ACEs (Adverse Childhood Experiences)

Yes there are many difficult experiences children face. What underlies the problem is whether or not a child feels Loved and Wanted.

Many changes in a child's brain my be undone in childhood and at a much quicker pace during development. It is harder for an adult and an adult brain to undo those changes, although possible with a good support network and loving relationships. For some that damage will never be undone and they are doomed to repetition.

The aim of ACE's is to work on a resolution for children in childhood and avoid some adult paths.

I actually said exactly that to my NM and brother many times "I don't feel loved and wanted by my own family". I said it in person, I said it in type and I said it by phone. The result was always the same. It was ignored completely. Not even an attempt to tell me I was wrong, just an attack on what was wrong with me. Children who feel unloved and unwanted grow into adults who feel unloved and unwanted even by themselves. I'm so glad I have been able to overcome that, even if it took too much of my adult life and estranging to accomplish it.

Interesting article.
Food for thought

My chldhood was truly bad, and I experienced a huge shock at the age of 14. There was no help available then, we just got on with it. I tried hard as an adult to overcome it and was determined I would be the best mother I could be. Luckily I have not had any estrangement from my children.
I think it has gone from being bad, because no help whatsoever was available, to now being too much over emphasised. It almost seems like every child must have some disadvantage or other which is then prodded and pursued to a point which is not, in my opinion, healthy.
There is too much labelling these days.
Nevertheless, I applaud the work that the ACE is doing
and wish that some help had been available to me, because although I have tried hard to rise above my bad start, I do know that my trauma still affects me these days and I have to try hard to stay upbeat.

I never felt loved or wanted by my parents, but there were other adults in my life, I haven’t carried any feelings of inadequacy through to adulthood, or at least I don’t think I have.
I’ve tried to be a better parent, but I’m sure I’ve made mistakes

Sara65 Everyone makes mistakes, if the love is there and your kids know you are sorry when you make them, I think everything probably turns out fine x

It’s not always as easy as it seems there can be many hidden reasons you can come from a loving caring attentive family as I did and still end up with hangups

"If the love is there and your kids know you are sorry when you make them, I think everything probably turns out fine". If only that were the case Starblaze.

They just don't stay kids forever, there is so much danger to adults too

I think part of the reason they didn't put something such as the death of a parent on there is because it's quite possible a child may have had a strong support system to help them cope with that.

Childhood stresses are generally divided into three categories: positive stress, tolerable stress, and toxic stress. Positive stress is "good" stress, such as starting school for the first time. It encourages learning and growth. Tolerable stress is stress that's harder to handle, but can be managed with good support. (Studies on resilience in children have demonstrated that the single most important factor in determine a child's resilience as the result of a stressful event was the continuous presence of a supportive caregiver.) Toxic stress is stress that can't be managed well - examples include abuse and parental substance use.

There is substantial evidence now that exposure to toxic stress, especially in the first three years of life, actually alters the way a child's brain is wired. While it is possible to correct some of these effects, it becomes more difficult over time. One of the major issues is that many of these toxic stressors don't occur in isolation (for example, a child may be abused because the parent has a substance use disorder), so the effect is cumulative.

If you (general) want to learn more about this topic, you might google "The Brain Story". There is actually an entire certification program you can take online, to learn more about the effects of ACEs and toxic stress on children's development and risk for problems. I have completed the certification as I thought it might be useful to my teaching (and there are some pieces I bring in when teaching pediatric nursing). It's very interesting.

It is fascinating-

“In fact, paradoxically, being treated cruelly allows some children to become more kind and empathic; not less. They know what it’s like to be hurt-and they want to protect others from such experience. Posttraumatic dysfunction or disability is not the only possible result of trauma-there’s also postraumatic growth. But it occurs only under certain circumstances.” Born for Love, pg 148, Szalavitz and Perry, 2010.

Ohmother

This is very true. We know, for example, that most abuse survivors never go on to become abusers. But we also know that the majority of abusers have a history of being abuse survivors.

Sorry. Confused by ‘most’ and ‘majority’ differences there.

Ah. Having a senior moment there. Re read and now I understand. ?

Fascinating. Birth order of siblings matter most when I give childhood a thought. My 4 daughters do not think they were raised the same, though all girls. One of my sils, estranged from his mum, says his mum thinks she raised her children the same, but didn't, birth order.

I know you can live in a family but all view it differently. One influence would be the stage the family’s at WHEN you were born.

I do wonder if as a child you go through childhood adverse experiences, does this make you 'accept' poor behaviour towards yourself. You feel vulnerable and insecure so therefore take whatever is dished out to you from family and so called friends. You crave being wanted and loved so will take it from anyone even though you may be treated badly. Comes down to not being confident enough to let people know what is acceptable and what is not. I think people see this in you and therefore know they can get away with treating you badly. Hence, relationships break down as they have got into such a bad way.

I have heard various times that adults who had volitile upbringings can make good security/police/nurses etc because they can spot who is "about to kick off" before they do, due to always being a bit alert to signs of trouble!

I scored 9 out of 10.
The only question where I answered no, was the one on sexual abuse.
I'm perfectly healthy. Never been seriously il. Not on any medication. Full of my own self importance and very very confident.

LoveOc
You ask if 'we' accept bad behaviour towards ourself.
When I found my ex husbands girlfriend hiding in my house, I broke his ankle. I was going for his head but he put his leg up: so no, i don't/ won't put up with bad behaviour.

I know I'm lucky in my outlook on life and that many who suffer as children do not have that.

I had a difficult childhood, centred mainly on illness and bullying at school. plus a lopsided view on life that often put me at odds with people (not abuse of any kind, just considered to be odd and awkward by my peers as well as adults.)

Far from crushing me, Like Petra, it made me resilient and gave me the wisdom to never to make a bad situation worse unless there was no reasonable (in my opinion) alternative.

I find this most interesting and am always curious about what makes us tick. It makes sense that early experiences and nuturing or lack, of affects us psychologically and can explain some of the way we behave as adults. I guess there are many reasons why some of us are more resilient than others, but importan to remember that our psychological make-up is also influenced by inherited genetic tendencies, and not wholly down to nurture.

Reading the last two posts from Petra and M0nica I took the test and scored quite high on ACE (my mother died during my childhood) but my resilience was almost perfect.

I always knew from a very young age that I was sensible and capable - we were brought up that way by my parents and no matter what’s happened since, I’ve coped, whereas I’ve seen friends who had a much easier early life than mine go to pieces in tough times.

There may be something in the phrase What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger!

We do not know what happened to others behind closed doors to affect their resilience. We can also go through multiple traumas and having love and support through childhood can boost resilience.

We can also recognise we were abused, yet be affected in ways we do not recognise. Borderline Personality Disorder is a good example of a condition caused by abuse or Narcissistic Personality Disorder may also be caused by abuse. Neither sufferer are likely to recognise either within themselves without professional help or at the very least, extensive research. Often a personality disorder is apparent by the symptoms and problems suffered by those around the sufferer.

Monica sounds like it was a good thing you didn't make contact with your ex husband's head.

My negative experiences in childhood and adulthood have made me resilient too. There's a lot to be said for what doesn't destroy you, makes you stronger.