Girlfriend staying in the car 'with the dogs'

At least you are aware of over reaction. Hind sight is a wonderful thing and it wasn't as if you had cancelled your own plans to accommodate others. There were remedies, eat the cake yourself for one, and bank transfer for the money.If DIL wants to sit in the car with dogs. her choice. Count your blessings.At least your family are in the same country as yourself. Many of us not as fortunate with more than a motorway separating us.

Don't be too upset, we all do things on the spur of the moment we regret. You were looking forward to seeing them and were hurt and disappointed, so you reacted like you did. At least you got in touch with them quickly so there's no festering grudge.

Agree with Tillybelle. Sadly a lack of tender loving kindness is often what causes these difficult situations. Also of insecurities around mother/son relationships from the son's partner. Why don't these women understand that there's enough love to go around..?

It's a very warm day - please don't even think of leaving a dog in a car, even with the windows open a bit!

I avoided my MIL as much as possible! but she and I had a very bad relationship, this seems a different scenario. As someone else pointed out leaving dogs alone in cars is now frowned upon.
In our local paper there was a recent incident where a lady had popped into a shop (gone 10 mins) to return and find that a passer by had smashed her car window to “rescue” her dog!

I bought a second-hand car which had obviously had the gear stick chewed by a dog. They had no intention of repairing it but I loved the car, still do, it was cheap and so I bought it anyway. I bought some stick on 'leather' to repair it. My point is, perhaps the dogs would damage the car and can't be left so the gf judged that you would rather see your son. Glad you and your son seem to be on happy terms now. Don't be too hard on yourself, you were so pleased about the visit and it didn't go the way you expected. At least you've thought about it and apologised. That will mean a lot to them.

A lot of you think mum over-reacted...rubbish.... this young woman is not worth knowing, eight years and mums seen her eight times!! Extraordinary behaviour, and her son just hasn’t realised it yet. Any family member of mine that turns up at my door , I expect to get out of the car and be civil and polite, if nothing else! Civility only coasts ten minutes. This young woman needs a lesson in manners and if her boyfriend doesn’t do it ....his mum should.

"...but girlfriend is in the car, he then says he cannot stay long as she is in the car even though i say every time - why? - and its wizz in and out - and thats it, whereas i have prepared a snack, geered myself emotionally and in seconds its over. Horrid feeling ."

Misty, I'm so sorry. I take it DS feels he can't/shouldn't just eave GF in the car while he visits w/ you. That would be rude and insensitive to do to HER. If only he would come sometimes w/o her, so he could perhaps stay longer. IDKY you question him each time, though. My guess is he is going to keep acting the same way - why waist your breath asking about it? I know you posted to sympathize w/ the OP, not to look for advice, but IMO, this is another case where one needs to just accept the situation as is and not continue to expect more.

"This young woman needs a lesson in manners and if her boyfriend doesn’t do it ....his mum should."

How would "his mum" do that, Saggi? And how could she be sure that wouldn't just end up in alienating DS? Risky business, IMO.

We mums/MILs/GPs don't have to like rude behavior. Why would we? But, sometimes, IMO, we have to just accept that this is how it's going to be an lower our expectations if we don't wish to be distanced.

We don't know and can't know what conversation was going on in the car before son and gf arrived. Maybe they'd had a blazing row and she was punishing him by sulking in the car.
The dogs were merely an excuse!
Or:
Gf had a pain or was otherwise indisposed or had had bad news herself so didn't want to make small talk with OP.
Thinking back to when my AC were courting or even when I was, as someone has said we were so wrapped up in ourselves, we hardly thought of parents as having feelings to worry about or toes to tread on.
DS should make an effort to break the ice between these 2 women in his life IMO if he wants a happy life.

They probably had a row on the way over and she was sulking. It was probably nothing personal directed at you at all.

That is IMO the most distasteful thing for those who walk on egg shells and bite their tongues for fear of low contact or no contact Starlady.

Why on earth should we have too "just accept that this is is how it's going to be and lower our expectations if we don't wish to be distanced"?

We don't see our youngest son or our only GC but on the plus side, we are not spending our lives capitulating and living in fear of the death blow to our relationship with our son.

It's already happened, it hurt like hell and was the most devastating thing that has ever happened to either of us but we've survived, and are free to live our lives in peace and tranquility.

Am I the only one who thinks that maybe the g/f thought it would be nice for her partner to have a few minutes by himself with his mother?

I can’t believe the amount of blame that’s being cast on both the g/f and poor mosaicwarts who has reiterated more than once that she knows she was overreacting and has apologised.

As for the sets of parents not having met, well maybe the son and g/f just think they wouldn’t have anything in common and it might be awkward. There’s no biological rule that says you’ll get on with your children’s in-laws, though it’s nice when it happens.

Cheer up mw. Tomorrow’s another day.

true, Janeainsworth, that is a distinct possibility.
One of my DiL who's not married to DS but they have children, took ages to get her parents to meet us. She said we'd have nothing to talk about, different politics, etc etc.
We met them eventually, once, and got on very well. Amazing what a few G&Ts will do and a fine restaurant meal. You don't need to mention politics.,
However because there was no wedding, we haven't met any of the rest of her family which I find a bit sad and now DS and his partner have emigrated so it's unlikely we'll ever meet her family as they live 350 miles away and we'd have no cause to.

I can’t believe the judgement either Jane nobody except the son knows, perhaps he’d said, you stay in the car and I won’t be more than five minutes then we ll get home and you can give me your birthday present nudge nudge wink wink
It’s just not worth make an enemy over Maybe she ll lighten up and become a friend maybe she won’t
It is what it is, absolutely no point in going over and over it and no point at all blaming the girl unless you ever know what was said before they arrived and you went ever know that so ‘let it go’ as the famous song says

I wouldn’t have left any dog alone in a car given the temperature yesterday. Dogs die in hot cars and it doesn’t take long.

just saying

I’ve just noticed something I (and I think others missed). It sounds like OP was invited to lunch but said she didn’t feel well.

GF might have been trying to avoid getting ill.

OP only seeing the girlfriend eight times in eight years though?
Seems a strong message may be being sent out by girlfriend or perhaps the son too?
Try and not mind as much it is possible to do so. Your son visits you, show you are pleased to see him and forget the rest.

Points well-taken, Smileless. But, IMO, parents have to realize that they are taking a risk if they deliberately crack one of those eggshells (NOT saying that's what you and Mr. S did, this is in response to what Saggi may be suggesting). If they're willing to take the risk of being distanced or if they believe they will actually feel freer that way, then I can see going ahead and cracking that shell. But if they'd rather continue their relationship w/ their AC and any GC (mosaic doesn't mention GC, of course), despite having to bite their tongues, etc., that's a different story. But if they're aware of it, they can make the choice.

Thank you for all your kind comments and support. I can't believe I made such a drama of it now I've had time to reflect.

Trying to sell the house for the past nine months has been extremely stressful and I need to take stock.

Unfortunately my relationship with my son is very delicate because he has mental health issues, I really appreciated all your input.

Thank you.

You're very welcome, mosaic.

I know how stressful selling a house can be. Been there, done that!

Sorry about DS' mental health issues and how it affects your relationship w/ him. Hope things go better from now on.

Selling your house is always such a mess of emotions.

I wasn’t trying to keep at it, just offering other reasons. We truly never know others intentions. I just prefer not to assign malice when there might a reasonable explanation.

Keeping you in my thoughts mosaic. Try to get out and do something you enjoy today

yes I think the dogs are a red herring. Your son's girlfriend is rude and your son is tolerating it. Perhaps she has the upper hand...perhaps he just wants a quiet life. But we all know it's not on. Not respectful. Not kind. Don't apologise too much

I think it was rude and disrespectful to sit in the car.

Usually when our DD visits us, the first thing she says is ' can't stop, just a flying visit' .

Oh yes I agree Starlady but the fear of being cut out or having contact reduced, be it real or imaginary, is giving some AC a blank cheque isn't it.

They can treat their parents like shit rubbish and get away with it.