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My daughter refuses to see me

(76 Posts)
Chrissiegirl Thu 30-May-19 18:55:02

18 months ago my daughter said she wanted space. After a few weeks of silence she said she wanted nothing to do with me. I later went to see my grandchildren and she ordered me from her home, said the children did not want to see me either. I was heartbroken and became depressed and unwell for some time. I honestly thought I had been a decent mother to her. Also she has cut off her sister. When it was her 40th birthday I sent a card with a short letter asking after them all and asking if I could see the children. I’ve heard nothing. Her partner is very controlling and I believe he has influenced her. How do I give up on her ?(sad)

Grammaretto Thu 30-May-19 19:21:13

I am so sorry to hear this! You are not the only one coping with estrangement, there is a thread devoted to the subject, yards long.
I8 months is a long time. Had you or she a history of sulking or taking offence?
I'm afraid I don't know an easy solution but maybe you could get some counselling to help you to understand and deal with your feelings.

Madgran77 Thu 30-May-19 19:38:30

Chrissiegirl Do go to the "Support for all who are living with estrangement" thread. You can talk to many others who understand and can offer advice

Avor2 Thu 30-May-19 19:51:01

Seems very harsh, have you had a previous misunderstanding? If she has also cut off from her sister it could have been instigated by her husband, is he jealous of her family, perhaps you have been very close beforehand and he felt left out?

How old are your GC? if they are small then it will probably be very difficult to get to see them as she is adamant you can't, if they are older then they may try to contact you off their own bat if you had previously seen them often, they may wonder what the problem is.

Keep the door open by sending cards and/or letters to her and the children on a regular basis, it can't hurt. Has your other daughter got any thoughts as to why this has happened? Don't give up, let her know you are always there for her and her family, anytime. You can only hope that she comes around.

Sadly you are not alone, I know too many people that have cut all ties with their family, life is too short!!! sad Good luck

agnurse Thu 30-May-19 22:10:25

If she has asked not to see you, you need to give her space. I wouldn't suggest sending anything as she may perceive that you aren't honouring her wishes.

While it is possible that her husband is controlling her, it is also possible that she has simply decided she doesn't want to see you for her own reasons.

FlexibleFriend Thu 30-May-19 22:16:30

Give her time and space, nothing else will work.

crazyH Thu 30-May-19 22:22:11

This is so sad ....daughters and mothers have notoriously difficult relationships. My daughter is the sweetest, kindest girl, but I don't go anywhere near her, when she is in a 'mood', brought on by hormone changes.
In your case, I feel there is a 'spanner in the works', so to speak, and you know who I mean.
Keep sending cards etc. What about texting her? I find texts are more effective, when phones are not being answered.
Hope you can work things out xx

Tangerine Thu 30-May-19 22:29:10

What is your other daughter's view?

Is it possible, as other posters have suggested, that your daughter is being controlled and dare not be in contact with you?

I hope the situation gets resolved.

Starlady Fri 31-May-19 09:53:00

Oh, Chrissiegirl, my heart aches for you! So painful to be CO (cut off) from your daughter and the GC as well! I am so sorry!

If the kids are little, though, I wouldn't take too seriously the comment that they "don't want to see you." Chances are, that's just their mum's viewpoint. I doubt they were even asked. If they're a little older, they still are, after all, under their mum's influence. They/you may not know how they really feel till they are adults or, at least, teenagers. Unfortunately, their mum said she "wanted nothing to do with" you, and, often, sadly, that means one doesn't get to see the GC either. Hugs!

It sounds as if, during those first few weeks of silence, your ED (estranged daughter) decided she would rather keep her distance. Or, if her husband is truly controlling, he may have used that time to convince her not to see you at all. Either way, I know it hurts.

I don't mean to worry you, but, IMO, it's a red flag that she also CO her sister. Controlling spouses often try to isolate the other spouse from as many of their side of the family as possible. Sadly, that could be what's happening.

However, do you know if her sis tried to convince her to reconcile w/ you? If she did, that may not have landed well and may be the reason sis was CO, too. Iv often read/heard that this can happen when one family member tries to intercede on behalf of another.

I can see sending your ED one more text or email, just to let her know you still love her and the GC and that the door is always open. After that, hard as it may be, I would back off. As agnurse says, ED may see continued contact as disrespecting her wishes. If so, that may decrease the chances that she'll have a change of heart.

I hope she does have a change of heart though - and sooner rather than later. For now, more hugs!

Starlady Fri 31-May-19 09:55:23

Also, I meant to say I'm so very sorry this situation sent you into a depression, etc. I hope you received treatment and are feeling better now. I'm glad you're reaching out to us here, but I hope you also seek some one-on-one counseling to help you cope w/ this difficult scenario.

ditzyme Fri 31-May-19 10:02:30

Similar situation here with my son and his partner. I believe she is partly, at least 50%, to blame for the fact he wants nothing to do with us and hasn't spoken to us. Nor have we seen his second daughter at all, other than via his Facebook page and if he knew I viewed it he would shut it down as he has before. We saw his eldest daughter last when she was 18 months, she's 11 now. It makes me sad, it makes me angry, that he could have such little respect and love for two people who only did (what they thought was) their best. I have tried to rectify the situation, but in the end you realise it's better for you to stop banging your head against the proverbial brick wall and move on. It takes time, but you get there.

TN Fri 31-May-19 10:21:57

Keep communicating - even if it's one way. Send a PC or something to the GC every week/month to let them know you are thinking about them. Cards on special occasions etc. Her husband may be v controlling - mine was - and limiting her access to her support network, so she needs to know that you are still there for her if/when she needs you. V upsetting for you, but don't not make contact. She may need you more than you know.

Rosina Fri 31-May-19 10:24:26

How sad. I am so sorry to read this, Chrissiegirl - and the other posters who are suffering similarly. It is one thing if adults fall out, but why the horrible cruelty of preventing grandparents from seeing the children? They suffer too - the relationship is so precious for both sides. There is good advice here so I won't add anything other than my sincere sympathy, and the hope that it works out eventually. Sometimes a crisis brings people to their senses and makes them see how short life is and how pointless these grudges and silences are.

Newatthis Fri 31-May-19 10:33:54

This is very typical of someone who is in a controlling relationship - isolate the partner from family (first) then friends) - deplete any self esteem she might have. I really sympathise with you. It is not her fault - she is probably too emotionally weak to stand up to him. Try to maintain the relationship through whatever means you can - either through secret meetings with her of through her sister. This is very important - inwardly she is crying out for help although it doesn't seem that way.

BradfordLass72 Fri 31-May-19 10:35:08

The main thing to hold in your heart and mind is it's HER not you.

So many of us who go through this, examine our past actions endlessly looking for things we may have done 'wrong'.

But as we learn more and more about this peculiar psychological aberration, we discover that it is, in most cases, all in the mind of the adult child who has chosen to cut us off.

So please, stop looking for reasons why you may be at fault because if you are like the dozens of other parents who post here on the Estrangement thread, you have done the very best you can.

None of us is perfect but as I have often said, if we have always been the monsters they now think/say we are, why did they not pull away from us years ago?

There is little you can do; our children are rarely persuaded to changes their minds, especially if there's a manipulative person in the picture.

Do join the Estrangement thread and read some of the stories; you will, at the very least, realise you are not alone flowers

moonbeames Fri 31-May-19 10:36:18

That is so sad. Similar situation here. We just backed off and abided her wishes, they did split up, we just kept sending cards for Birthdays, Easter, Christmas etc. then eventually our daughter in law came around and now we see our grandchild on a fairly regular basis. We don't see our son. Very difficult to say the least, it took time but we moved on eventually and got on with our lives. Good luck to you.

Stella14 Fri 31-May-19 10:37:14

Sorry to read about your distress. There are so many of us. Cutting off parents is a fairy common action for millennials. It will be 11-years in August since I had any contact from my son (and it’s all him, not his wife). Like you, I was very depressed about it at first. Every birthday, Christmas and Mother’s Day was very painful and full of tears, but I have learned to detach. You ask how to “give up on her”. For your own piece of mind, you do need to do that. You have no control over whether or not she comes back. I would read all you can about detachment and mindfulness. flowers

GoldenAge Fri 31-May-19 10:42:11

Chrissiegirl - if your daughter has distanced herself from you and her sister then the problem lies with her and it’s almost certain that her controlling husband has been dropping poison into some imagined conspiracy between yourself and your other daughter - maybe there are perceptions that you favour one daughter over another - sibling jealousy is often the cause of parental estrangement and the partner is often the person who blows this up into all proportion for reasons of their own - to exert more control and extract more fidelity because they feel insecure and can’t cope with their partner having a supportive family network to which they are attached - discuss this with your other daughter and explore the possibility that there may be some perceived injustice having been done to the other one - good luck

hopeful1 Fri 31-May-19 10:57:07

Chrissiegirl I am in the exact same position, no contact with grandchildren either. I have kept the last few blistering emails which have given me surprising strength. Every time I feel low and want to contact her I read these.... they are a good reminder of the terrible things she has said. I have concluded that as life is very short I will not become cut off and depressed... I go out every day and make a happy life for myself. She knows the door is open to her and despite everything I love her dearly, but she will have to make the first move. Sounds harsh but I cannot have the door slammed in my face again or cry anymore. Good luck.

maxdecatt Fri 31-May-19 11:15:26

You know what they say, "Where there is a will there are relations". Let it be known that you are writing your will and thinking of leaving everything to the cat and dog home. That should bring her round in no time at all. Then write a will that has a specific provision for your daughter that will only bequeath anything to her if she has maintained sincere, regular and friendly contact with you in the year preceding your death. Keep a writen record of such contact and leave a copy of that with your estate papers. Include your assessment of the contact quality and her sincerity. If she has not behaved and cannot prove otherwise then the cats and dogs get the lot. The RSPCA are very hot on securing their share of a will and they will contest in court any claims by your daughter....thus publicly exposing her treatment of you. Your written assessment will be a powerful argument if it goes to court.

Minshy Fri 31-May-19 11:27:54

You have been given very good advice here from people who are in the same situation.
I have a 6 week old grandson that my daughter has said I’ll never be able to meet. This is after a divorce from her father several years ago. I havnt seen her for over 5 years nor did I go to her wedding. Ironically it was my ex husband who was the most hurt by this.. and now the baby.. he has even asked if I can see the baby to no avail. I’m not blaming her husband.. he’s a nice person. She decided she hated me and that was that.
I too hold it at arms length and cannot afford to let it destroy me. She will have to explain to this innocent child why he has cousins that know their grandmother and he doesn’t.
You are not alone. This is more common that you think.
Heartbreaking yes!
End of your life? NO!

Sussemac Fri 31-May-19 11:31:41

I do sympathise with you , as I am going through a very similar situation with my daughter , although it’s not been going on for as long as your situation, mine has come about by looking after grandsons & the last time I looked after them which was for 5 days the you youngest was just awful on the last two nights & kicked off , didn’t want to go to bed etc, sounds not that bad I know but it was extremely upsetting for me & went on for hours , I tried everything but nothing worked & then I lost it & really shouted at him , also ended up me crying & upset, when my daughter & son in law got back home , I was very honest with them & obviously knew they didn’t like it. I also suffer with depression & the whole thing bought on a very low period for me , which I’m still not completely over, she hasn’t phoned me to see how I am , I have contacted her a few times & said we need to talk & hopefully move on, I have helped my daughter so much with childcare & have hardly ever said no to her ,even when I haven’t really felt up to it, ti love my grandsons dearly but they are full on , & can be naughty , but have never experienced anything like this before , like you I feel hurts & down about it all.
Also I have a disabled husband now , he has a stroke 4 years ago, I thought my daughter would be a bit more understanding.
I do hope you get your situation sorted & wish you well

March Fri 31-May-19 11:43:33

1 of 2 things.

Her husband is controlling and is trying to separate her from her family.

Or, something has happened as to why she wants space.

She's asked for space so that's what I'd do. It's easy to blame someone else for the break down of a relationship but if there's been an argument or it's not been plain sailing then that's why.

Minerva Fri 31-May-19 11:52:53

It is heartbreakingly sad that so many of you are suffering in this way and my heart goes out to you but Maxdecatt that sounds like revenge.

When one of my teenage children went ‘off the rails’ following a traumatic happening my mother immediately wrote her out of her will and a friend said I should take out an injunction to keep her and her nasty boyfriend away from the house. I was shocked and angry that the solution to a very sad situation could be cutting off my daughter from those who truly loved her.

It took years but she came home.

Chrissiegirl I doubt very much that what you really want is to cut off your daughter as she has done to you. She may be under pressure, brainwashed, confused, afraid of antagonising her partner. Even if she never sees the reality of the situation your grandchildren need to know that you love them and I would continue to send cards for birthdays and Christmas even if you suspect they will be thrown away.

Then watch from afar and wait but don’t give up hope.

Guineagirl Fri 31-May-19 11:54:24

I read so many threads on this and it’s so sad. My daughter is dating at the moment and worry sick about this situation. We like to think they are strong not to fall for this controlling behaviour but the behaviour can be very convincing to the person being controlled, I wouldn’t give up I would make sure she knows you are there and always will be whatever time of day as hopefully she will see this given time.