed 21-Feb-24 13:09:44

Perhaps a stomach bug lasting a week or so might prove useful for you 2.

Kate1949 Wed 21-Feb-24 13:13:34

When my neighbour rang today, she asked for my husband. I told her he was out. She said 'Of all the days to choose to go out, he chose today.' Unbelievable. He didn't choose to go out, he had an appointment. No good explaining that to her. She doesn't listen and is very self centred.

Sago Wed 21-Feb-24 13:33:34

Sadly this is not unusual as some people get older they become very selfish.

It is unfair to expect neighbours to get involved.

An “aunt” of my husbands was very demanding, we would do a 40 mile round trip to move something in the garden.

I once spent a whole day with her cleaner and daughter scrubbing her filthy house, when she got back to a sparkling home 9 hours later she got angry because we had thrown some 10 year old newspapers away, it was so bad we wore face masks, she had never allowed her cleaner upstairs.

She cultivated a couple in the village who madly ran around for her, as a childless widow her estate was sizeable, the poor couple were promised the earth and got nothing!

I certainly wasn’t in it for the money, I was just wanted her to be able to have a home clean enough to let social services in so she could get a care package and hopefully take the pressure off us helpers.

By the time she was admitted into a home she had fallen out with just about everyone who tried to help her.

kittylester Wed 21-Feb-24 13:55:39

This is potentially a safeguarding issue so Adult Social Care are the people to contact.

Aveline Wed 21-Feb-24 14:10:17

The couple with POA are very nice and also concerned. Next time I catch them I'll try to pin them down for some sort of action.

Kate1949 Wed 21-Feb-24 14:45:03

My neighbour is looked after by a couple over the road who are about 80 ish. They take her to appointment s etc, make sure she has everything she needs etc but the woman is very shouty and snappy with her at times.

Today's call to us was because she had been upstairs (the woman told her not to in case she fell). She had knocked the bathroom blind and one of the slats had come down. She was frightened that this woman would see it and she would get shouted at. It was nothing. I fixed it but was told to make sure I hadn't moved a towel, that the blind was closed, the door was only ajar a few inches as this woman would know she'd been up there.

welbeck Wed 21-Feb-24 15:34:25

is that really a helping relationship?
sounds like she is in fear of that woman.
that's not right, however helpful they seem.
i would have concerns about that.
maybe they are dominating her, making her rely on them, and manipulating.

NotSpaghetti Wed 21-Feb-24 16:00:48

I feel that too welbeck.
Elder abuse?

Germanshepherdsmum Wed 21-Feb-24 16:06:33

I would be concerned that the woman is being manipulated, possibly with a view to leaving her estate to the couple. It’s not normal for someone to be so afraid of someone who helps them.

Kate1949 Wed 21-Feb-24 16:15:12

Yes I realise that everyone. When my neighbour's husband died many years ago, this couple took her under their wing. Her husband had been an invalid for years. They took her on lovely holidays abroad and she saw places that she never woul have. She is grateful to them. She has no one else and they do make sure she has everything she needs. The woman is just quick tempered and probably fed up with looking after an old lady. They go in and have tea and cake with her every day. She has no one else. She is a lady who could test the patience of a saint. I'm pretty sure there is no abuse. The woman (carer) does a good job but my neighbour is obviously afraid to upset her in case she stops helping her.

Kate1949 Wed 21-Feb-24 16:20:13

To be fair, they had told her not to go upstairs in case she fell. She still went up. There is no need. Her bed is downstairs as is a shower room/toilet. She has a cleaner. They are telling her for her own good but she still went up.

Labradora Wed 21-Feb-24 16:27:22

You should place this into the hands of the POA couple who must be more closely connected with your elderley neighbour than you are?
This is a legal responsibility that they have taken on , right? They have a duty to deal with it I think.

Germanshepherdsmum Wed 21-Feb-24 16:29:08

That sounds better Kate.
Lovely to see you posting again btw, 😊

Kate1949 Wed 21-Feb-24 16:31:50

Thank you GSM. You too.

Aveline Wed 21-Feb-24 17:36:59

The POA couple need to get tough with her I think but hesitate to. I'll try to get this through to them next time I see them.

Oldnproud Wed 21-Feb-24 18:05:11

It says on Gov.Uk that one can "choose to stop acting as an attorney".

In other words, the couple are not legally obliged to carry on if they dont want to, though there are forms to fill in ... .

In their position, I would be seriously considering that option.