Wills and estranged children.

Many years ago in my family an aunt was left money by a wealthy relative. This was long before I was even born. The reason given was that she was the most regular visitor and tried to help as the relative became less able. Another relative was left out of a Will because they had been conning money from an older person. I came to see very clearly just how awful the disinherited person really was. I dont think people should expect inheritance I think to a certain level inheritance is earned by the conduct towards the older person.

Of course anyone is entitled to make a will to leave their assets to whomever they choose. However, rightful descendants may choose to contest if they feel your will is unfair or biased and a judge may well agree as in the case where a parent was estranged from her daughter and left everything to an animal charity.

The judge deemed the mother to be unfair and ensured the daughter did receive some inheritance.

If you do decide to leave inheritance in what might be considered by some as unfair it's important to outline the rationale of your decision in a letter but also to bear in mind this is no guarantee your chosen outcome and relatives fighting over money will eat into your inheritance and inflame ill feelings within the family.

Taints it all with sadness I feel.

Is there a cherished personal memento that could be left to the estranged, disinherited one? The Will could specify exactly why this is the bequest; left with love, but not particularly financially valuable perhaps?

My father's oldest brother was cut out of the will (one of 6 children) because he never visited or kept in touch with his parents. My father was disgusted and thought it was just something that wasn't done. I think things are different now and it is more about what feels right. I haven't spoken to him for over 40 years and would rather not receive anything but I know that he and his wife have made mirror wills dividing everything between the 4 adult children (one of her's has died so hopefully his child will get that share). I would prefer that there is nothing left because it would just remind me of things that I don't want to think about so I will probably just give it to charity.

I think there are 2 issues here. I think if a child has chosen to estrange themselves and have nothing to do with a parent then I personally would not feel obliged to leave anything to that child. Inheritance is not a right in life – it's a fabulous bonus if you're lucky enough to receive one! However, I would never cut a child out of my will because they had done better financially than their siblings as I think that would be a huge emotional rejection to a much loved and loving child. Also, although all seems to be well with that child at the moment, you never know what will hit them in the future –bankruptcy, divorce, ill health to name but a few. Anything could happen that would alter their circumstances. And then how bad would that be if they'd received nothing from you?

Lethe me just say this... ano adult child is still your child regardless. Many times adult children estranged themselves because a parent has left them feeling unwanted or not giving then as much attention as the other children. When you do this to your child (adult or not) you allow a hurt to manifest in their hearts and most likely they wouldn't want your benefits should you pass away. Because all they ever wanted was your time, love and support. And that was too much to ask.... just saying

If unfortunate enough to fall out with one, perhaps you could share your fortune with your Grandchildren instead.

My husband has in a way let go of his family. He speaks to them when he has to but won't go out of his way to know how they are doing. As an outsider, I have to say I think that they treated him unfairly and rejected his feelings and so in years they will complain that he is estranged by his choice but really they are the ones who pushed him away...

It's very sad for me to see as it was all avoidable and required a respect of boundaries. Name calling didn't help either and never does.

He says he doesn't care if he gets anything from them. He says, "they can give my share to their favourite son"... how very sad that a child ever has to say that.

This topic is very timely for me. I have an estranged daughter and I have no idea why she will not speak to me. I still send presents to the family but they are never acknowledged and I never see my grandchildren. I have toyed with the idea of cutting her out of my will and leaving her half to my two grandsons. I haven't yet had the courage but I know I shall have to do it. Recently, she got in touch on Messenger and I was elated. I sent a short answer opening up the conversation but it was a trap and she sent a barrage of abuse. I spiralled into deep depression and spent a week in bed not eating or showering. I now know I have to stop worrying about her. I have to live my life after all. I have sent a letter declaring my unconditional love and I shall continue to send presents but I know I have to skip a generation in my will. I shall also write a letter explaining why.

Courage is what's needed and each situation is different as radicalnan said.

Our children will be treated equally regardless of favourable behaviour. I don't like favouritism and it would cause ill will between the children if we should show favouritism towards them. Also if they are estranged they will feel justified in having being estranged - ie we didn't like/love/do enough/buy enough or whatever they felt happened to them and to prove it all we left them nothing. Each has a share in anything we leave and none of the others are entitled to it. It's theirs just because they are our children for the good of them all with luck.

When the Will is enacted you'll be gone, but the reverberations can last through generations. Is that what you want? If there is a problem with one of the children having an addiction of some sort, then set up a Trust. As for children being wealthier/poorer, you can make gifts to help out those less fortunate when they need them. Otherwise, make them all the same.

In Portugal things are different and the law says you cannot disinherit any of your children and it states how the inheritence has to be divided up. This includes when your husband or wife dies. You can make a will, (very expensive) and if you have good reason you can change a small percentage. Also makes things complicated as eveyones signature and identity is needed before property can be disposed of or inheritance sucured. People get round this by giving away before they die. I believe this is the situation in some other countries ? France

Very difficult decisions you have to make. Maybe a gift will show you always loved your child.

A legal boffin once informed me that if a child were to be disinherited it was safer to mention them by name and say I leave ...... £5. The reason for this derisory sum is that during the last ten years neither he nor his family have contacted me in any way. I therefore feel he has no feeling for me and prefer to give monies in other directions. This makes it difficult for him to challenge.
Would you not feel happier to first make an effort to contact him? They say the longer it is the more difficult it becomes and perhaps you as the parent should put out an olive branch to him particularly if this will make you happier and remove any bitterness. You cannot blame the grandchildren as they are usually very persuaded by the parental attitude.

Well my pennorth is ... share with a bit of tweaking. Try not to bring judgement too much into it. When my mum was angsting over her will; because my brother paid her scant attention; and was rich whereas I was relatively poor and always there for her I would have loved her to cut him out ... but not really. My brothers wife made her very unwelcome and he seemed unable to do anything about it. Because I was divorced and my children had no expectations from their father and she gave extra legacy to a son of my brothers previous marriage who had no expectations..she granted me 10% more of her estate. Difficult isn't it. And now I am writing my will and have s similar position. Ghastly DIL who however has my two only grandchildren ! Who I very rarely see and my daughter who is always there for me. It is so tempting to measure out judgement.... I can see this does not look very convincing but it wasn't till I had to go to the solicitors I understood my mums decision share but tweak it. There is always that caveat that a will can be changed. I hope this helps because it really is a bother and I deeply understand. I think too that my brother and or my son would not be made better people by being rejected in the will it goes deeper than money it goes with a sense of fairness. We all know life isn't fair But don't leave him out. There is also the sense of whatever it was that caused the dysfunction would be corroborated. And that's not fair either.

I had nothing to do with my mother for many reasons for a good number of years before she died. Have to say I did not expect anything from her when she went.
I was very surprised that she had cut all 4 of us children out of her will considering the other 3 still had contact with her and helped her out financially etc. My youngest brother had dealings with her on an almost daily basis.
My mother split the money between the existing grandchildren and this seemed to be ok with the others.

I did"nt know until very recently when I was reading a newspaper article that there is a 1975 Inheritance Act in England which allows people to challenge a will if they feel they have been purposely left out. It is then for a judge to decide if they should get something. It would appear your own wishes as to who gets what ...or not....might be challenged. It is a sad fact of life that some people are very much more materialistic than others and view their lives in this way. What is the point of making a will if a judge can determine the outcome, people choose their benefactors for a variety of reasons and are usually well thought out.

You can will anything to anybody but if you exclude a close family member then the will can be challenged which delays probate and is often costly. (the Peter Sellers syndrome) To prevent this from happening the will should also include a small gift (£5 ould suffice) to someone you wish to preclude from your main list of beneficiaries

Can you leave them something small (preferably evocative of happy times)?

I am the estranged child. If my parents were here they would assure you the fault was all mine.

My sister inherited the lot. She doesn't speak to me or my children.
So much easier for her not to acknowledge the abuse that drove me away.

A Chinese friend told me her parents wanted to disinherit her sister because they didnt like her lifestyle. She told them to go ahead it was their money. But as their Executor she would divide everything equally after they had gone. She wouldnt allow them to destroy her relationship with her sister

The other two disinherited children I know are estranged from the one who inherited too.

We cant tell you what to do. Just know it isnt just about money. Is also about anger, resentment, envy and loneliness. Look to your own heart before you act. Much love to you.

This has crossed my mind over the last year as one of my children totally blanked me over brexit to the extent she invited all the family for christmas and I was left on my own.
It has now started to thaw but still isn't what I would call a normal relationship. I have since had a mild heart attack and have hardly any contact still. She does have a busy job though.
My idea was to leave her half to my grandchildren (her children).
I have no answers to this and am still thinking about it.

This is a subject close to my heart. I don't think I could leave my child absolutely nothing, no matter what.
Perhaps leave something, money or a memento, plus a letter explaining why.

I have similar, I have a 35yr old son who I didn't bring up because his father was abusive, I was ill & allowed his maternal grandmother to bring him up. I didn't see him for 20odd years but in time he got in touch & we met up. He lives in America but now has minimal contact with me, its only that I follow him on Facebook & he likes occasional things. I suggest meeting up when he comes to the uk but he never responds, even when I offer to travel to him. I once loved the idea of leaving all 4 of my children, (I had more) equal amounts but I am getting a message that I'm not wanted in his life, should he still get the same as the others?
I also know about the rejection of being cut out of a will, my beloved uncle who I saw so much as a child was cared for by a distant cousin in his last 16 yrs and she put every obstacle possible in the way of my visits and contact with him. And guess what? He spent £500,000 + in his last few years and the little he did leave all went to the cousin. I feel rejected and cheated out of a relationship with my uncle, who lived 700 miles away from me

Whatever you decide, I would advise using legal advice in creating the will as you do not want anyone to be able to contest it!

We used a will writing service to create ours as there was a complication. (Nothing untoward but necessary to ensure we got it right) and it took the hassle out of it.

Difficult one, but leave some token to show that you haven't forgotten them. Let them feel guilty that they have treated you badly. That way you have demonstrated that you have risen above it all and showed you cared. If they have children, leave it to them.

I think its quite shameful that a grown child who has had no time for their parents would accept money. I wouldn't sleep at night if it were me.