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What will happen if I do make contact?

(52 Posts)
Purpletinofpaint Tue 11-Jun-19 19:31:42

After more than a decade estrangement? I am the estranger I should say, not the estrangee. What would you say if you received contact from your adult child?

CanadianGran Tue 11-Jun-19 19:37:30

Wow, it really depends on the reason for the estrangement, and where people are in their lives at the moment.

My mum and I didn't really communicate in my early 20's. She didn't like some of my choices and I didn't like her criticism. But it wasn't an all out cut off of each other. We slowly came to polite communication, and eventually grew out of the situation.

If you are reaching out with an apology for some past wrong, then it may take some time for it to be accepted. If the reason for the estrangement was built up disagreements, then perhaps a gentle communication with no expected outcome can be sent, and hopefully they will respond in kind.

TwoSlicesOfCake Tue 11-Jun-19 19:42:59

Do you want them in your life?

Purpletinofpaint Tue 11-Jun-19 19:45:39

No apology. She walked out when I was a child & left me with a paedophile.. I've had an enormous amount of therapy.

sodapop Tue 11-Jun-19 20:40:50

Maybe you should talk to her find out her take on what happened. Then make an informed decision about the future.
I'm sorry to hear things have been so difficult for you.

Purpletinofpaint Tue 11-Jun-19 20:46:04

Several therapists have told me on no account to get in touch again, that it will be impossible to have a healthy relationship with her.

Elvive Tue 11-Jun-19 21:17:19

Well there's your answer.

janeainsworth Tue 11-Jun-19 21:43:12

I notice you simply ask what would happen if you contacted the person who abandoned you as a child.
I’m sorry, but none of us on this forum can possibly answer that question, and guessing the answer would be less than helpful.

Missfoodlove Tue 11-Jun-19 22:58:35

Perhaps you need to question your motives?
I would want to punish my mother in such circumstances but in reality it would probably cause more grief to both parties.
I think you should take your counsellors advice.

BradfordLass72 Wed 12-Jun-19 02:57:51

In answer to the original post: I would be over the moon. I long to hear from my elder son again.

rosecarmel Wed 12-Jun-19 04:22:28

There is no way to know what would happen if you made contact and more importantly no way to know how you would respond if you were successful at making contact-

You indicated that you are the estranger- I'm wondering how that could be if she was the one who walked out and left you-

Do you keep in touch with anyone who has kept in touch with her?

Purpletinofpaint Wed 12-Jun-19 06:23:06

In answer to the above, we had a brief period of being together when I was a young adult. I don't know anyone else who has contact with her.

BlueBelle Wed 12-Jun-19 06:31:24

Therapists aren’t gods and shouldn’t be telling you what or what not to do, the decision can only come from you They should never advice you one way or the other but go over the pros and cons to help you make the decision They should never coerce or guide you into an answer

Do you want to meet your mum to ask her why? This would be natural Do you want to punish her, probably also natural
Do you have questions only she can answer This is a delicate subject and you may not want to go into any more details but no one here can really know except you

I would write out a pros and cons list thinking through it all carefully and being aware of opening up old wounds and feelings that if you ve had years of therapy, will be partly hidden
I believe people can have too much therapy
You need to answer only one question

Why am I asking this, what can I achieve what can I lose ?
Good luck

Smileless2012 Wed 12-Jun-19 08:58:07

To answer your question without referring directly to your own circumstances Purpletinofpaint, but in relation to my own, I would not welcome contact from our ES.

His estrangement from us involved terrible lies in order to try and justify his actions and TBH it was the lies that caused the most distress, as was his determination to come between us and this brother which thankfully failed.

In your case I suppose it depends on what you hope to achieve by contacting your mum. On whether or not you already have some factual information as to why she left and if there were any mitigating circumstances; for example did she know the man she left you with was a paedophile.

The only advice I can offer if you do want to make contact is to do so initially in writing, telling her honestly why you want to see her. Give her your contact details and then, if she doesn't respond, move on with your life.

This may be easier for you to do if your mother doesn't respond; easier but never easy.

I wish you wellflowers

Purpletinofpaint Wed 12-Jun-19 15:35:12

My reason for contact would not be to punish but simply to say what my experience of her parenting was - the consequences for me. I already know why she left, she was unhappy in her marriage and didn't bond with us children, she was happy to hand the responsibility over to someone else.

mumofmadboys Wed 12-Jun-19 15:53:51

Perhaps you need to be prepared to forgive her her failings. Only if you can do this can a future relationship be possible. There are always two sides to every story. What has happened has happened. You need to be prepared to move forward without looking back. Difficult I know. Wish you well.

TwoSlicesOfCake Wed 12-Jun-19 15:58:21

Hugs to you. Given the information you’ve provided you’re not looking for a relationship, you want what sounds like closure.
I’m sorry to say you’re not likely to get it.
The abuse you were subjected to as a result of her leaving cannot be undone. All the apologies in the world won’t take it back.
Just continue on with your life. Opening this can of worms is just taking a huge step back.
Listen to your therapists advice. They know you and your experience. They have experience with people like your mother. Trust their guidance and disregard her reaching out.

M0nica Wed 12-Jun-19 16:02:50

But did she know she was leaving you in the hands of a paedophile?

How are you expecting your mother to act when you tell her what happened after she left? Are you hoping/expecting tears of remorse and apologies? What happens if she just gives a shrug and says she couldn't know this would happen, so do not blame her, or possibly she just gets up and walks out.

I think you are enjoying the thought of playing with fire, of tempting providence. I think you need more therapy, to discuss why you seem to want to be a moth around a flame. Sooner or later the moth is consumed by the flame and if you continue to pursue the thought of making contact, you will find yourself fighting demons that you thought you had laid to rest and being consumed by the flame. Is this what you really want?

knickas63 Wed 12-Jun-19 16:56:45

The Crux of the situation is - did she know she was leaving you with a paedophile? That makes an awful lot of difference.

Peonyrose Wed 12-Jun-19 17:01:22

Despite advice to the contrary you obviously want to see your mother. It will stir everything up and there cannot be a happy outcome. It is a shame that after therapy and all the years that have passed you haven't been able to make a life for yourself without her in it. After a decade apart,never in a previously happy relationship, things can never end happily, so much hurt and bitterness cannot undo the hurt. People don't change.

crazyH Wed 12-Jun-19 17:02:51

Purple flowers

Purpletinofpaint Wed 12-Jun-19 22:13:48

Well I never thought the estranged grans of gransnet would tell me not to bother! I thought you'd all be saying do it. For privacy I've had to leave a lot of detail out. I always loved my mum but I didn't like her. She was very self-centred. Like when I was in early labour. I begged her to stay & not go home so she could be there for the birth, but no, she went. I phoned her when she was halfway down the motorway & told her I was on my way to hospital but she didn't turn around & come back. What sort of mum does that?

Smileless2012 Wed 12-Jun-19 23:20:02

Sorry Purpletinofpaint but I'm finding this rather confusing. You've gone from sharing a truly terrible experience of your mother leaving you when you were a child, and if that wasn't bad enough you were left with a paedophile, to questioning in your last post, what "sort of mum" doesn't stay with her own D, when she's asked to be present at the birth of her GC.

This coupled with a post you made on another thread, doesn't make any sense.

Joyfulnanna Wed 12-Jun-19 23:33:46

I couldn't do it in your situation. Sorry. I agree with fellow poster who said your probably seeking closure anf I don't blame you for that but tread carefully, you don't want to move backwards in your recovery. You sound like a lovely person.

notanan2 Wed 12-Jun-19 23:57:04

What do you want from contact? What are your hopes?

She has never been your support system in the past so it is unlikely she will be that for you in the future. If you go looking for her to meet your needs you will probably end up hurt and disappointed again. She is who she is.

However if you are in a good place emotionally and mentally. And if you dont need anything from her, and just want to see her, it might work.

The tone of your posts suggest the former though, in which case, it's not the right time flowers