Is no contact reoccurring in families

I would love to know why my adult son has stopped talking to his family, it would make it easier to understand.
Just to have every message come from our daughter in law is very odd. Is he being a coward to let her do it all or does he not know a lot of what she is doing?
I could get on better with my life if he just told me himself it’s what he wants, it would be a little easier to accept.

Good point, IMO, Stella!

Some families just drift into non-contact. no reason beyond family members and family relationships not being strong and people not bothering.

Well if they do have good reason why don't they say what it is and if a good reason exists, why do some fabricate reasons?

You say Stella that when your mum married, she didn't see her own for 9 years. Did she have children during those 9 years and if so was you GM prevented from having any contact whatsoever including gifts and cards for Christmas and birthdays?

Sadly those of us whose AC have gone non contact have lost our GC too.

I guess it's easy to say that young people go no contact "without good reason" , but if you asked them , maybe they do have a good reason.

In my mother's day, people removed themselves by marriage or taking a job far away. When she got married she didn't see her own mother for 9 years, because of the distance she'd moved. These days, communication is so easy that it's harder for people to detach themselves from unpleasant family members. Maybe that is contributing to "going no contact ".

Whether a family has a history of estrangement or, it's happening in a family for the first time, an example is being set to the next generation.

For those estranging AC without good reason to cut out their parents, their children are being 'taught' that there's no need for any of the content of your 2nd paragraph to be implemented.

People and relationships are dispensable. Regardless of the years of love and care that have been given, there's no need to talk about an issue, to try and find a resolution, just walk away.

I think estrangement can be handed on in families, I also think it's always happened.

I've wondered about the influence of temperament and the willingness to think about one's own input, to consider turning a blind eye, to not retaliate and to be willing to apologise or be conciliatory despite thinking you are in the right.

Living with other people is rarely easy and I agree with those who think that all the modern means of communication pressurise us into closer relationships than we might have had to deal with in the past.

Yes that's the worry MOnica our ES and his wife have introduced such a culture into their own little family. I hope for our ES's sake that his children don't do the same to him.

If estrangement in families goes down generations it is because families have developed a family culture and manner of communication that generates it and do not learn from their mistakes.

DillytheGardener despite the problems you have with your relationship with your mother, you haven't gone non contact. So the most valuable and important example you are setting you d's.i.l. is that estrangement is not always the only, never mind the best option.

None of us are perfect, we are products of our biology and our upbringing. Learned behaviours can be contrary to how we should and want to be as adults but what a wonderful example you are setting not just your d's.i.l.'s but your sons and GC too.

I hope that your family appreciates their importance to you and all that you are doing to ensure a happy family for you all.

My father, not my mother’s father. Dyslexic, always worse if I didn’t sleep well the night before

I’m on the fence. I think estrangement or no contact has always been there, my mother did not speak to her father. (He ran off and left my mother for another woman when I was a baby, then expected to waltz back into my life when he realised he couldn’t have children with his new woman. My mother encouraged me to have a relationship with him, but even as a seven year old I saw right through him.
I’ve had on and off estrangement with my mother, she was a hard woman, not kind to the girls in my family, but treated my brother like more of husband than her own. (Other family members haves backed this particular point up as my godmother tried to adopt me to get me out of what she viewed as an unhealthy situation)
I always help my mother and have disrupted my own life to provide care for her for months sometimes years, but no contact would be better if I knew someone else would take over caring for her. It’s extremely painful, I wish she was kind, especially as my own mother in law is a very unpleasant and manipulative woman.
I’ve been recently going to counselling as I realised I have been a difficult presence for my own DILS ( couseller said learned behaviours?) so I don’t become the next woman in my family who relatives desire to go no contact with. It’s tough though, realising I have taken on unpleasant elements of these two women. I’m a work in progress, one step forward one step back.

Going mobile phoneless is not an option for the employed or those seeking employment these days.

Overtime at my work is offered via text and the fastest fingers get it. Shift changes show up on the rota app which you are expected to check for updates/changes.

So sorry Annie......may you somehow find the strength to cope with your loss. People sometimes do not know how and what to say in circumstances such as yours. Try to be brave and feel free to offload your sadness on here.

I got rid of my mobile phone simply because I was sick of being called every 10 minutes when I was out.I was never a person who put pictures of my dinner on or selfies or even told all and sundry where I was .I did want to do some things in my life without anyone calling or texting so the phone went

.Thats nearly 3 years ago and I dont miss it at all.If anyone needs/wants to speak to me they call the landline and if I'm out or dont answer they can leave a message .I tell anyone who is aghast at my phoneless state that I managed very well without one until the eighties ( even then it was connected in the car) so I can manage without one now .I did have to get a new passport in a rush and at the Passport office they search your bags ,the security man wouldn't believe me when I said I didn't have /use a mobile and was going to get me searched by a female until my OH stepped in and confirmed my phoneless state .

It seems the pattern of dealing with a situation or person you don't particularly like is to sever contact instead of addressing the issues

Sometimes theres no point if its a recurring pattern, and youve broached similar issues with the person in the past to no avail, when it reoccurs for the umpteenth time its pointless going into it if you know there wont be a resolution.

I had a friend who let me down (badly) repeatedly. Talking about how this affected me in the past just made her defensive and put her "on the attack". End result = hurt all round. Then we would make up she would profess how much the friendship meant to her etc and I would give another (50th) chance because we were close since we were babies.

However after the last time I was ditched for a better offer...I just cut her out. I didnt want to go through the fight-make up-nothing changes cycle with her again.

She tells mutual friends that she has no idea what she's done and its come out of the blue.

True, I didnt try to address the LAST kick in the teeth from her. But only because I know from experience how trying to address things with het goes..

Well I can’t talk about her to anyone, I don’t mean talk about her death ,illness or my grief, just normal fun things . Have accepted it.

Annie I do understand how difficult it is for people but that is because they are thinking of themselves not you. Once I crossed the road to speak to someone whose husband had just died. I hardly knew her but thought it right to say something. She hugged me and cried and said others did the opposite and avoided her. Ever since that I have made a point of contacting anyone who has been bereaved in the hope that a kind word would help.

DS's friends are still sending me messages of support and I am still hearing about all the lovely things he did for them when they needed help. It is such a comfort.

Nonnie my only support came from this forum, I understand people I have known for years not making contact, suicide is difficult for some to cope with. But three sisters !

Luckylegs

"I do wonder how many who have had family cut them out are themselves in the same position with either in laws, parents or siblings. It seems the pattern of dealing with a situation or person you don't particularly like is to sever contact instead of addressing the issues, even if it results in limited visiting, the door is always open."

What a good point you have made. If someone cuts you off and you know they have cut off other members of the family, both birth family and in-laws, it does point to where the fault lies. It also makes you realise there is nothing you can do to mend the situation and that, if you cannot think of anything you did to cause it, you should stop looking for your faults and accept that this is simply a self-obsessed person.

Annie unfortunately there are still people with no empathy who prefer to judge because they feel in some way it makes them look superior. Maybe one day they will realise.

When DS died we had wonderful support from all except 2 people, one a relative I have now cut out of my life and the other someone who should have known better but when they decided they knew the cause of death and I told them twice how wrong they were they didn't apologise so I no longer contact them. There are so many lovely people around we don't need the others. This is not the sort of no contact referred to by the OP, we were not ever close to these people.

Luckylegs, they talked about her stress incontinence and how she hadn’t cleaned her house, her Male cousins were there too. This is why I said ‘sod off out of there’. I did contact one sister by email a week before Christmas, big mistake.

Be selective about who you have in your contact lists and there won't be a problem. We WhatsApp within the family all the time because it is so quick and easy. No one expects others to respond a the time, just when relevant.

I agree with Eglantine the constant barrage of e-mail and all the social media sites can be counter productive. Messages are misunderstood, personal issues aired when they are best kept private etc. People feeling left out if they are not included in a group- the list goes on.
There is a positive side of course in that families can keep in touch when they are separated by distance.

*Grammaretto”, thank you, there is no one now, I just think about her .