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Estrangement and Elderly Abuse

(37 Posts)
Peonyrose Mon 14-Oct-19 06:25:27

It bothers me that to cut someone off when they are older, especially those that have no one but their child, is a form of abuse. I'm not on about cruel parents just the ordinary, loving mom or dad that's become a burden in one way or another? It's made me more aware to check on that person on their own. There should be more spoken about this, it's cruel. I do wonder sometimes what names some people tick.

bingo12 Tue 15-Oct-19 13:18:24

I had a near neighbour who was in her nineties - she did get support from relations - another neighbour used to urge me to visit her as company but she was thoroughly disagreeable and I stopped going!

Starblaze Tue 15-Oct-19 14:27:32

Walking away from a relationship is an end to treating someone badly. I very much doubt a genuine abusive person would do that for good. Silent treatment perhaps. I walked away and taught my children they don't need to put up with abuse.

Hithere Tue 15-Oct-19 15:59:32

Elder abuse is as real as carer abuse.

Just go to care&carers section of the forum and read the stories.

notanan2 Tue 15-Oct-19 16:56:04

Walking away from a relationship is an end to treating someone badly. I very much doubt a genuine abusive person would do that for good

Quite! People who wish to inflict harm seek proximity to their victims

notanan2 Tue 15-Oct-19 17:01:10

I also think that you cannot suddently materialise a close family support system just when it is beneficial to you. It has to be pre existing!

Often on here you see GPs lamenting that they dont see new baby GC as much as their friends see their GC. On questioning it often turns out that they had very little to do with their AC before they reproduced, but then expected to be in their inner fold when there was a child added to the mix.

The same goes for the elderly and infirm. A family that isnt close in times of wellness cannot easily become close in times of stress/illness/frailty!

I do think that some people lay in the med they made in that respect

notanan2 Tue 15-Oct-19 17:02:15

Lay in the "bed" they made..

Lying in the med sounds entirely more desirable grin

Witzend Tue 15-Oct-19 17:20:23

You are right of course, but it may also depend on the circs. I have heard of many cases where an elderly person in need of help/care, stubbornly and persistently refuses to accept it from anyone but a son or daughter - usually a daughter - even though they are well able to pay for it. The person 'won't have strangers in the house' or some such reason.

All very well if the daughter has the time and is happy to do it, but nowadays many do not, since they still need to work, and/or are needed to help look after grandchildren.

I know personally of one case where the elderly person, who was very well off, was just too tight to shell out, and expected family and friends to do it 'for love'.

PamelaJ1 Tue 15-Oct-19 17:24:45

Grannysyb, my mother has always said that too. She had 4 daughters. That’s what I call forward planning!
Thing is, she’s in her ninetys now and still hale and hearty. We are all there for her even though we don’t live on her doorstep.

notanan2 Tue 15-Oct-19 17:52:53

Oh yes Wixend its a common scenario

The parent firing carers and rehab etc because they "manage fine without it"

But their idea of managing fine without care = their family members making themselves ill doing it all!

They dont see family help as "care" even if family are doing full time care AND holding down jobs too!

notanan2 Tue 15-Oct-19 17:57:46

And it can go the other way. When an IL was dying she had sparce care but was absolutely mortified at the idea that any family would do personal care. All she had left was her dignity she said. So we did nothing but social visits because thats what she wanted. The carers must have thought we were reluctant to help in practical ways but that wasnt the case

Starblaze Tue 15-Oct-19 18:16:11

There is no way I will let my nildren wipe my bottom or shower me one day. Even if they are willing and able. I don't want their last memories of me that way. I want to be remembered as the mother who was alway there for them. That's who I am. Not a friend, not a burden... Their parent.