How many of you who are cut off actually want to be reconciled?

Rosecarmel

There isn’t really a problem to resolve, a life time of counselling wouldn’t make a difference, I just don’t think we like one another

Looks like I struck a chord there. I suppose families will never know if it was the AC who made the decision or whether it was the insecurity of the partner that caused it.

I can only speak for the situation with my mother who, I think, was jealous of me. I didn't cut her off, just didn't go out of my way to contact her and we lived a long way apart She occasionally contacted me and I was always pleasant to her. If she had wanted to see my children I would have arranged it. Everything I heard from my brother and sister led me to believe I did the right thing. Since her death and, more recently, the death of my sister, my nieces have told me things which make me sure my mother was not a very nice person. However, no matter what she did, and she did some horrible things, I would never have cut her off from her GC.

Smileless, when one decides its necessary to protect themselves for whatever reason surely they need to separate themselves from the problematic person or persons or situation- Estrangement provides space and soft place to fall after efforts to resolve problems have been made-

Another thought - does it depend on whether the AC is only they AC or whether GC are also involved? Would it be easier to accept if there were no GC? Would it be easier to accept if they cut off the whole family rather than just the parent?

Sara, sometimes problems never get resolved- When in each other's company there are issues and when not, the problem goes on- One simply comes to the conclusion that accepting the space between people is the lesser of two evils-

I think you indicated that you feel better not seeing your mom- To me, that indicates that being in her company resulted in some kind of discomfort- And if that discomfort wasn't a problem you would have not made any changes but continued to place yourself in the uncomfortable situation-

Nonnie, I think I indicated previously that when infants and toddlers are involved it becomes much more emotionally loaded- But less so if the kids are teens-

i am a cutter off er.....my dislike of my MIL started when i was 8 months pregnant and she told me i was nothing last his last g/f as she was slim and beautiful....snide remarks like this continued for years but then when my kids were 7 & 10 she said that if me and hubs ever split she would have no hesitation to cut them out of her life forever....she said this in front of them. many many other things have happened inc her calling my daughter pathetic she takes no responsibility for anything spiteful she says its our fault

I just dont think that you will find your answers this way OP. In typical "estrangements" (even accounting for the spectrum of situations that encompases) there was a traditional family set up which one or several parties later rejected, usually in adulthood.

You and your mum never had that "family" mother-daughter set up purple so trying to make sense of your situation by asking about estrangements in general , well, it doesnt really apply/transfer!

I understand your desire to find common ground with others OP, peer support can be good (sometimes) but it might help to be specific, as you were "abandoned" (as a child) rather than "estranged" (as an adult, even though issues persist to your adulthood).

I just worry for you OP as you seem so desperate for answers but seem unsure how to go about getting a resolution

Absolutely rosecarmel. Yes, "Estrangement provides space and soft spot to fall after efforts to resolve problems have been made".

4 years into our estrangement, we found our soft spot when we moved. We fell into it gratefully and thankful that we are no longer involved in the ongoing drama that has become our ES's life.

Rosecarmel, IMO, for some problems, there is no possible resolution.

And yes, ladies, I often find myself reading about estrangements that began after the 1st GC was born or after DD or DIL became pregnant. Ive seen mums/MILs say that DD/DIL changed at that point, but Ive also seen DDs/DILs say that mum/MIL is the one who changed. Perhaps it can go either way...

Purpletinofpaint even wider circle of relatives have said to me, but they will do it again, about letting estAC and family back into my life.

I love my estDS unconditionally and recently when he emailed me for the first time in 6 years, it lifted my heart due to the kind things he said.

But loving him as I do, I also have to take care of myself, my health has changed in the long years of CO. I don’t have a choice either, it’s not up to me.

Anything now for a peaceful, no drama life. I couldn’t be hurt like that again, I swear ( forgive the melodrama) it would finish me off ?

Nanny2507

Sounds like you had very good reason, I hope your husband supported your decision

No melodrama there Sparkly I feel exactly the same.

My eldest daughter went off after I told her a few home truths that were long overdue. I don't regret it. My two younger children ran off to their daddy (who had been on the missing list for 13 years) as soon as he miraculously reappeared waving £50 notes. They were then able to tell him, and anybody else who'd listen, about the diabolical and cruel childhood they had to endure, where they were beaten daily and dressed in rags. Why spoil a good story by telling the truth? I have finally managed to get them and their evil and uncalled for behavior out of my system and don't want to see them. I do however, have a. Bet on that they'll come running to me when he breaks as that will render them both homeless!

Sorry, when he croaks, not breaks, though I suppose it could mean the same thing!

Nanny2507, what a horrible MIL! And hardly worthy of the title of GM! It's possible that she has a medical problem that causes her total rudeness and insensitivity. But no matter, you have to protect yourself your kids.

Miepl. I'm so sorry about your estrangement from your 3 AC. It seems you've gotten past the anger and hurt, and I'm glad to hear it. If the younger 2 "come running back," will you reconcile w/ them?

Smileless2012 you understand, thank you.

I wonder if people cut the family off too easily? DH was very angry at some of the things my family did and would have liked me to challenge them, probably because they were financial. I chose not to, I don't like confrontation, and told myself that it was better to stay out of it. I don't want to give the details but it was pretty horrible. Despite all this I never cut anyone off because that seemed a step too far. Now all except one are dead and I can look back and feel that I did the right thing for all concerned although DH is still not happy about it all he does accept it was my decision.

Yes, I have got past the anger and hurt! Since they tell everybody I am dead, if they turn up here, I will turn them awaY. There are no pockets in a shroud and they'd only be after me for money (which I don't have)

Nonnie, I'm certain some people cut off too easily- As for yourself, and your own circumstances, it sounds as if you did what was best for you, but only possibly best for all involved- Dead or not- You will never know what might have been better "for" them had you handled matters differently- Your husband remains upset even though your family has been laid to rest- Perhaps it would have been different if some stuff had been discussed- Perhaps you too easily dismissed your husband's feelings-

I think that's an unfair comment to Nonnie rosearmel. We can never know if things would have been better if we'd handled things differently in so many areas of our lives.

If it is not in your nature to be confrontational there's little if anything you can do about that, even though in the opinion of someone close to you, you should do otherwise.

What's important for Nonnie IMO is that she can look back and feel she acted appropriately. The issue referred too involved her family, not her husband's. He may still not be happy with the decisions she took but he does accept that it was her decision to make.

Smileless, I don't think considering how things might have been different is unfair- Frequently opportunities arise to handle matters in a manner that works better than the time before as a result of taking the time to rethink things that happened previously-

When people choose not to confront issues and have difficult discussions those matters get swept under the rug- Some become accustomed to stepping over the ever growing bump that collects under that rug when a discussion or two could have smoothed it out at least or removed it completely-

Many people prefer to keep distant than to interact- Nonnie indicated that confrontation wasn't her cup of tea- Yet she wondered if people didn't resort to estrangement too easily- She made her thoughts and feelings scarce with her family, and as a result "cut them off" in that regard- And seemed to do so with ease-

I dont get the impression that Nonie did it "with ease"!

I don't understand your post rosecarmel.

Nonnie chose not to confront anyone but to stay out of the matter. She then went on to say "Despite all this I never cut anyone off as this seemed a step to far".

Being scarce with your thoughts and feelings isn't cutting someone off in any regard. Cutting off is having nothing to do with someone.

Nannie2507 - what a horrible MIL! And a horrible grandmother ?