How do I forget they exist?

Phew! - that was a long one, and I am not entirely sure that I have grasped he situation properly.

However, I can see that people close to you are telling you to back off; and that sounds like good advice.

I have never contacted a DD and asked to have the GC for my own satisfaction. They contact me and ask if I can help with child care; or I get wind that they need a sitter and offer my services. But they know I am doing it basically for THEM and not for me. Of course I love having them, but the prime purpose is to help them out. They never come solely for my benefit; or because I have demanded this.

Just a thought.

A very difficult and upsetting situation for you JEMz and sadly, yet another example of an adult child making a mountain out of a mole hill, almost as if they were looking for an excuse to reduce contact.

It's perfectly acceptable and reasonable when going to the expense of buying toys to keep your GC entertained at your's and your parents house, that they stay there in readiness for his next visit.

I do agree that it would be best if you were to back off, but before doing so perhaps you could contact your D yourself, and ask her to let you know when you'll be seeing your GS again, then leave it at that.

Luckygirl there is nothing in the OP to suggest that she wants to see her GC for her "own satisfaction", or she demands to see him, so I'm surprised at your post, but as you say, you're not entirely sure you "grasped the situation properly".

That said, why is it wrong for a loving GM to want to see her GC when the time spent together is mutually beneficial to her and her GC? I'm sure there are many GP's who apart from being able to have their GC when they are needed, like to spend time with their GC for the sheer joy of doing so.

As to the Lego situation. My grandchildren have Lego and a glow in the dark track with little cars at my house. They know that they cannot take them home. They are to play with when they come here. We had special toys at my own Granny's house when my sisters and I were children.
I really don't know what to say about the situation that has arisen in the relationship with your daughter. I'm afraid you'll just have to wait, be patient, and hope that she sees what she is doing in alienating you.

Thank you but I’m confused by your response. The main point is I love my grandson & miss him dearly.

I’m am trying hard to ‘back off’ but am finding it very painful. I have literally spent this whole weekend depressed.

I am confused as to why my daughter treats me this way. I’m also ashamed & sad that I have to pretend that my life is better than it is after all those years of effort & dedication.

I do not feel I am trying to see my grandson for my ‘own satisfaction’. I love him & enjoy spending time with him.

I haven’t had any contact with them since Easter Sunday. They do not contact me anymore. My daughter has support from friends & her partners family so therefore she does not need me for babysitting.

Thank you Smileless2012. My response above was for Luckygirl.

I’m new to this, I have never shared this openly, especially online but am so broken right now.

I’m sure everyone around me is sick of this situation & so am I I just feel fed up. So I was sad that I received such a response suggesting I was only seeing him for my own satisfaction.

Your words have brought comfort. I have received a response from the dad saying it’s ok with him but he needs to check that he doesn’t have any plans, which I assume meets he needs to check with my daughter. So the wait continues.

Thank you MiniMoon my daughter even had toys at my parents house. Hopefully she will see sense one day.

I have sent you a PM.

I can uderstand you missing your DGS and feel for you,but have you re-read the last 10 lines of your post ? there are 18 references to I which I am sorry to say makes you come across as needy imo,the fact that you have now said your DD is pregnant puts another slant on her feeling she will be hormonal to say the least and probably can't cope with the constant pressure from the people you are getting to ring her up and make arrangements on your behalf.
Leave things alone for the time being and just let your DD know you are there when she needs you.

A couple of point struck me
1) your partner needs to allow you to express your upset at home, it’s not reasonable that he is putting you in a position of bottling things up, maybe it is stressful for him but he should be supporting you not trying to shut it down.
2) The toys at your and your parents house scenario I think was unfortunately badly handled by you. The better approach would have been to explain to your DD BEFORE you went to the shop what you had in mind, and asked her if she thought this would be a good idea. I say this because Lego kits are quite expensive and maybe your daughter (who you say is only in her early 20’s) can’t easily afford them. You might have unintentionally made her feel a bit inadequate; you also stated that she sent her son over in dirty small/old clothes, maybe she has been struggling and is too embarrassed to say so?
My youngest DD was a young parent too and displayed much of the same resentful teenage style tantrums that you have discussed with regard to your DD. she did grow out of it in the end and we get on much better these days.
You state that your DD is disrespectful and rude, I wonder if she is feeling insecure,especially if you also were a young parent but somehow managed to find the resources to spoil her.
it’s a pity that counselling for you both hasn’t worked,but maybe if she agrees try it again? I don’t feel somehow that the two issues you raised are really the reason for your poor relationship.

Thank you for your comment glammanana I probably am coming across ‘needy’ but I have shared my honest feelings, which I am now regretting.

My daughter is a nightmare & has been before she was pregnant as mentioned throughout my post.

Not sure if you read I did not ask my mum to ask on my behalf yesterday, I actually mentioned that I was unsure why she did this as I had told her I was planning on calling the dad & only told her for reassurance or to give her the heads up really.

I asked my partner & then my mum, only because of her response to him a few weeks ago. This was out of desperation & because I am no longer able to communicate with my daughter myself.

It’s easy for people to say leave it for now but my post is actually titled how do I forget they exist? I have tried to leave it but it’s been unbearable.

I’m hoping I won’t receive a response from the dad & I can just get back to trying to forget they exist.

Thank you Jenpax, I know my partner doesn’t mean too but I think it’s a dysfunctional situation he doesn’t know how to handle & doesn’t like my daughter being rude & disrespectful to me. He offers support but really does believe I should step back rather keep putting myself in a position to get hurt.

I did actually speak to my daughter before I went to the shop, I told her when I collected him. I also called her whilst we were playing & asked if he had a spare shelf to place the airplane we’d made. So actually if he did have a spare shelf he would’ve been bringing the airplane home.

My daughters partner works. I did not have support from my daughters dad but we got by. I made my daughter a priority whereas she recently bought a 2014 plate Audi & her partner bought a Mercedes.

I offer support & see when this could be improved like his bed which I was surprised had an extremely uncomfortable mattress & second hand sheets when I put him to bed one night. So I asked if they'd like me to help purchase a new one & bed set which I did. I never received a call to tell me the items had arrived or even to say thank you.

I believe my daughter was taking advantage as rather than asking she was expecting me to replace his clothes. Unfortunately the times I had replaced them I never saw them again. It took a couple of visits to see that this could be what was happening.

Sounds like you’re really going through it. It must be heartbreaking not to see grandson

Re the Lego, we have a playroom full of toys acquired over six grandchildren, and things are constantly being taken home, and other things brought back, surely best for him to take it home if he loves it, and bring it back on his next visit

I agree with backing off for abit.

This has been building up for years, it doesn't sound like you've got a great relationship with her and your DD has obviously had problems in her past and childhood.

I don't think there's a quick fix and sorry to say, I can see blame on both sides.

If I was in your shoes, I'd have counselling with My daughter and listen to what she has to say, really listen. I'd try and fix the relationship I have with her before anything else.

I'd leave it for a while, she's pregnant and won't need to stress at the moment.
I was heavily pregnant when my Mother in law started picking fights with my husband, it didn't do her any favours.

I know this isn't what you want to hear but I'm just giving my honest opinion. Your feelings are very much valid but so are your daughters and I can't help but imagine she is hurting also.

I think you have done very well today to write this down. Please be aware that you could get pretty much any kind of response on here as everybody has their own take on a situation.

Please be prepared to find and pay for a decent, registered therapist.
Take a step back, try to enjoy small things with your partner.

Thank you Sara65 I had already bought him Lego for his house sometime ago & had made a deal with him that he’d get a new box, for his house, if he’s a good boy at school that week. I even let him pick it out. I explained this to my daughter that day.

Not sure if you missed my me saying things don’t come back. I buy things & never see them again.

No it's not unreasonable for you to buy and keep toys and clothes at your house for when he visits. Although I would generally buy an additional toy and t shirt etc for them to take home with them but they main bit would stay at mine. Your Daughter is being unreasonable but take a step back, give them time and don't keep contacting them. You don't need to pretend they don't exist leave it a couple of weeks or so and see what happens.You don't have to lie and pretend you have a wonderful relationship, blimey that's somewhat OTT to do you have children, they're not asking for your life story so don't give it. A simple yes or no will do.

Sorry Jem, I must have missed that
Well I suppose Lego is the very least is your worries, I just thought he may have been less upset with you if he could have taken it home

I had my eldest Child at nineteen, and I’m sure, looking back, that I made a lot of mistakes, it was very hard

You sound like you made a really good job of it, so don’t blame yourself for the situation, like others have said, take a step back for a while, and see what happens, awful not to see the little boy, but it’s not good for him to see you all rowing anyway

If you think it's unbearable now just think how you'll feel if you daughter goes permanently No contact which is what you're risking by refusing to back off.

Thank you March my daughter & I attended counselling before which I funded. I had to listen carefully because I was desperate to know what I’d done wrong that’s when she explained she felt neglected because I worked full time essentially saying I put my career before her which I didn’t I just worked hard & didn’t want to be a stereotypical young mum so she went to after school clubs & holiday clubs. She only went to a family childminder for s short time but this was her fabricated past that she was describing. Also that she was lonely as a single child & saw I had decent male friends I could have just just had children with rather than leaving her alone. I tried to explain that life does not work like that & some of these friends were more like family so I did not see them as people to be having children with, for her.

I appreciate your opinion but can not see how my daughters feeling are valid. If she felt anything or was upset she could’ve have approached the situation respectfully & discussed her issues rather than upsetting my parents & I on Easter Sunday.

I’m not trying to upset her whilst she pregnant I’ve just asked to see my grandson. Something most pregnant women would welcome. She doesn’t have to do anything. I come him & bring him home. She doesn’t even have to pack a bag anymore.

All she needs to do is be respectful like I taught her to be.

Thank you again Elvive, I recently contacted a private counsellor I saw for a short time before. She’s fully booked at the moment but said hopefully she’ll have a free slot next month.

My grandson’s dad has advised that he can spend the weekend, not next but the following. I will spend that time with him & then leave it again.

I have a lot of good things going on I must embrace & enjoy them more.

Flexiblefriend I didn’t once say I was refusing to back off. In fact, as I mentioned before, my subject title is how do I forget they exist because I was contemplating backing off for good.

I also mentioned a few times today that I was hoping I don’t get a yes & can just try & leave the situation cos it’s an ongoing battle, which I am tired of.

I think contacting a couple of weeks ago since Easter & again yesterday myself, as she requested, is amble time backed off. It is permanently no contact unless I ask, not sure you got that.

Also missed, I used to buy clothes & send them with him, he only had over night things here but I never got them back so broke the problem & pattern by buying things for him to keep here, essentially preventing another discussion received with huffs & tuts!

Also I was asked the question being a new member of a team full of woman, which was shortly followed by assumptions & further questions. It’s not as if I told a whole lie I just answered happily & positively about them the complete opposite to how I truly feel. I also look young so people find it quite fascinating that I’m a grandmother & always say you & your daughter must look like sisters. I laugh but really know it’s not quite the mother daughter relationship that they picture.

I am so sorry that you are hurting.
It sounds to me as though you can't win.
For whatever reasons she has I think your daughter is enjoying hurting you.
She didn't have the perfect childhood, well boo hoo so many of us didn't have a perfect childhood.
You did what you needed to do and you did your best I am sure.

I think your DD is still stuck in her teenage rebellion phase and needs to doing more growing up to understand how hurtful she is being. Also she is not acting in the best interest of her son.
Does she even consider the harm she is doing to him by keeping him from you?

I hope things improve soon. Perhaps the new baby will help her to grow up some more.
I wish you only good things.

I m just wondering ( and I might be far off the mark if your daughter is a weeny bit jealous of the amount of time you spend with your grandson and the fun you have together if she rightly or wrongly feels she was lonely for you in childhood Jealousy can often have no real basis
That’s not a criticism of you at all we all do what we can at the time I brought three up alone and often look back and think why did I do it that way, that wasn’t the best thing to do, why didn’t I .....?
How about asking your daughter and grandson out for a meal or coffee and cake and treat her as well as him ....just a thought
Good luck xx

JEMz when my DGcs where small and I did the childminding I always popped into Banardo's and added some bits to their toy box so they had different toys to look forward to when they came I have continued to do this with my 2 x GGcs they like the change of toys from those they have at home and at their nanna's house.