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I'm finding bei g a grandmother extremely hard

(13 Posts)
Tabba25 Thu 02-Jul-20 16:34:41

Hi my daughter gave birth on 5th june It is totally the worst time of my life after all the excitement looking foward to it and then I cant even hold him or help my daughter because she is shielding. Now she is paranoid eg. Think shes broken his neck, given him bleed on brain, meningitis, lots of things she phones me with she was holding the baby oil and it slipped onto his head about 1 inch and off we go again panick stations. I went to her.house and used the toilet then she phones me later " mum I touched the tap after you then I sanitised my hands then I touched him is he ok? I really am struggling to help her she has had an assessment with mental health but no plan yet. I'm doubly angry as I suffer with anxiety myself and now I'm starting to feel angry that I am.not going.to.bond or even have.photos with him. To everyone else she makes out all is good and I think it's ok then I get a phone call and she wont let me help her I keep getting covid tested but still she thinks I'm contagious. I watch people I know with their grandchildren and I'm so jealous and upset we can never get this time back and what should be happy is just awful.

BlueBelle Thu 02-Jul-20 16:57:32

Don’t be jealous it will settle but I do think your daughter needs some big help can you phone the surgery and ask for a midwife or whatever they have now for new mums to at least ring her and give her some calming advice she is so paranoid that her mental health will unwittingly affect the baby Do they not have anyone keeping an eye on new mums now (I m out of touch) Is there a dad on the scene ?
Stop worrying about bonding and photos there will be all sorts of opportunities later in that really is the least if your problems that will all fit into place
Are you alone and she alone could you not join forces ? To help her isn’t that what these bubbles are about ?

AGAA4 Thu 02-Jul-20 17:00:29

Heartbreaking situation for you Tabba. Your daughter has severe anxiety and I hope the mental health team will help her soon.

Are you able to get in touch with them yourself and tell them what is happening?

Hithere Thu 02-Jul-20 17:17:21

It is a very hard time for everybody.

I agree your daughters should reach out for a ppd/ppa evaluation.

Tabba25 Thu 02-Jul-20 18:50:18

Thanks yes there is a husband with her so shes not alone it's just so awful seeing her suffer like this and the mental health team are dragging their feet. It's all so different now and it seems no new mother can get any help

SueDonim Thu 02-Jul-20 19:05:40

I think you should put your concern about bonding with your GC to one side for now. There are many grans on GN who have AC who live abroad. I’m one of them and whilst I was unable to spend the early days with my GC, I have always had lovely relationships with the little ones. smile

Your daughter sounds very poorly indeed in MH terms. I’ve some experience of postnatal depression in its various manifestations and she really sounds as though she needs help ASAP. Can someone call the doctor or midwife every day to ask when she’ll be seen. It shouldn’t happen but sometimes he who shouts loudest gets the most attention. 😔

welbeck Thu 02-Jul-20 19:09:55

why does she ring you so much if she has a husband. is he aware of how she is feeling, struggling. i presume it's her first.
is he doing his share of the childcare.
can she talk to him. what is his health status. is he extra anxious.
i think she might have a long wait for mental health input.
are there any local self-help support groups she could get in touch with, eg mind, or for new mums.
as for bonding etc, that will have to wait. no good being angry about it. why were you in her house if she is shielding.

SueDonim Thu 02-Jul-20 19:12:51

I forgot to add some useful links. Association for postnatal Illness are good. apni.org/

There are also NHS recommended websites. www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/mental-health-helplines/

Your daughter doesn’t have to ring them, you could call and ask for their advice. I do hope you can all begin to enjoy your wee baby grandchild soon. flowers

sodapop Thu 02-Jul-20 19:13:49

Your daughter needs help definitely with her anxiety Tabba25 can you get this speeded up for her. In the meantime try not to take what she is saying to heart, you are her nearest and dearest and she can express her feelings to you.
This too will pass and you will have time to bond with your grandson, your daughter needs your support now. I hope things improve for you all soon.

BlueBelle Thu 02-Jul-20 19:30:07

Please don’t think the mental health team are ‘dragging their feet’ it seems like it to you but they are inundated with suicides ,and all range of mental health problems that have all been 100% increased by this lockdown
I have a close relative in the mental health team and they are on a different kind of front line but nevertheless a front line indeed and close to breaking point
Suedonim has given some good suggestions there is also an NHS www called headspace which is excellent to go through
Can you not get her husband on side to help her go through some of these things so she is not worrying you quite so much
It will pass

ElaineI Fri 03-Jul-20 13:48:30

It sounds like post natal depression which should be an emergency. Can her husband contact her health visitor or GP? It's not acceptable to have to wait when she is like this.

Hithere Fri 03-Jul-20 14:29:47

psychology-tools.com/test/epds

She can take this test online, same one they gave me in the obgyn after the birth of my kids.

Summerlove Fri 03-Jul-20 14:54:00

Your poor daughter sounds like she’s really struggling.

Please try to put aside your upset at lack to cuddles and photos and focus on helping her. It certainly sounds as though she trusts you.