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In tears because of GD

(197 Posts)
YorkshireQueen Thu 29-Feb-24 18:51:11

I posted before and got some nasty replies. Hoping this subsection of the forum is kinder.
I have 2 granddaughters in very different scenarios yet they both still live at home at 31 and 39.
The 39 year old because she is single, on a low wage and can't afford to move out on a single salary where we live (London area) she also has autoimmune illnesses although they are controlled.
The 31 year old, works part time, has a partner and is in the process of buying a flat which we think will be accepted.
I posted before about my eldest GD acting difficult over the announcement that her sister was getting a flat. As in, she would stay upstairs and stay distant from the family. Well things have taken a turn for the worst. Her sister has also now got engaged as of yesterday, and we are of course overjoyed. Except, guess what. Her sister.
I went round yesterday and the whole family was overjoyed yet my eldest GD stayed in her room only briefly coming out to say hello. She didn't reply to the group text announcing it but apparently did send her sister an individual brief message. Today when I saw her she was civil but distant with me and it has just really upset me as feels like I am doing something wrong by being so happy for my youngest and the joy she is experiencing right now.

fancythat Thu 29-Feb-24 19:07:49

You cannot make everything "right" for the eldest GD.

So long as no one is rubbing things in her face, not sure what else you can do?

Siblings' lives do turn out differently from each other. Quite often from what I see.

Grandmabatty Thu 29-Feb-24 19:11:59

She sent her sister a message
She spoke to you when she saw you
Why on earth are you in tears?
Think about it from her point of view. She's stuck at home, works hard for little pay, has ill health and no partner and she sees her younger sister having everything she doesn't. You are making a drama here and I'm sorry if you think that's nasty. I feel really sorry for her

MissInterpreted Thu 29-Feb-24 19:14:38

You can't control how she feels about the situation. I know it must be upsetting for you, but all you can do is be there for her if and when she needs your help and support. If she wants to shut herself away from everyone, that's up to her.

Sarnia Thu 29-Feb-24 19:15:40

As the eldest, I suppose she expected to be engaged and buying her first home before her younger sister. Just act normally. Be happy, by all means, but don't go on about her sister too much. You can't change how your GD feels but you can be there for her if and when she wants to talk about it.

Namsnanny Thu 29-Feb-24 19:16:08

I'm sorry you feel upset.

But can you imagine how your eldest GD must be feeling?

Isolated, lonely, confused and much more.

I'm also sorry you haven't given some of the other replies to your first thread much thought.

Again, I would be proud of your eldest gd if she were mine.
She isn't taking her feelings out on any of you. She is removing herself from a situation that causes her pain.

Why is that difficult for you to wrap your head around I wonder?

Is it because you have all taken her for granted in the past, and now she is pushing back it upsets you?

Last but not least said with the greatest of respect, if you can't find a way of supporting her then leave her alone.

Here's hoping you can find a way to be especially thoughtful towards her flowers

M0nica Thu 29-Feb-24 19:16:40

Why not just accept your older grand daughter as she is. It is clear that she is not interested in her sister's engagement and that is that. Just accept it.

Your older grand daughter is, in your words, 'civil but distant with you'. She has said and done nothing to either make you upset or stop you being joyful about her sister's engagement.

Quite simply she doesn't share your emotions over the engagement and there is no reason why she should, nor is there any reason why you should expect her to. So stop being upset and continue being joyful about the engagement. Just show respect for your elder grand daughter by not being over joyful in her presence or trying to make her think like you do.

My childhood was marred by people always wanting me to think like they did and never accepting that I thought differently, my sympathies are all with your older grand daughter

Delila Thu 29-Feb-24 19:18:18

YorkshireQueen, I remember your previous post on the subject of your elder GD. It sounds as though your attitude toward her hasn’t improved, and I feel very sorry for her. Presumably she has her own relationship with her sister and has messaged her - she doesn’t need to make a public display for the benefit of a family waiting to criticise her, whatever she does.

rafichagran Thu 29-Feb-24 19:23:29

I commented on your other post, my opinion has not changed. I am still on the side of the older Grandaughter.

flappergirl Thu 29-Feb-24 19:26:50

I remember your earlier post YorkshireQueen. Those who responded were not nasty, they were trying to make you see how sad, low and isolated your eldest GD must feel.

Her healthy younger sister has got a flat and now a fiance and everyone in the household is cheering and putting out the bunting. How do you think that makes this nearly 40 year old with poor health feel?

You couldn't begin to comprehend her emotions last time, not on any level, and as a grandmother you had no compassion for her. It looks like you still haven't so any words will be wasted trying to explain.

Cossy Thu 29-Feb-24 19:30:29

I wish your younger grandchild well in her endeavours, if I recall her and her partner are possibly biting off more than they might be able to chew financially.

As for your elder daughter, she’s sounds like she’s not only coping with awful physical conditions but that she might be going through some clinical depression.

Not sure why you’re crying. Just go with the flow! If your younger granddaughter is not upset by her sister, why should you be?

Cossy Thu 29-Feb-24 19:31:15

Sorry elder granddaughter

Granniesunite Thu 29-Feb-24 19:33:04

Of course you celebrate your youngest granddaughter's happiness.. but I’d let my oldest granddaughter know how much I loved her and would support her in any way possible.

She sounds terribly unhappy.

pascal30 Thu 29-Feb-24 19:37:26

It's very clearwho the favourite is in this household and particularly for you.. Just try being nice to your elder GD

MissAdventure Thu 29-Feb-24 19:41:16

I can't understand the jubilation because the one granddaughter has got engaged, really.
Perhaps your granddaughter doesnt see what all the fuss is about, too?

Namsnanny Thu 29-Feb-24 19:44:50

I felt the same way MissAdventure (very nice to see your name around, btw smile).

MissAdventure Thu 29-Feb-24 19:49:31

Thank you. smile

I'm glad you have the same opinion as me, too.

I feel it's not as if the younger granddaughter has done all this herself; it's pretty obvious it's because her partner is well off that she has a different life.

VioletSky Thu 29-Feb-24 19:51:37

She could be suffering with her mental health

Just be kind and supportive

She isn't doing anything wrong by being distant when she is struggling

Callistemon21 Thu 29-Feb-24 19:53:05

Today when I saw her she was civil but distant with me and it has just really upset me as feels like I am doing something wrong by being so happy for my youngest and the joy she is experiencing right now.

Now, if you'd said you were in tears because you felt sorry for your older DGD I'd understand.
But this seems to be all about you and your feelings.
It's not about you.
It's not about your younger DGD, either, she's fine, got everyone wrapped round her little finger. Come out the toilet smelling of roses, as the saying goes.

It's about your poor isolated, disabled, hardworking, unhappy older DGD.

Think on.
🤔

Callistemon21 Thu 29-Feb-24 19:54:20

Honestly, what was the point of all the posts on the other thread?
Nothing changes.

Cossy Thu 29-Feb-24 19:55:18

Callistemon21

You’re spot on my dear smile

Callistemon21 Thu 29-Feb-24 19:56:59

Cossy

Callistemon21

You’re spot on my dear smile

🙂 Was I harsh?
Perhaps just exasperated!

BlueBelle Thu 29-Feb-24 20:03:37

I too haven’t changed my opinion I still prefer the eldest lady’s attitude and think the youngest is your favourite
So my advice is just the same
Just because you start a new thread and phrase it differently doesn’t make it a different story

Your eldest sounds a saint and your youngest sounds spoilt

crazyH Thu 29-Feb-24 20:03:57

It’s so difficult, isn’t it YorkshireQueen - my only advice is : don’t rub it in the elder sister’s face - I know you won’t. My oldest 2 GC are just 14 months apart. GS failed his degree and is resitting this year. His sister is also now in the same year, and will probably pass first time. I can’t see it as a problem because they are very close, but you never know …I hope he gets his degree this time. We’ll see. But I can understand how you feel YQ

petra Thu 29-Feb-24 20:05:17

Callistemon21

Cossy

Callistemon21

You’re spot on my dear smile

🙂 Was I harsh?
Perhaps just exasperated!

Maybe the OP thought well, I didn’t get the response i wanted last time so I’ll give it another shot