No contact for weeks

Oops! I see I didn't say who my last comments were addressed to. the first paragraph was for MOnica and dragonfly and the rest was directed at dragonfly.

I prefer face to face contact rather than phoning. All my children live in the same town as me. They prefer that I go to them, rather than them come to me, which is fair enough. They have little ones and by the time they pack the bottles, nappies, etc the whole day is gone.
Btw keeping you on the doorstep is so rude. I never keep anyone talking on the doorstep.

Definitely agree that modern technology (mobile phones, computers, etc.) has raised expectations about contact. IMO, we all need to realize that people don't "have to" contact each other daily/often just b/c they can.

"They tend to ring me on the house phone and if I am not in they worry. My DS so much so that he has me on Find Friends so knows where I am all the time!"

IMO, it's sweet that DS worries that much, but over the top. Apparently, your DC have mobile phones, but how about you? If you do, why don't you ask them to ring you on that instead of the house phone? If you don't, maybe you should look into getting one. Then they'll be able to contact you wherever you are and not feel the need to track you down.

Also, do your DC ever leave a message on your house phone? If not, perhaps you should ask them to do that instead of keeping track of you all the time. If they do leave messages, do you reply in a timely fashion? If so, IDKY they are still worrying. If not, perhaps you need to answer more quickly than you do.

DS is lucky if you don't mind his keeping constant track of you. I'm fairly certain I would resent it.

If either of my DC had me on something that enabled them to keep track of me. I would warn them that they either signed me off or I would leave all my money to a cats home.

I blame mobile phones. When we lived abroad I used to phone my mum twice a week at the same time. If she wasn't in I worried. When my DD was at uni I used to ring her digs and speak to her or a friend if she was out. Now I do not ring my DC as I do not know where they are or what they are doing. Often it is inconvenient. I wait for them to ring me. They tend to ring me on the house phone and if I am not in they worry. My DS so much so that he has me on Find Friends so knows where I am all the time!

I think the problem is also so many of us are in constant contact with our DC that even a day without hearing from them seems like a problem.

I am not sure it is such a good idea. In the past there was a clear break between childhood and adulthood. Children grew up and if they moved away from home they might write home every couple of weeks, ring every month, but this constant living in each others pockets where parent and child never separate would have been thought weird and pathetic beyond belief.

We usually phone and chat to our children once a week, but even that gets missed at times because we or they are away or otherwise occupied. In between we ring/email/text, when there is information that needs sharing. We are all on Facebook. I couldn't tell you precisely when we were last in touch. Well, we spent last weekend staying with DS and family, but DD is about to take her last exam for her OU degree so currently is in purdah as she spends every moment she is not at work doing revision so we hear very littlefrom her. We will meet up after its over for a spa day.

It is not the quantity of contact that matters, it is the quality.

Well, IDK, MOnica. If DD seemed to be distancing me, I'd want to know if I had done anything wrong b/c then, perhaps, I could fix it. Would I assume I had done something wrong? No (unless there were something really obvious, but then I wouldn't have to ask or wonder about it). I know that, sometimes, it's really about issues in our AC's own lives, etc., that cause these strained relations. But I would, at least, think/ask about it and see what they said.

Once I hadn't heard from DD for weeks, not even in response to texts, phone calls, etc. (not incessant, just about once a week). So finally, I just decided to send her one more message, this time asking if she were angry at me for something. She replied immediately, saying she had just been "swamped with work" and would get in touch again when she had more free time (and she did). Ahhh... exhale!

Granted, IMO, she could/should have sent me a brief message earlier, saying that she would get back to me when she was freer, etc. But, at least, she responded to my show of concern and I found out what was going on. If I hadn't asked, I wouldn't have known.

All of which is to say, no harm asking if something's wrong, IMO, and sometimes it helps.

Why do posters like this always assume that, if something like this happens it is always their'fault' .

Why on earth should it be? Far too many grandparents seem to think they should kowtow and bow down to their children like slaves andif there is a problem it is always their fault for not being as obsequious and as obediant as their children demand.

If there is a problem, treat your children as they treat you. Sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander.

Clearly I haven’t read the whole thread. Sorry OP. And sorry for your situation?

I am afraid you have got to do all the work here. You are the one with more time and with less stuff getting in the way, it is really you who needs to keep the lines of communication going, just whilst they are busy with a young family. If any of my children contact me, my husband and I look at each other and say “ I wonder what they want??”. It is not that they don’t like or love us it is that unless we keep ourselves a constant in their lives it is easy for a busy family to put us to the bottom of the list. Just call them, say “are you in on Saturday, great I’m bringing DGS’s present around and I will bring cake too, put the kettle on”
It’s not a competition as to who cares more, it is a fact of life that we older folk need to still be guiding our DC to be how we want them to be!!

You have not done anything wrong if you had you would know. They want to live their own lives, adults children do not always want mum involved with their friends, think back to your own life when you had gatherings with friends and mum sitting their expecting attention all the time especially if you want to let your hair down. Let it go send a gift for your grandson your relationship with him is very special and he knows you love him. Get a hobby, go travelling show you are not upset, and most of all do not be clingy, or desperate if they call be cheerful and tell them all the things your up to take some trips find some friends have your own parties, let go. Sitting around mulling over whether your adult kids will ever call you is soul destroying. Two months is not a long time, and if DIL is off then let her get on with it, less trouble in your life.

Thanks bb and Maggie, but I don’t think mindfog actually read the op properly in the first place judging by the reply!!

Cross posted, BlueBelle.

To save anyone else spending time answering last year’s problem without reading the rest of the thread......

The OP now knows what the problem was.

21/04/2019 13:03 AnnieOaklea

ohmother and mindfog Please do read Annie s post a little higher up ALL is sorted this thread is a year old

Please do not turn up uninvited / unexpected for grandsons birthday, it will not go down well. Pick up the phone and have the conversation first!! Xx

Hi

Your post struck a cord with me from the side of DIL/DS.. and particularly the parting words of “i never go uninvited ANYMORE”... as a busy Mum of 2 toddlers (and you must remember it too) turning up uninvited these days isn’t acceptable when there are so many ways to get in touch first. Its rude and disruptive. I’m sorry to anyone that thinks otherwise but there is no excuse for it. They may be harbouring a grudge for past behaviours that have driven them crazy e.g turning up uninvited and outstaying your welcome when they are extremely busy and have routines to manage etc.

Perhaps your sil/ds are tired of always being the organiser / initiator of your meetings? My MIL expects me to arrange everything, or she will sit and fester for weeks on end wondering why I havent been in touch. I would appreciate it massively if she dropped me a msg or gave me a call once in a blue moon and said hey i’d love to see you and the kids, do you fancy coming for lunch? But it will never happen. Tbh it makes me a bit resentful because its always me to organise, i make her a meal most weeks (amongst other things but i wont bore with details) and she doesnt offer to do her bit in any way. It makes me feel like a slave. I do it for DH and the children but her attitude does grate on me.

Anyway the reason for telling you all this is because I didnt contact her for a few weeks in the hope she might initiate something herself.. she didn’t! And if I would have had a BBQ with friends during that time (or any other really) she wouldnt necessarily be invited because sometimes you want to relax with friends and not have your parents there.

If its advice you are after I would say try to build a relationship with your DIL as well as DS and maybe offee to help out with the kids sometimes, invite them to your house instead of expecting to always be invited to theirs, and generally make it a two way street. The fact your DS has mentioned you havent been in touch either indicates that your expectations of them and your own lack of contact are probably an issue. Good luck xx

Good suggestion of taking round a birthday prezzy for grandson and then asking gently if you’ve overstepped the mark on anything. Or you could ring and ask what your grandson might want for his birthday and ask then. It might cut the waiting to find out.

Oh AnnieOaklea, I'm so sorry! It doesn't surprise me though. Often Iv noticed that when gps get pushed away, it's because of a problem in the young couple's marriage.

When you say things have "settled down a little bit for them now," I take it you mean ds has ended his affair. I hope they are going for marriage counseling. But I know that's up to them.

You say "the marriage is limping along." I'm sorry to hear that and hope it gets better. Also hope it's no longer affecting you, but I realize it might be. Please understand that if they don't see/speak to you that often, it's probably due to continued tensions between them and has little to do with you. I hope you are able to see ds and the gc and give them gifts, etc., even if not as often as you'd like.

As for dil keeping you on the doorstep if you go over uninvited, my guess is that it's her way of saying, "Don't come over uninvited." So I'm glad you stopped doing that. Some people don't like drop-ins. I know I don't.

Wishing all the best to you and yours!

OMG, I'm so sorry! I came on here today after almost a year since I posted my first thread, and also being a newbie too. I honestly thought I'd replied regarding my thread, and I clearly hadn't. Apologies to everyone! Well, I DID find out what the problem was in October last year. My son was having an affair with his wife's best friend. He couldn't face seeing me and lying. His wife didn't know a thing about the affair until it all exploded in October, eight months after it started. Things have settled down a little bit for them now but the marriage is limping along. Who knows what their future holds.

AnnieOaklea why do you assume you have done something wrong? I would just contact them saying you know DGS birthday is at the weekend and you will be coming round to deliver his card and present and that you would like to stay and help with the party.

Well Annieoakley never came back and a month almost has passed so either she didn’t like our answers or she knocked on the door and all is ok we ll probably never know now ???

AnnieOaklea - have just read all this thread.

Come on, Annie! What have you done about this problem? You wrote three weeks ago. Am dying to know if any of the helpful advice you've received here was useful.
I really feel for you. Let us know how things are now.

Definitely agree it could just be a misunderstanding. It could also be the case that they've been very busy.

Agree with inviting them to your house. This way you're extending an olive branch but you're not putting pressure on them.

You deserve so much more respect. It's hard but you just have to ignore them now and let them get on with it. Look after yourself and rely on friends who care about you.