Gransnet forums


How many of you who are cut off actually want to be reconciled?

(117 Posts)
Purpletinofpaint Fri 05-Jul-19 08:43:21

I'm aware from reading other threads that sometimes the estrangement has gone on too long & that some left-behind mothers have now adapted & don't want their estranged child to make contact, for the upheaval it would cause. I just thought I 'd put this question out there and ask. If you've been cut off for a long time, do you still want to be reconciled with your adult child? Also I'd be interested to learn how long you've been estranged for? I'm estranged over 10yrs.

rosecarmel Sat 13-Jul-19 19:45:07

Smileless, a step too far, to me, indicates that she did step away- Not towards-

Estrangement isn't absolutely no contact at all- It is distance- Not be confused with private matters that aren't anyone's business other than the individuals a matter involves- It is making a conscious to not talk to people about matters that involve them-

rosecarmel Sat 13-Jul-19 19:47:19

Concious "decision"

rosecarmel Sat 13-Jul-19 19:48:30

Try that again ...conscious! smile

SparklyGrandma Sun 14-Jul-19 16:25:41

In some cases, estrangement is no contact at all. And without having a choice in the matter rosecarmel

Smileless2012 Sun 14-Jul-19 20:58:29

The experience of posters here on GN and other sites that deal with the issue of estrangement have no contact. Posters who have even very little contact, never say they're estranged because it is universally accepted that while there is any contact at all, estrangement hasn't happened.

rosecarmel Mon 15-Jul-19 04:49:10

SparklyGrandma, yes- In some cases its no contact at all and without having a choice in the matter- Sometimes it appears to be a gradual process and other times quite sudden-

A single life event, even one that seems insignificant, can trigger distancing, the breaking down of communication and loss of affection-

rosecarmel Mon 15-Jul-19 05:19:38

Smuleless2012, it's not universally accepted- smile

Some reserve the term to imply no contact at all- However, some use the word correctly while describing any relationship where former bonds have been broken- For example, couples that remain married and continue to live together under the same roof but no longer remain close-

SparklyGrandma Mon 15-Jul-19 07:54:47

I agree with Smileless2012 estrangement is no contact.

No one I have chatted with on here uses estrangement for any relationship.

Estrangement can also be started by a bad AC relationship or simply bad minded people.

Estrangement is very painful in an ongoing life affecting way. Mostly I would say Purpletinofpaint it’s a case of learning to live and having a life in spite of estrangement. Hope may be there or not.
In any case, coping with it is a daily reality. But you do survive and build a life eventually. 🌸🌸

Nonnie Mon 15-Jul-19 10:14:02

smile thank you, you understand my feelings perfectly.

rose I'm sorry but you just don't get it. I didn't cut anyone off, I simply chose to walk away from a situation where family which took money that should have been mine. Had I not done so matters would have been far worse with my family. Discussing things would only have invited conflict and would not have changed anything. It was far better to keep my dignity and avoid the conflict.

Yes, we would now be better off and the money would have been very useful when we were poor but we survived and I think it made us stronger. DH and I disagreed but that is fine, we disagree about other things too and accept our differences which makes us stronger.

I am now estranged from a relative who didn't even send a kind word when my son died, that is my choice. I cannot see any reason to be in contact with someone just because we are related and have nothing in common.

Smileless2012 Mon 15-Jul-19 10:21:41

Thank you Sparklysmile, that was my point. P's and GP's on support sites who have no contact say they're estranged. Those with even the bare minimum of contact don't.

Namsnanny Mon 15-Jul-19 11:45:51

rosecarmel.....context is everything. Its clear what estrangement means here.

Example: snow when the word snow is used in a book about winter, snow means white frozen water.
When used in a TV repair manual it means a fuzzy screen display.

I would'nt expect it to be an example of the white stuff in a manual about broken telly's!
Ergo I wouldn't expect the word estrangement to be referencing a divorced couple on a thread about AC's and GP's going no contact.

Sorry if I'm labouring a point, but if it has come to arguing about the definition of a word, it strikes me no one will get anywhere! smile

Namsnanny Mon 15-Jul-19 11:52:23

paddyann….flowers for you and your Mum.

Pantglas1 Mon 15-Jul-19 11:53:13

I think sometimes Namsnanny people nitpick over particular word definitions so that they can ignore the truth of what you have to say.....

SparklyGrandma Mon 15-Jul-19 11:59:16

Exactly Pantglas1

rosecarmel Mon 15-Jul-19 14:45:29

Namsnanny, you aren't laboring over a point- You are engaging in a conversation- smile

I appreciate the snow analogy- I was going to offer one in my previous post then chose not to! I was going to use color to describe the subtle, transitioning shades/stages of estrangement- To suggest by way of using a spectrum that estrangement isn't solely Navy Blue or Azure- But instead, every blue-

Likewise when tension erupts in a discussion- One might simply become aware of it rising up and continue engaging kindly while another responds harshly, pulls away, then shuts it down- Creating distance and estrangement in the relationship-

rosecarmel Mon 15-Jul-19 14:49:29

Smileless, Im a member of this site and others- I do not use the word estrangement to describe solely no contact relationships-

rosecarmel Mon 15-Jul-19 15:26:26

Nonnie, most definitely there are situations that arise where self preservation is the only priority- Walking away from a toxic situation, despite what one might be sacrificing as a result of walking away, is sometimes the safest option-

When my husband died MANY people didn't send condolences- There was no memorial service- No memorial service = no opportunity to express sorrow- Therefore, their refusal or disinterest is my doing- Not ..

I reached out to them instead- Offered both money and belongings- They accepted it- Not a single thank you was whispered-

Nonnie Mon 15-Jul-19 15:38:19

rose once again it seems you have misunderstood my meaning. I am not talking about 'many people' I am talking about one close family member. That is very different, although I must be much luckier in my friendships that you because I was inundated with lovely messages from not only my own friends and relations but also many of my sons friends too. Even now some have mentioned what a difficult month this must be for me. It is very sad that you number the sort of person who doesn't say thank you amongst your family and friends. I am so sorry.

rosecarmel Mon 15-Jul-19 17:10:24

Nonnie, I understood you to mean one family member, not MANY- smile I used MANY to describe my own situation- I was clear about that -- see above-

The way I see it, I am fortunate to have wholehearted relationships with a few people- Sometimes I wish the number were greater, but accept that many people prefer not to discuss difficult situations, who prefer estrangement instead-

I honestly didn't consider it just sad to notice peoples disregard and distance when my husband passed- I found it perplexing more than anything else really- Neither he or I engaged in the practice of being traditionalists- It wasn't until he died that I realized just how many placed the responsibility on me to meet their expectations-

However, I chose not to do that-

Those who didn't concern themselves with expectations saw to making the effort to simply being together or connecting in whatever capacity appropriate-

I'm open to discussion, I answer my phone, my emails and texts -- eventually- My door is unlocked, nobody knocks, they know they are welcome, they just come in-

Smileless2012 Mon 15-Jul-19 19:44:55

I know you don't rosecarmel but the vast majority, if not all of the EP's and EGP's here on GN do not regard their situation as estrangement, unless all contact has ceased.

It might be more helpful if you would just accept that when a poster who has no contact and uses the word estrangement to sum up their situation, regards the use of that noun to be appropriate rather than splitting hairs.

rosecarmel Mon 15-Jul-19 20:33:59

Smileless, you can continue to split hairs, if you desire, which you must, because you keep responding-

And while we are on the subject of what I not do, I also don't often take blanket statements as truths- There are forum moderators who oversee and forum members who self appoint to speak for all- It's nothing new- smile

I never said I did not accept others usage directly, I've initiated a discussion- Anyone wishing to engage in it has-

SparklyGrandma Mon 15-Jul-19 20:51:56

Hasn’t the thread got off the point that Purpletinofpaint ? The OP asked how many of us want to reconcile, or not.

Splitting hairs as a subject is not in the OP’s question.

Meant well.

rosecarmel Mon 15-Jul-19 22:46:08

I think the OP, like myself, would love a reunion- I still visit with and speak to my mother, but her denial creates pockets of estrangement in our relationship- If I didn't accept her for where she is at in her head and her heart we would have no contact at all- I believe at her age that revisiting the past would be too painful for her and that it would break her - But without doing so our relationship will never be whole, it will remain fragmented and estranged- There will be only one side of the story - Hers- I sit beside her and listen-

mumofmadboys Tue 16-Jul-19 07:21:27

I find the term 'pockets of estrangement in our relationship' an oxymoron. Few relationships are perfect. There are always areas in any relationship where there can be improved understanding/ communication/ empathy but this is not estrangement.

Pantglas1 Tue 16-Jul-19 08:32:07

Agreed Mumofmadboys - all relationships ebb and flow and most adults realise and accept that. It’s the control freaks that insist on micro managing every last detail to their agenda that refuse to recognise it.