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Is no contact reoccurring in families

(66 Posts)
Luckylegs9 Thu 27-Dec-18 09:12:43

I spoke to one one recently who had no contact with her in laws, she said they clashed. Now her Dil and Son have distanced themselves from her and her partner and she's heartbroken. I didn't delve into anything but couldn't help wondering how her in laws saw the situation and if this was a way some families deal with conflict and things font get sorted. Despite my past issues, we always had our parents and in laws in our lives and there was no falling out, we managed to smooth over minor problems amicably.

paddyann Sun 30-Dec-18 12:53:24

I got rid of my mobile phone simply because I was sick of being called every 10 minutes when I was out.I was never a person who put pictures of my dinner on or selfies or even told all and sundry where I was .I did want to do some things in my life without anyone calling or texting so the phone went

.Thats nearly 3 years ago and I dont miss it at all.If anyone needs/wants to speak to me they call the landline and if I'm out or dont answer they can leave a message .I tell anyone who is aghast at my phoneless state that I managed very well without one until the eighties ( even then it was connected in the car) so I can manage without one now .I did have to get a new passport in a rush and at the Passport office they search your bags ,the security man wouldn't believe me when I said I didn't have /use a mobile and was going to get me searched by a female until my OH stepped in and confirmed my phoneless state .

crazyH Sun 30-Dec-18 13:46:26

So sorry Annie......may you somehow find the strength to cope with your loss. People sometimes do not know how and what to say in circumstances such as yours. Try to be brave and feel free to offload your sadness on here. flowers

notanan2 Sun 30-Dec-18 14:01:32

Going mobile phoneless is not an option for the employed or those seeking employment these days.

Overtime at my work is offered via text and the fastest fingers get it. Shift changes show up on the rota app which you are expected to check for updates/changes.

DillytheGardener Thu 13-Jun-19 12:49:04

I’m on the fence. I think estrangement or no contact has always been there, my mother did not speak to her father. (He ran off and left my mother for another woman when I was a baby, then expected to waltz back into my life when he realised he couldn’t have children with his new woman. My mother encouraged me to have a relationship with him, but even as a seven year old I saw right through him.
I’ve had on and off estrangement with my mother, she was a hard woman, not kind to the girls in my family, but treated my brother like more of husband than her own. (Other family members haves backed this particular point up as my godmother tried to adopt me to get me out of what she viewed as an unhealthy situation)
I always help my mother and have disrupted my own life to provide care for her for months sometimes years, but no contact would be better if I knew someone else would take over caring for her. It’s extremely painful, I wish she was kind, especially as my own mother in law is a very unpleasant and manipulative woman.
I’ve been recently going to counselling as I realised I have been a difficult presence for my own DILS ( couseller said learned behaviours?) so I don’t become the next woman in my family who relatives desire to go no contact with. It’s tough though, realising I have taken on unpleasant elements of these two women. I’m a work in progress, one step forward one step back.

DillytheGardener Thu 13-Jun-19 12:51:06

My father, not my mother’s father. Dyslexic, always worse if I didn’t sleep well the night before confused

Smileless2012 Thu 13-Jun-19 18:31:20

DillytheGardener despite the problems you have with your relationship with your mother, you haven't gone non contact. So the most valuable and important example you are setting you d's.i.l. is that estrangement is not always the only, never mind the best option.

None of us are perfect, we are products of our biology and our upbringing. Learned behaviours can be contrary to how we should and want to be as adults but what a wonderful example you are setting not just your d's.i.l.'s but your sons and GC too.

I hope that your family appreciates their importance to you and all that you are doing to ensure a happy family for you allflowers.

M0nica Fri 14-Jun-19 13:03:51

If estrangement in families goes down generations it is because families have developed a family culture and manner of communication that generates it and do not learn from their mistakes.

Smileless2012 Fri 14-Jun-19 13:31:48

Yes that's the worry MOnica our ES and his wife have introduced such a culture into their own little family. I hope for our ES's sake that his children don't do the same to him.

notentirelyallhere Fri 14-Jun-19 13:58:55

I think estrangement can be handed on in families, I also think it's always happened.

I've wondered about the influence of temperament and the willingness to think about one's own input, to consider turning a blind eye, to not retaliate and to be willing to apologise or be conciliatory despite thinking you are in the right.

Living with other people is rarely easy and I agree with those who think that all the modern means of communication pressurise us into closer relationships than we might have had to deal with in the past.

Smileless2012 Fri 14-Jun-19 14:08:41

Whether a family has a history of estrangement or, it's happening in a family for the first time, an example is being set to the next generation.

For those estranging AC without good reason to cut out their parents, their children are being 'taught' that there's no need for any of the content of your 2nd paragraph to be implemented.

People and relationships are dispensable. Regardless of the years of love and care that have been given, there's no need to talk about an issue, to try and find a resolution, just walk away.

stella1949 Fri 14-Jun-19 14:14:45

I guess it's easy to say that young people go no contact "without good reason" , but if you asked them , maybe they do have a good reason.

In my mother's day, people removed themselves by marriage or taking a job far away. When she got married she didn't see her own mother for 9 years, because of the distance she'd moved. These days, communication is so easy that it's harder for people to detach themselves from unpleasant family members. Maybe that is contributing to "going no contact ".

Smileless2012 Fri 14-Jun-19 14:21:50

Well if they do have good reason why don't they say what it is and if a good reason exists, why do some fabricate reasons?

You say Stella that when your mum married, she didn't see her own for 9 years. Did she have children during those 9 years and if so was you GM prevented from having any contact whatsoever including gifts and cards for Christmas and birthdays?

Sadly those of us whose AC have gone non contact have lost our GC too.

M0nica Sat 15-Jun-19 00:10:09

Some families just drift into non-contact. no reason beyond family members and family relationships not being strong and people not bothering.

Starlady Sat 15-Jun-19 00:50:30

Good point, IMO, Stella!

Bopeep14 Sat 15-Jun-19 10:49:35

I would love to know why my adult son has stopped talking to his family, it would make it easier to understand.
Just to have every message come from our daughter in law is very odd. Is he being a coward to let her do it all or does he not know a lot of what she is doing?
I could get on better with my life if he just told me himself it’s what he wants, it would be a little easier to accept.