What will happen if I do make contact?

Cruel, unloving, cold as ice women are just as capable of getting pregnant as any women are.
Accept that bad people have children.
Your parents are not fit to be Mother and Father.
Don't contact her. Her rage will still be there.

You are grieving for what you never had.
And now, as an adult, you are heartbroken on behalf of that little girl.

Please stay away. The relationship is toxic.

You have been hurt so much already. You will never get closure but you will, in time, learn to accept it because it wasn’t you to blame.
x

I think you should stay away, she would just continue to cause you pain and she certainly won't give you what you need

Thanks for answering my questions, Purple. I know it must not be easy to talk about this. Now we know, though, why your mum disappeared when you were having your own baby. As notanan says, you are asking her to give what she is not capable of giving. If you can't accept a superficial relationship with her, then, IMO, you should let it go.

Sorry to hear that you had a sibling who was hurt by your mum's leaving too.

Hope the foster experience was positive.

Only you can make that decision. A lot depends on what damage was done to you mentally over the years. I'm sorry but I wouldnt want any contact, but that is me. Take care. x

Some women just dont have it in them to give.

Which should be okay, except when those women get told to do it anyway, and get told that they will change how they feel once the baby arrives.

I feel sympathy for you both.
Women who find themselves pregnant with babies they didnt yearn for are told "the love will come, your doubts will melt away when that baby is in your arms" but its a lie. The love doesn't always come. And you cant MAKE yourself love someone no matter how much society tells you you should.

If she was the father, society would blame her less harshly for not being maternal (/paternal). And perhaps your expectations would also be dulled if she was an absent father Vs an absent mother.

It is not your fault OP. There is nothing unlovable about you, she wasnt able to love any baby at that time.

It is also more common than you think. I know 2 mums who have confided that they were talked into having their babies, but they wish they hadnt. They have managed to care for their children in those cases but they never learnt to love being a mother and are wishing away their kids childhoods so that they can "have their lives back" And those are just the ones that confided in me.

You are asking her for something she can't give OP. She has told you and shown your this. You cant keep asking someone to be sonething they are not and not get a bad reaction for them.

I am deeply sorry that you did not get the kind if parents and upbringing that every child deserves. But she cant be that person for you, seek what you need elsewhere. She is a square peg and you are wanting to fit her through a round hole.

My mum said she had no idea he'd behave like that. But she never checked to see I was ok. I was in her bed the morning after she left. My father was very bonded to me from birth & she was happy for this as it took the pressure off her. My mum didn't want to be pregnant with me, however she continued the pregnancy in order that I would be the loving baby & repair the pain of her own lack of love from her own mother. It didn't work out like that though because babies are highly needy & she was at the end of her tether with the responsibility. When I was in my early 20s I told her all I ever wanted was to love & be loved. She went mental. Her rage was so severe. From that point on I never asked for anything & kept my distance - although we did have contact. I have a sibling & they were 4 when she left. They have no contact with her either & never will, they're too damaged by the experience. I ended up being fostered.

I couldn't do a written correspondence beyond an opening letter because I'd need to see her face as she talks. And I'm not sure I could do a just 'fun' trivial relationship because that feels insincere.

Purple, you still haven't answered as to whether or not your mum knew she was leaving you w/ a paedophile. And I'll add, if not, did you tell her when you spent time together later on? And, if so, how did she react?

" 'My earliest memories are of feeling crushed, devalued & unimportant'. There is no blame (there)."

Oh, honey, as notanan said, yes there is. I'm sorry, but no matter how you describe the pain of your childhood, I imagine she is going to take it as an accusation. What else could it be? She either caused or facilitated a lot of what hurt you as a child. She may feel guilty about it now on some level, but chances are the guilt is too heavy a burden for her to bear. Maybe not. Just a thought...

"If she's not able to hear my experience then there really is no-one there to connect with. However, if she now can, then there is the potential to begin to slowly grow something new."

Again, you can find this out through letter-writing or even email. As others have said, it's very moving that you'd like to begin to "grow something new." I fear, though, that you may be holding onto some childhood fantasy of your mum being the kind of mother who is always there for you, ready to provide comfort and emotional support. And I'm so deeply sorry, but I just don't think she has it in her. Not her fault perhaps - she can't help how she is, I suppose. I just don't want to see you get disappointed and hurt again.

If you would simply like her back in your life, you may have to accept that it will have to be on a superficial level, just having fun together, etc. Please don't expect more than that.

And please let us know what you decide.

I was also moved when I read "then there is the potential to slowly grow something new" - but sadly I doubt that something new will come of it.
She had a chance when you were in labour and if she was unable for whatever reason to help at that point, I think the relationship is unlikely to improve. I do not honestly understand where your optimism comes from - but I do understand that you are driven to see her and speak about your childhood.

If you are determined to give the relationship another go I definitely definitely wouldn't start with pouring out your thoughts about her mothering. I'd gently tease out a relationship through many months on only safe territory before I would venture into the dark waters of your early years.

Good luck with whatever you do - but please be extremely cautious as you must not harm yourself by undoing the recovery work that is already underway. Value the progress you have already made. Many of us here on Gransnet wish you well.

notanan and seacliff are right, you need to send your mother a letter explaining why you want to meet and what you hope to gain from the experience.

She may well have spent years reflecting on and possibly regretting the decision she made all those years ago. I understand your need for her to hear about your experience but are you prepared to reciprocate and hear her's?

I was moved when I read "then there is the potential to slowly grow something new" but the keys here are to listen to one another and make your mum aware of how you feel about the past before she makes the decision whether or not this is something she can deal with.

If you don't hear from her try and bare in mind that it might be that she simply can't face up to what happened and her refusal isn't because she doesn't love you.

I think you are still (understandably) struggling to come to terms with the fact that she could do these things. Your mother is not the person you needed or wanted when you were a child. Quite simply she left you and focussed on saving herself from the marriage - not protecting you. This is shocking and sad. It sounds as though she may be a weak person who chooses the path that is easiest for her.

Given that it sounds as though she has continued to let you down in adulthood, I don't think that making contact is going to bring any resolution or satisfaction.

From your posts you sound very alone and struggling with the fact that you have no family contacts. Sadly it sounds like you mother will just let you down over and over again. Perhaps the best thing to do is to focus on building a chosen "family" of friends who can offer true support.

These arent the plans of someone who is working towards moving on OP, what you plan to do is just picking a scab.

I'm not saying never meet. I'm just saying that what you are planning sounds mutually hurtful/destructive & unhealthy. All of the outcomes I can imagine are bad for you both.

This is emotional self harm OP

If I were told by my child that "my earliest memories are of feeling crushed, devalued & unimportant" I would be devastated and shocked, terribly upset. Not excusing her, but there are 2 sides to this, and she may have some good reasons for what she did.

When you have told her this, what are you honestly hoping she will do/say? What do you want from her that will help you now?

If you really need to do this, send a letter saying how you felt as a child. Not face to face. Explain what you now want from her if she would be willing - apology? love? explanation? - in order for you to move on and have a happy life If she can give it, as a mother, maybe she will.

Less a case of 'You hurt me, you were horrible' but 'My earliest memories are of feeling crushed, devalued & unimportant'. There is no blame in the 2nd sentence.
There is MORE blame in the second sentance than the first.

What do you think/hope will change for you if you meet and tell her this?

I dont think anyone would meet to just be a silent audience though.

Even if she is genuinely repentant you would be putting her on the spot in a way that is basically forcing her to react badly, but maybe thats what you want? Proof that she is not worth caring for? And you are orchestrating a self fulfilling prophecy situation?

I am NOT defending her I am just not seeing any way that this scenario can go well. You are putting her on the spot, on the defensive. I imagine she will either react emotively, defensively or numbly or walk out. You dont see the best of people when you put them on the spot.

If you hope for ANY chance of a positive response, write these things to her, give her a chance to digest them, THEN meet.

The fact that you feel you need to do this in order to what? Move on? Feel validated? Suggests to that you may not yet be secure in yourself enough to meet without it becoming a mutually destructive event.

She doesn't know how her lack of bonding impacted me. It would be enough for me just to state my experience. Less a case of 'You hurt me, you were horrible' but 'My earliest memories are of feeling crushed, devalued & unimportant'. There is no blame in the 2nd sentence.

If she's not able to hear my experience then there really is no-one there to connect with. However, if she now can, then there is the potential to begin to slowly grow something new.

No, not at all notanan it's you who appears to be disagreeing with me. Whether or not that's because we've disagreed on another thread, only you can say.

I haven't suggested that the OP isn't at risk of not being heard. In your second post you said the OP's mother may not verify the OP's experiences and memories. My post clearly states that the OP's mother wouldn't be able to deny leaving her as a child, but their versions as to why that came about may differ.

That doesnt mean that she would validate the OPs memories of how it happened, how it affected her, or the OPs memories of the times she DID share with the OP.

Are you seriously suggesting that the OP isnt at risk of not being heard and validated in the way she hopes for? Or are you just disagreeing because we disagreed on every other thread we have both posted on and sod the OP?

The OP's mother would be hard pressed to deny that she left her D as a small child when that's what she did.

A child whose mother leaves them is not giving a version of their childhood, they're stating what actually happened. The AC's and mother's version as to why this came about may differ but not that the mother wasn't there to raise her child.

Have a look on the estranged thread, there arent that many posters (if any) who agree that their ECs versions of their childhoods happen.

People can experience the same events very differently. There are witness studies that show how common this is. She may not verify your e periences and memories

It may well open a whole new can of worms for you - what would you do if she wasn’t interested, didn’t care, was too self-focused to even acknowledge your feelings?

She may also claim you are lying, deny that your memories exist, or re-write a skewed version of them.

I feel that if you were strong and secure enough to deal with the above, then you wouldnt be feeling the need to have her "hear" your version anyway.

Hello,
You say you want to contact her, “not be to punish but simply to say what my experience of her parenting was”.
This sounds like an opportunity for you to in effect tell your mother “how it is”.
I’m sorry, but I can’t see how this can go well. You know how you feel about her parenting - and she can’t really have any reason to want to find out. What’s in it for her?
From your point of view it may be that it sounds like a good idea to get this off your chest, but personally I think you have been doing this with therapy.
It may well open a whole new can of worms for you - what would you do if she wasn’t interested, didn’t care, was too self-focused to even acknowledge your feelings?
I feel this is not a win situation for you. She is not a safe person and not a safe receptacle for your innermost thoughts and feelings.
On the limited info we have here, I’d say don’t try to have any sort of meaningful conversation with her. If you are keen to stay in touch for some reason, keep the door open with birthday cards maybe and concentrate on your own well-being and recovery.
It must be tough to have had these very negative experiences. Pat yourself on the back for having got through it. Look after yourself.
Good luck. Keep safe.

I'm not estranged either, fortunately. So IDK how I'd feel if an EAC suddenly wanted back in my life. I'd like to think I'd be thrilled, but who knows? And if I found out they had come back into my life just to tell me all the reasons they were angry at me in the first place, no doubt, that would sour the experience very fast.

I'm deeply sorry for the suffering you went through as a child, Purple. My heart goes out to you! But I'm going to echo another poster's question - did your mum KNOW she was leaving you w/ a paedophile?

IMO, she shouldn't have abandoned you as a child, should have taken you w/ her if she felt she had to leave. Once you were an adult, though, she didn't owe you the same support though it would have been nice. She didn't have to be there for the birth of your child, etc.

What's catching my attention, though, is that, yes, she does seem very self-centered. She always leaves when she wants, no matter how you need her. Maybe she can't handle other people needing her, some people are like that.

I doubt anything we say will keep you from contacting her if you really want to. But I'm going to chime in w/ those who say to do so by letter first and see how she responds. Also, don't expect to get any more out of her than you have before. I'm so sorry, but it's very doubtful that will happen.