How many of you who are cut off actually want to be reconciled?

What is the worse that could happen if someone makes an effort to reunite?

Sarah65 the same situation as myself. My mother was depressed and we had a miserable childhood. As a consequence after she died I have no connection with my siblings. We are all individuals with our own feelings and thoughts and no wish to know each other now. Being of the same blood did not bond us

You don’t sound selfish McCavity2 indeed you sound eminently sensible. I would be just the same.

Starlady

Could it be that two people, simply don’t like each other? So trying to force something just because you’re blood related seems futile?

Elizasnan

I think my mother probably suffered from either depression or anxiety, didn’t realise it at the time, nobody discussed anything like that in our family, but it’s definitely not good for the children

You’re right Sara65 when family members have nothing in common or even actively dislike and disagree it can be difficult. Surely it doesn’t need to mean total NC? Can’t Christmas/birthday cards be sent when children are involved?

Just because the adult doesn’t like another adult does it automatically have to be pursued into the next generation? What message is it giving a child - that you too can drop me because I dropped my mother?

I’m intrigued whether anyone who went NC with parents has had it done to them by their own children?

Pantglas

I agree for the most part with what you’re saying, but in my case, my mother just pushed me too far, and as our relationship was hanging by a thread anyway, it just seemed right to me to end it completely.

I see your point about minimum contact, sending cards, etc but I would have felt that gradually things would return to how they were, and I didn’t want that

None of my children have been dragged into it

It’s not something our family has experienced, thankfully. But from the sidelines it just seems cruel.

Okay, keep your distance if you are doing it. But just as Pantglas1 said above, a card once or twice a year to let the one cut out would mean so much to them, just to know the estranged member of the family is still walking this Earth... somewhere.

It’s what I think anyway.

Urmstongran

I appreciate that if you’ve never been in this situation, it’s hard to imagine not wanting to be in contact with someone in your family.

But in my case, and I’m sure in many others, life is so much calmer and less stressful once you have taken that step

I have sympathy with you that you feel that way and wonder how you’d feel if one/all your children felt that way about you? This is a genuine question Sara65 - one I haven’t had answered by my daughter who went NC with me for a number of years (since happily reconciled)

Pantglas

I’m very happy for you that you and your daughter are reconciled, you obviously had something worth saving

Regarding your question, part of me feels that what goes round, comes round, but I haven’t, and never have had the kind of totally difficult relationship I’ve had with my mother, she always made me feel a much worse person than I think I am, and I don’t want to do that anymore

Basically, I think the wrong child was born to the wrong mother, I wasn’t what she wanted, and she wasn’t what I needed

Thanks for sharing that Sara65.

Pantglas

You’re welcome!

Sorry I can’t shed more light on you question, just be happy you and your daughter are reconciled

I wish you both well

Thanks for your good wishes and of course I’m thankful that matters were resolved to a degree that has enabled us to rebuild a different and probably more equal relationship. I appreciate that we all have different experiences and needs - best wishes.

"Starlady

Could it be that two people, simply don’t like each other? So trying to force something just because you’re blood related seems futile?"

Makes sense to me, Sara.

I don't know that estrangement makes sense- But it's clear that people have problems with each other and for one reason or another cannot solve them together- Being apart doesn't solve the problem either- It provides extended respite, but not resolution- Its simply an option-

That makes sense to me too Starlady but what doesn't make any sense is for example, a wonderful relationship with and AC that lasted for 27 years in which you suddenly become people they no longer like.

I agree rosecarmel that estrangement "provides extended respite" but no resolution but that said, for someone like Sara whose entire relationship with her mother has been destructive, I can see that estrangement is a solution.

Sara.

rosecarmel in answer to your question, I suspect the worst for the person who feels they dont know the reason for the estrangement, is that all the pain comes right back to the surface, after years of reconciling to the others decision. Which is probably why some say they no longer want reconciliation ...self protection kicks in. Understandable. And sad

I think that a parent who cares about their own children would not cut their children off from their own parents unless there is a very good reason to think the GP are a danger to the GC. Even if such a parent is doing it because they don't get on with the GP perhaps they should think of the message they are sending to their own children and keep contact for selfish reasons. As some say 'what goes around comes around'

I would be interested to know what percentage of AC cut off their parents after they are in a relationship? I can understand it if the AC does it within a short time of leaving home because that is when we see our parents as they really are. I suspect that if they have remained in a good relationship with their parents for some time after leaving home but break it after getting a new partner that the partner is playing a part in the split.

Our ES went no contact within 18 months of getting married and when our first GC was 8 months old Nonnie.

A lot of research, shared accounts etc. does show a definite link between the introduction of a third party; an AC's gf/bf wife/husband and estrangement.

That's certainly the case for me Madgran. It isself protection and protection for Mr. S. I could never put myself in a situation where either of us could be hurt in the way we have been.

I have said this before but thinks it's worth reiterating; EP's not wanting to reconcile following estrangement is something that EAC should consider.

I'm sure some do but I wouldn't be at all surprised if some assume that if and when they're ready to make contact, their parents will be there, ready and waiting. That wont always be the case; it isn't for me.

Nonnie

I think that’s an interesting point, I’m sure the percentage would be quite high, you may see your parents through someone else’s eyes for the first time, or your partner may not be able to stand them, and it’s easier just to cut them off.

I don’t think it says much for your relationship though, if you’re prepared to cut off your whole family for that reason

I think it would be quite high too.

A third party changes the dynamic. I
personally think it's when Grandchildren get added into the mix, it was for us. It escalated as soon as I was in labour and her sense of entitlement and 'I wants' came racing to the surface within hours of DD being born.

That was our experience too March. Our d.i.l.'s attitude toward us changed when she became pregnant, gradually deteriorating throughout her pregnancy.

Quite literally the day after our GC was born and we saw him for the first time, the relationship once seemingly loving became hostile and the hostility grew until we were finally CO 10 months later.

I don't think separation solved Sara's problem with her mom, she simply removed herself from her mom- The problem that exists between them remains unresolved-

It's been a similar road with my own mother and extended family despite the fact that I've chosen to interact- So as I see it, neither are resolutions-

I recently encountered an issue with my sister that we have discussed more than once- Obviously, the problem is not solved- Long story- But she has now distanced herself from me somewhat despite the fact that it is she that makes plans for others without asking-

Speaking or not speaking, the issue continues-

Yes, I see what you're saying rosecarmel estrangement leaves the problem(s) that caused it, unresolved. That said, the barrier that estrangement creates can protect the estranged from the abuse of their estranger and of course the estranger from the abuse of the one they're estranging from.