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Not included in DS/DIL & GS Christmas bubble

(263 Posts)
grannylancs Thu 26-Nov-20 17:23:20

Hello,

Following the latest announcement I contacted my DIL's mum to ask if this meant we were seeing them at xmas, to which she replied saying probably not as she has 2 other adult children to consider as well as DIL/DD (other adult children have no kids).

So I contacted DS asking what the plans were for over xmas and he didn't reply for a day then said they weren't sure as they will be going to DIL family for xmas. We have no other children so we were quite upset and explained this, when DIL family have other company.
They said that it was DIL family turn last year but they couldnt go as GS had a surgery so they had to isolate, so they are going this year. Also they haven't seen DIL brothers at all since March and GS is only just 1 so this is a big chunk of his life.

I pushed again that this meant we would be alone and they pointed out we should see my DM as they wouldn't be able to. Because I was upset DH rang to have 'a word' with DS and they ended up arguing and it came out that they don't trust us to be honest about when we were ill because last year we visited with the start of the cold and DIL got ill and it caused trouble for GS planned surgery (he is all well now, the surgery solved his issues). Also I got told off for messaging DIL's mum (who we are friendly with but only see for family party etc) as they said i was trying to guilt trip her.
Should we be punished for having a cold last year?! As I feel this is what it comes down to. I'm very upset and feel this is all DIL doing to see her own family.

Is anyone else being excluded like this? Please advise as we don't want to spend christmas alone.

vampirequeen Thu 26-Nov-20 17:27:38

My DDs always spend Christmas with their dad (my ex). It used to upset me but now I think what the hell. Have a nice quiet day with your DH. Plan some treats for yourselves.

tanith Thu 26-Nov-20 17:30:46

I think you should allow your son and his wife to make the best decision for them and shouldn’t be putting pressure on everyone including yourself and DH. What is so bad about spending Christmas with DH? Thousands will be alone including myself it’s just one year, I don’t think they are deliberately excluding you.

grannylancs Thu 26-Nov-20 17:32:13

vampirequeen

My DDs always spend Christmas with their dad (my ex). It used to upset me but now I think what the hell. Have a nice quiet day with your DH. Plan some treats for yourselves.

Yes but most days since March have been quiet days just me and DH lol

They also don't like that I still go retail shopping and coffee with friends (when allowed!) as they completely isolate apart from DIL has walks with pram with her friend. DIL family also isolate apart from supermarket shop.

Dollypollylolly Thu 26-Nov-20 17:32:48

Personally it wouldn’t bother me at all

Peace and quiet what’s not to like.

grannylancs Thu 26-Nov-20 17:34:06

tanith

I think you should allow your son and his wife to make the best decision for them and shouldn’t be putting pressure on everyone including yourself and DH. What is so bad about spending Christmas with DH? Thousands will be alone including myself it’s just one year, I don’t think they are deliberately excluding you.

We didn't get to see them last year because they isolated so have never had a christmas with GS

Smileless2012 Thu 26-Nov-20 17:37:10

Arrangements have been made so I'm afraid no amount of pushing will make things any better and anymore pushing could make the situation worse.

I understand you're being upset grannylancs but Christmas often does leave some family members feeling left out but there's always next year and you wont be spending Christmas alone if you spend it with your mum.

I suspect the comment about you visiting last year with the start of a cold was more to do with reacting to feeling pressurised, than punishing you as they'd already explained why they wouldn't be spending this Christmas with you.

An apology for letting your feelings of disappointment 'get the better of you' would be a good idea, especially as this has resulted in an argument between your DS and DH.

Enjoy this Christmas with your mum and look forward to next year.

Dinahmo Thu 26-Nov-20 17:41:44

I think that the media has a lot to be blamed for over the fuss/worry about Christmas. There are regular items on the daily chat shows about people not being able to see all their family. I understand that if someone is on their own at home it could be upsetting for them but for those who have a spouse/partner then it could be enjoyable for them to do/eat/drink/watch exactly what they chose.

It's just a few days in an horrible year and the sooner we get safely into 2021 the better. With a bit of luck we can have all the celebrations that we want.

suziewoozie Thu 26-Nov-20 17:46:50

I can understand your being upset but don’t let it continue to rankle - we’re planning just the two of us and I’m
focusing on just making a nice day.

grannylancs Thu 26-Nov-20 17:48:58

Smileless2012

Arrangements have been made so I'm afraid no amount of pushing will make things any better and anymore pushing could make the situation worse.

I understand you're being upset grannylancs but Christmas often does leave some family members feeling left out but there's always next year and you wont be spending Christmas alone if you spend it with your mum.

I suspect the comment about you visiting last year with the start of a cold was more to do with reacting to feeling pressurised, than punishing you as they'd already explained why they wouldn't be spending this Christmas with you.

An apology for letting your feelings of disappointment 'get the better of you' would be a good idea, especially as this has resulted in an argument between your DS and DH.

Enjoy this Christmas with your mum and look forward to next year.

Thank you for your comments. You might be right about the cold last year.

We have only had garden visits since March and I'm tired of not being allowed inside and essentially being made to sound like a lepar because I go to the local shopping centre on a saturday!

They are very close with my DM, DIL even calls her usually once a week separate to when my DS rings, so I have heard they have seen DIL parents inside since March.

I just feel left out the loop. There is always next year but when DIL was pregnant she said once her baby was toddling they would be going where best for GS and his experience and I wouldn't be surprised if this was at DIL's family every year!

grannylancs Thu 26-Nov-20 17:50:13

Dinahmo

I think that the media has a lot to be blamed for over the fuss/worry about Christmas. There are regular items on the daily chat shows about people not being able to see all their family. I understand that if someone is on their own at home it could be upsetting for them but for those who have a spouse/partner then it could be enjoyable for them to do/eat/drink/watch exactly what they chose.

It's just a few days in an horrible year and the sooner we get safely into 2021 the better. With a bit of luck we can have all the celebrations that we want.

Yes I agree about the media.

I think I wouldn't mind so much if they could come here boxing day as they have done before when seeing DIL family but I do feel like the left behind old people on the age concern adverts!

Whingingmom Thu 26-Nov-20 17:51:15

I would be disappointed too, so I can understand. I don’t think it’s worth heated words and a disagreement which could make things worse. Your son probably feels torn between you and his wife/in-laws. Keep the peace and look forward to a better year next year.

PollyDolly Thu 26-Nov-20 17:56:36

Enjoy your Christmas with your OH, ignore all the previous messages and conversations with your DS etc and don't mention the subject again. Let DS do the running now. Watch and wait, they'll need you before long.
Stay safe and have a good Christmas, after all, it's only one day 🤷‍♀️

FarNorth Thu 26-Nov-20 18:00:28

I think it was very bad of you to visit with a cold if you knew how careful they were being due to the surgery.
I'd be very annoyed with you, in their situation.

Stop moaning and pushing.
Make the best of it this year and don't get ideas about how you'll be rejected in the future - or that'll affect your attitude and make it more likely to happen.

Lexisgranny Thu 26-Nov-20 18:02:38

I think you may be treading an unwise path. Think hard about blaming your daughter in law, it cannot end well. You are not alone, you will be with your husband and your mother, don’t let your disappointment spoil your Christmas. Could you possibly arrange that on Christmas Day you do Zoom or FaceTime? Perhaps you could plan a really special celebration with your son and his family, when we have all had the vaccination. Everyone has had a stressful time, look forward to better ones.

Daddima Thu 26-Nov-20 18:03:51

I agree with Dinahmo, that the media’s constant harping on about not being able to see your family makes us feel left out if our family members have made arrangements which don’t include us. Once again I say that so many people are not doing exactly what they want because they have to keep other people happy. Unless I’ve misunderstood, Grannylancs contacted her son’s in-laws to ask if they were invited, and, if that’s the case, I can understand if he was annoyed, especially as his dad called him to ‘ have a word’.
So, rather than be invited ‘ on sufferance’, I’d suggest inviting your son and his wife another day, and spending the day with your mother ( who , again if I’ve understood, will be alone). I’m sure you’ll be able to enjoy it.

Hithere Thu 26-Nov-20 18:04:24

They made their plans already and making a big fuss about it will not get you anywhere, in fact, complicates the situation even more.

Apart from that, pandemic anybody? It is only one xmas out of many left to celebrate.
Better be safe than sorry

You could always videochat.

I can see the incident of the cold last year being a very valid concern.
Did they know you were getting sick before visiting and they ok'd the visit?

I would apologize to them for not accepting their decision and pushing them to change their minds twice.

Let all this cool down. You don't want them to push them further away.

eazybee Thu 26-Nov-20 18:07:49

Could you think about organising a family do for Easter; invitations out now, no other commitments, something to look forward to; you might be able to have both children and families together by then.

Please don't allow their decisions to rankle; you have to accept them gracefully. Piling the guilt on won't achieve anything other than a family feud.

grannylancs Thu 26-Nov-20 18:08:11

Lexisgranny

I think you may be treading an unwise path. Think hard about blaming your daughter in law, it cannot end well. You are not alone, you will be with your husband and your mother, don’t let your disappointment spoil your Christmas. Could you possibly arrange that on Christmas Day you do Zoom or FaceTime? Perhaps you could plan a really special celebration with your son and his family, when we have all had the vaccination. Everyone has had a stressful time, look forward to better ones.

I do not blame DIL when talking to DS, i am smarter than that.
We can do a video call but GS is not interested but will try that. Thank you.

grannylancs Thu 26-Nov-20 18:14:17

Hithere

They made their plans already and making a big fuss about it will not get you anywhere, in fact, complicates the situation even more.

Apart from that, pandemic anybody? It is only one xmas out of many left to celebrate.
Better be safe than sorry

You could always videochat.

I can see the incident of the cold last year being a very valid concern.
Did they know you were getting sick before visiting and they ok'd the visit?

I would apologize to them for not accepting their decision and pushing them to change their minds twice.

Let all this cool down. You don't want them to push them further away.

With the cold we had only seen our newborn GS 4 times and we went to visit and I was sneezing and sniffling and when I blew my nose we had an argument and they asked us to leave because I was ill and GS had surgery.

The next time i visited a week or 2 later I was feeling much better but was a bit sniffly from the cold and started coughing abit. I had a text 2 days later from DS because DIL was ill and they blamed me. It meant GS surgery got pushed back til after christmas so they had to stay in and it really upset me they blamed me as there is no way of knowing how they got the cold.
They say they were staying inside but I think DIL was still seeing people secretly.

Backedintoacorner Thu 26-Nov-20 18:17:09

I feel sad that you were planning to leave your mum alone on Christmas?

grannylancs Thu 26-Nov-20 18:17:27

eazybee

Could you think about organising a family do for Easter; invitations out now, no other commitments, something to look forward to; you might be able to have both children and families together by then.

Please don't allow their decisions to rankle; you have to accept them gracefully. Piling the guilt on won't achieve anything other than a family feud.

This is a good idea. We don't normally celebrate Easter at all but DIL family do so would be an opportunity to invite them for a 'big day'.

Backedintoacorner Thu 26-Nov-20 18:18:36

Actually- are you for real? You went to see a newborn whilst knowing you were ill before he was supposed to have surgery. No wonder they can’t trust you!

MissAdventure Thu 26-Nov-20 18:19:44

I really wouldn't be issuing Easter invitations.
It seems very passive aggressive to me (or could be construed that way)

BlueBelle Thu 26-Nov-20 18:24:31

There is nearly always someone in a family not getting what they want Is it worth a row and bad feeling over a couple of days that the media whips us up into a frenzy over The fact that you got your husband as you put it to ring your son and have a word which ended in a row was a pretty bad move

It really is up to your son and wife to decide where they want to be and who with over Christmas and this year it isn’t your turn, accept it and enjoy it with each other you’re very very lucky to have a lovely partner to be with don’t let it spoil things We all have to accept disappointment and the mother of sons often do lose out Many of us have sons (or daughters)living in other countries and don’t see much of them or our grandkids at all, count your blessings, your turn next year
Swallow your disappointment and enjoy your Christmas