After estrangement?

Silly grandma, I didn't start this thread. I did respond though although an 'outsider' .
I do not understand that comment posted by Summerlove about someone trying even harder with a grandchild born whilst estranged. That close bond would not be there if you didn't know he or she existed. I never saw that post, however, who did post it is struggling and is trying her best. They don't need to be guilt tripped saying poor third child. I as an outsider have not felt excluded. There are always people who will find fault and pick at things, most however are kind and supportive, anyone estranged, for whatever reason, is on here because they need help.

Bobiminan
Fully understand your concerns.
But think that just loving the wee one and spending time with all the wee ones together will help to deepen your love . It could be that your afraid to love this child incase some day you're cut off again and left broken hearted.
It's a cruel situation to be in and unless you've walked a mile along that road it's difficult to understand the mixed emotions it through up. But folks on here fully understand. I hope you develop a deeper love and remain close to all. Good luck and best wishes to you.

Peony, my point was simply you don’t need to know someone as a newborn to have a bond with them.
The third child, met as an older child, will feel left out from grandparents who have connection with the older children, but then have to “try hard” to have a connection with the youngest.

It sounds like a way of punishing the parents through the children. “I adore the two oldest, but have to try so hard with the youngest because you didn’t give me the opportunity to love them as a newborn”. You see?

It happens with step families too. Step grandchildren are loved less because “we haven’t known you since birth”

I think, before long. The child will be loved just the same as the others.
Why wouldn't they be, once you get to know them?

Apologies for throwing all my toys out of the pram earlier!. Also sorry for lack of response, I've been away a few days for a friends funeral.

So many wise comforting words here. I'm starting to believe I'm not the heartless ogre I've been seeing myself as.

Trying to balance life with daughter is walking on hot coals, but it's this 'emotional distance' between myself and grandchildren I want to come to terms with. I don't believe I can force love to or from them. The years apart have put such a distance between us.

I really just needed a comfort blanket of knowing I'm not the only gran who, for whatever reasons, does not have the close bond I'd like with my grandchildren...

MissAdventure, I’d hope you would be correct, but I’ve seen too often that when people make a point to make a distinction, that the child is always treated as “other”.

Good luck bohemian, I wish you well

boheminan of course you're not "the heartless ogre" you've been seeing yourself as if you were, you wouldn't have started this thread.

You have sadly experienced the pain of estrangement and as a result are questioning what you think and feel. The harsh reality for you, and for any one of us who may be reconciled in the future, is that you have missed out on so much, and although they are your GC, they are in someways strangers to you, as you are to them.

It's the depth of your love for them that makes you feel the way you do and there's nothing wrong with that, or how you feel so please don't let anyone make you feel that it is wrong.

If a reconciled, previously estranged GP feels they have to try "so hard" because they were denied their GC from birth by the child's estranging parents Summerlove then so be it. That is the result of the estranging P's behaviour, it is not the fault or the responsibility of the GP.

I admire you boheminan for your courage as you attempt to balance your relationship with your D, and walk on the "hot coals" this requires while simultaneously seeking to be the GM to your GC that you want to be.

janeainsworth" my post of 1.11.19 @ 14.03 read "an untrue, unhelpful and unkind comment". I did *not say that you were untrue, unhelpful and unkind and most certainly wasn't hysterical when I posted. Angry yes, but hysterical, no.

Angry because a poster looking for comfort and support and having the courage to start a thread, was given the impression by you, that they would not be comforted and supported by those of us who are estranged, because she no longer is.

Smileless, That is the result of the estranging P's behaviour, it is not the fault or the responsibility of the GP perhaps. I suppose it depends on the reasons things went south.

What I can say, is that it’s the grandparents responsibility to treat all children equally.

If they don’t, they may find themselves estranged again for new reasons.

Angry because a poster looking for comfort and support and having the courage to start a thread, was given the impression by you, that they would not be comforted and supported by those of us who are estranged, because she no longer is

You misunderstood my post, Smileless.
I did not suggest or even imply that estranged grandparents would not offer the OP support and comfort.
If you read it again you will see that what I said was that non-estranged grandparents are sometimes made to feel unwelcome on the estranged threads. You of course are welcome to disagree, but this is the perception, that the estranged threads are only for estranged gp’s.

I was offering this as an explanation for the fact that there had been no responses so far on the thread, ie non estranged gps would be wary of venturing onto a thread entitled ‘After Estrangement’.
I did try to be helpful in my response to the OP and I apologise to Boheminan for inadvertently derailing her thread by the perhaps careless use of a word to which you took personal objection.

No estrangement but one of my children lives on the other side of the world. If/when they have kids I don't expect to see them that often so, of course, I won't feel as close to them as those I see very often.