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How many of you who are cut off actually want to be reconciled?

(117 Posts)
Purpletinofpaint Fri 05-Jul-19 08:43:21

I'm aware from reading other threads that sometimes the estrangement has gone on too long & that some left-behind mothers have now adapted & don't want their estranged child to make contact, for the upheaval it would cause. I just thought I 'd put this question out there and ask. If you've been cut off for a long time, do you still want to be reconciled with your adult child? Also I'd be interested to learn how long you've been estranged for? I'm estranged over 10yrs.

Starlady Sun 21-Jul-19 05:58:06

Oh, supergabs, how heartbreaking! I understand what some posters are saying about age and that it might be a different thing if it was said in the heat of anger. But still, IMO, a remark like that would be very hard to come back from. I hope you and your son are able to reconcile someday, but I understand your reluctance to do so. Hugs!

rosecarmel Wed 17-Jul-19 20:59:48

I meant to add that people can get past a lot of they decide to take down barriers- Which to me are different than healthy boundaries-

rosecarmel Wed 17-Jul-19 20:54:36

Yes, Sara- Her son basically said that she is dead to him- We don't know the details but what's clear is that the son identified with his father and not his mom- At all- Its normal for a child to identify with one parent more than another to a degree- But when they do so completely it's usually due to that parent using that child's preference and influence and loving devotion as a tool to damage and hurt the other parent-

Sara65 Wed 17-Jul-19 20:24:14

Some relationships can’t be saved Rosecarmel, because there’s nothing worth saving. But I agree, you need to reach a point where you can be civil if you find yourself in the same space, supergabs son was vile, I would think it would be very hard to get past that

rosecarmel Wed 17-Jul-19 20:11:20

Plenty can be said in the heat of the moment- Some folks get over the sting and move forward and some can't get past it-

Talking to someone again after some time apart isn't an easy process, it's hard- And sometimes even after striking up conversations again, they don't lead to healing- You no longer "click" together as you once had in the past- So you remain estranged but at least can be civil when the occasion arises that you are both in the same place at the same time-

People with passive aggressive habits hold grduges, so as a rule reunion and reconciliation isn't on their to do list -- unless it's on their terms- Same goes for folks who would prefer to live in denial than roll up their sleeves and do the work necessary to heal the relationship-

Peonyrose Wed 17-Jul-19 14:14:02

I think you have to take into account, the age of the son, the circumstances that led up to it and many factors. A teenager will tend to sound of, they can be unpredictable due to hormones, pressure from school, exams etc. To have your world turned upside down when vulnerable must feel like being abandoned. If he was a thirty year old that's another story. I would regardless of what age he was, try to reconcile, I would put aside this one outburst. If he was abusive and violent, no way. I always tend to look at why people do things! sometimes it's because they are at the end of their
tether. I think you are only as happy as your unhappiest child as the saying goes, but that's probably a fault with me.

SparklyGrandma Wed 17-Jul-19 10:16:46

That’s awful supergabs1960 of him to say that. Your way of coping with it is 100% understandable.

We do what we have to, to survive and live a good life, when our AC - adult children reject us or go CO into full estrangement.

Stay strong!

Sara65 Tue 16-Jul-19 20:41:50


You must have great reserves of tolerance

I can’t see any circumstances in which it would be okay to say what Supergabs son said to her, he may have been as mad as hell, but you don’t say things like that to your mother

Peonyrose Tue 16-Jul-19 20:35:02

Supergabs, that was a truly horrible thing your son said. Not for one minute he should have, but I have heard other people say they have had the most viscious things said to them, then before you know it they are talking, if you ask how they can move on from that, they say it was just words and they moved on as the person didn't mean it. It would break my heart to be spoken to like that. However, I'm not estranged. It sounds as if he was feeling hurt and betrayed and so angry that he said the very worst thing he could think of. I am sure he must think back to what he said that day, perhaps he was young and couldn't articulate his feelings.

Smileless2012 Tue 16-Jul-19 20:06:54

Supergabs I don't know how you can stand to be in the same room as him. That's so awful, words fail meflowers.

Sara65 Tue 16-Jul-19 17:42:11


That’s so horrible, why on earth would he say something so hateful?

I really feel for you, I can’t say I blame you for not wanting to reconcile with him

supergabs1960 Tue 16-Jul-19 17:38:24

I've been estranged from my second oldest son for 14 years. It was agony for the first few years. Now I just don't care and I certainly don't want any of the heart wrenching drama of a reconciliation. All my children reacted badly to me leaving their father but he took it to the next level. His last words to me were "F* off and die in a ditch somewhere" and although we have been in the same room together he has not spoken to me since. I still love the little boy he was but I feel nothing for the man he's become.

Smileless2012 Tue 16-Jul-19 15:25:09

There are no alienation tactics on this thread rosecarmel and as an estranged parent and grand parent I find the second paragraph of your post both insensitive and offensive.

I agree Nonnie that this thread seems to moved away from the support for which it was intended but there thankfully other threads to contribute too.

Nonnie Tue 16-Jul-19 11:16:18

I think I'll just leave it there. I don't like it when a thread becomes sort of hijacked by one who believes theirs is a superior point of view but describes it as debate. I will put it down to a cultural difference as most of us on here are from the UK and may see things differently. It seems to have ceased to be a supporting thread.

NotSpaghetti Tue 16-Jul-19 10:01:45

I think, Purpletinofpaint that you may be looking for a specific answer here on this new post.
It seemed to me, when you asked some weeks ago about someone making contact after many years that you were hoping to receive different answers than were given. I am not judging here - as have never experienced your pain and grief - but when you have had counselling around this, and have come such a long way, be very wary of setting yourself back again.
My concern is that you are not hurt some more.
Be careful whatever you choose. Good luck.

rosecarmel Tue 16-Jul-19 09:48:09

Several of you contributing to this thread are attempting to enforce what a word means via group think despite the clear fact that the definition of the word is broad and does not by any stretch of the imagination mean solely, completely cut off- Not even in legal terms does it suggest no contact at all-

What's even more moronic, yet revealing, is employing alienation tactics in an estrangement thread- It reinforces the fact that some parents prefer to use their influence to their benefit then cannot possibly grasp how they became estranged from their children and as a result their grandchildren, too-

Relationships are subject to ebb and flow but in some the tide quits or is considerably reduced- Both of these are conditions of estrangement- Spousal neglect, lack of affection, depression, no sex, break down of communication, denial, Alzheimer's, etc. all invite people to feel less connected and estranged-

Perhaps more people would engage in discussion regarding estrangement if others didn't concentrate their efforts to shut them out -- of an estrangement thread ..

Pantglas1 Tue 16-Jul-19 08:32:07

Agreed Mumofmadboys - all relationships ebb and flow and most adults realise and accept that. It’s the control freaks that insist on micro managing every last detail to their agenda that refuse to recognise it.

mumofmadboys Tue 16-Jul-19 07:21:27

I find the term 'pockets of estrangement in our relationship' an oxymoron. Few relationships are perfect. There are always areas in any relationship where there can be improved understanding/ communication/ empathy but this is not estrangement.

rosecarmel Mon 15-Jul-19 22:46:08

I think the OP, like myself, would love a reunion- I still visit with and speak to my mother, but her denial creates pockets of estrangement in our relationship- If I didn't accept her for where she is at in her head and her heart we would have no contact at all- I believe at her age that revisiting the past would be too painful for her and that it would break her - But without doing so our relationship will never be whole, it will remain fragmented and estranged- There will be only one side of the story - Hers- I sit beside her and listen-

SparklyGrandma Mon 15-Jul-19 20:51:56

Hasn’t the thread got off the point that Purpletinofpaint ? The OP asked how many of us want to reconcile, or not.

Splitting hairs as a subject is not in the OP’s question.

Meant well.

rosecarmel Mon 15-Jul-19 20:33:59

Smileless, you can continue to split hairs, if you desire, which you must, because you keep responding-

And while we are on the subject of what I not do, I also don't often take blanket statements as truths- There are forum moderators who oversee and forum members who self appoint to speak for all- It's nothing new- smile

I never said I did not accept others usage directly, I've initiated a discussion- Anyone wishing to engage in it has-

Smileless2012 Mon 15-Jul-19 19:44:55

I know you don't rosecarmel but the vast majority, if not all of the EP's and EGP's here on GN do not regard their situation as estrangement, unless all contact has ceased.

It might be more helpful if you would just accept that when a poster who has no contact and uses the word estrangement to sum up their situation, regards the use of that noun to be appropriate rather than splitting hairs.

rosecarmel Mon 15-Jul-19 17:10:24

Nonnie, I understood you to mean one family member, not MANY- smile I used MANY to describe my own situation- I was clear about that -- see above-

The way I see it, I am fortunate to have wholehearted relationships with a few people- Sometimes I wish the number were greater, but accept that many people prefer not to discuss difficult situations, who prefer estrangement instead-

I honestly didn't consider it just sad to notice peoples disregard and distance when my husband passed- I found it perplexing more than anything else really- Neither he or I engaged in the practice of being traditionalists- It wasn't until he died that I realized just how many placed the responsibility on me to meet their expectations-

However, I chose not to do that-

Those who didn't concern themselves with expectations saw to making the effort to simply being together or connecting in whatever capacity appropriate-

I'm open to discussion, I answer my phone, my emails and texts -- eventually- My door is unlocked, nobody knocks, they know they are welcome, they just come in-

Nonnie Mon 15-Jul-19 15:38:19

rose once again it seems you have misunderstood my meaning. I am not talking about 'many people' I am talking about one close family member. That is very different, although I must be much luckier in my friendships that you because I was inundated with lovely messages from not only my own friends and relations but also many of my sons friends too. Even now some have mentioned what a difficult month this must be for me. It is very sad that you number the sort of person who doesn't say thank you amongst your family and friends. I am so sorry.

rosecarmel Mon 15-Jul-19 15:26:26

Nonnie, most definitely there are situations that arise where self preservation is the only priority- Walking away from a toxic situation, despite what one might be sacrificing as a result of walking away, is sometimes the safest option-

When my husband died MANY people didn't send condolences- There was no memorial service- No memorial service = no opportunity to express sorrow- Therefore, their refusal or disinterest is my doing- Not ..

I reached out to them instead- Offered both money and belongings- They accepted it- Not a single thank you was whispered-