I am so distraught I feel like I'm grieving

Sunflower.

So sorry for your situation. Have you written the ex DiL letter and told her how you feel? Worth a try?

I am fortunate, in that although I do not see some of my g.children very often, that is totally due to where they and I live, however, I do keep in touch with them and their parents,
However, many many years ago my own darling parents were in this situation. I had a much older brother and when he married and they had first a daughter and then a son, my parents were wonderful g.parents and although not needed to assist (back in those days most Mums stayed at home), they saw them every other weekend.
When the girl was 11 years old and the boy 9 yrs old, my brother and his wife emigrated. Afterwards we discovered it was to try to patch up their crumbling relationship (not the best way of doing it). It did not work and my Sister in law accidently became pregnant again, and refused my brothers request for her to have a termination,. Was the final straw and my brother returned to England abandoning his pregnant wife and two children in a foreign country.
My parents were totally devastated that he could behave like that. His wife's parents had to pay the money to get their daughter back home just after the baby was born (my brother never, ever saw that little girl). They also had to take them into their home.
Obviously and understandably disgusted with my brothers actions, they forbade my sister in law to have any contact with any of his family. This was extremely hard on my parents, and some years later I actually saw the announcement of the oldest child's wedding and took my parents to sit in the public gallery to watch their g,daughter walk down the aisle.
They missed the boys barmitzvah. as well as the close contact they had been so happy to have.
When my niece returned from her honeymoon, she contacted my parents and asked to come round with her new husband. She explained that whilst she had lived in her g.parents house, she had felt obliged to follow their wishes, but now she was setting up independently she wanted to resume contact with her fathers parents. From then onwards it was lovely, and my parents lived long enough to see her present them with a great g.son and a great g.daughter.
Many years later, long after they had died, my ex-sister in law, did apologise to me for that long enstrangement from my parents.
Just saying how it can get better no matter how bad it feels at present.

WOW Thanks so much for these responses I havent even got through them and feel a little better, Since posting i have seen them and shes agreed to weekends which is great, so why am i still sobbing at the very mention of them, I dropped them back to the farm and she was riding horses, had been out for lunch, had her nails done and told us her family is spoiling her, (they initially never saw her as they took her to south america and paid £30,000 to have an extremely late term abortions which was illegal all over the world aprt from here and africa,) following her return for obvs reasons my son was distraught but they obvs tried again, she was 17 and her parents told her that because my son was mixed race her kids would be down syndrome he would cheat on her and lots of extremly racist words were used yet she still tried to maintain some sort of contact which broke down when they locked her in her farmhouse and took the locks off the door and her phone which resulted i the police removing her, sound like a movie but all true anyway roll on a few years and we now have a beautiful 2.5 years old and a 1.5 year old, so it has been hard work for them and i took as much pressure as possible off them, and maybe treated the kids like my own (big mistakeas i am suffering now) I was extremly close to her and treated her like my own daughter she would get everything my daughters did, I laughed i cried with her and shed call me when ever she needed something, then the last few weeks my son has said shes been initiating a lot of small and stupid arguements which made him miserable and her, but she made her promises and she has come true on them now letting us see them, So why am i so sad about the whole situation, I just feel eventually we will be pushed out more and more and how can we compete with the lifestyle they will give them, as apparantly my granddaughter already has her own pony, and im worried as they get older they will want more that life and less ours and id planned so much for my grandchildren I know money cant buy love and they have lots and lots when with us, and i'm not sure why i'm over analysing everything as i want whats best for them and feel selfish for feeling like i need them back, I'm hoping i'm hormonal and it will pass, but for now its incredibly painful.

oh and he would be allowed access and ive saved the insane amount of messages were she describes him the best dad she has ever come across etc etc just in case any lies were made up

That's great news Looby at least now you know you'll get to see your GC.

Whatever time you get to spend with them and whatever you do, you'll be making memories and those memories will remain not just with you, but them too.

You've been through, and are still going through a very emotional and distressing situation so you're bound to be feeling sad.

Try not to worry about what the future may or may not bring. Enjoy the time you get to spend with them, the love that we have for our GC and the time spent with them is priceless.

That's an amazing story Franbern and bought tears to my eyes when I read that you'd taken your parents to the public gallery, so they could see their GD get married.

Even better that they got to know her and their GGC.

For those of us who are estranged we can only hope that one day we'll get to know our GC when they're old enough to make decisions for themselves.

An uplifting and positive post; thank you for sharing.

My heart was aching for you, Looby, and then I saw the good news that you got to see your GC and that the mum has agreed that you can see them on weekends. Also, that DS (dear son) will get access, so perhaps you will see them when he does, too. No doubt, there may be some changes as time moves on, but so far, things look good.

I can't blame you for still feeling sad. These kids were a big part of your life and now that's changed. You'll need time to adjust, but I'm sure you will, especially if you keep reaching out to us.

As for her parents, I think there initial reactions regarding race, etc. were horrible! I understand they may have been worried about their DD starting a family so young. But the racial bigotry is totally out of line. I don't blame you for fearing you may be pushed out, eventually, given their negative attitudes.

Please be careful, though, not to act needy - or standoffish - or it may lead to the very thing you fear. I've never been in your situation, so this is just off the top of my head. But I would suggest just being pleasant, enjoying your grands when you get them (that one's not hard, I know), and rolling w/ any punches (such as a change in schedule) when they come. Also, I think the earlier advice to make sure you have other interests in your life is still valid. For the sake of your won wellbeing, please try not to put all your emotional "eggs" in the GC "basket." And again, please keep in touch w/ us.

My heart was also deeply touched by all the sad stories here, including, of course, LL's story of her GC losing their mum....so heartbreaking...

I'm another one who thinks estrangement must be especially difficult for a GP who has been involved in raising their GC. No, these kids are not the GP's kids, and no, they are not raising them singlehandedly unless they have custody or the like. But if a GP takes care of their GC for several days a week or long hours, I can see where it may come to feel as if these are their children. It may not be true on paper, and, no doubt, the mind knows that, but the heart might not. This may be something we GPs need to be careful about if we're the go-to childminders, but, IMO, it's also something parents need to think about when they set up this situation.

That's an encouraging and heart warming story Franbern; it took a very long time to come full circle but, over time, their was some comfort for your parents and their grandchildren. You just never know how these things will pan out but, in your parents case, their was a happy ending.

Looby, I am so happy for you, that's great news! Try not to worry about the future, but enjoy the present moment, the special times and the memories. I believe that a loving relationship with GP will be more important than a wealthy lifestyle but hopefully the DGC will benefit from having both sets of GPs in their lives.

Also, your DS's former girlfriend is older, wiser, and more mature now - she can see what a positive and helpful influence you are, not only for her DC but for her too. Why wouldn't she want to keep you in their lives when you love them so much and have done so much for them?

The only thing I would say is that, delighted as you are to have them back in your lives, don't be a doormat or let yourself be used. Try to build a life which does not revolve solely round the DGC so that you have other things to occupy your mind and your time.

I do understand your concerns though. After a three year semi-estrangement, DD told me she was pregnant and then a couple of weeks later that she already had a 14 month old. The baby is due any day, so I will have gone from zero to two DGC in less than three months. It is taking a lot of coming to terms with but, like you, although I see this as progress, I am wary. I don't want to become attached to my DGC for the same situation to arise. I just don't want to put myself through it again. These fears are casting a big shadow over what should be a joyful time. I can see from this thread and others on GN that the pain of losing a DGC can be as intense as losing a DC and part of me just doesn't want to risk it. So I am 'playing it by ear' and trying to focus on the present, which is all any of us can do really.

Our family estrangement, which didn't start with a row or lack of interest on either side, lasted 12 years, and ended as weirdly as it had begun. Hoping that your estrangement finishes soon. Do not give up.

Looby33, my heart breaks for you. Please, as has been suggested on here, get some help. Many charities run excellent counselling services now, get help with that from your GP. It WILL get more manageable, it takes time and keep close to your family and friends for support. Never be ashamed of your feelings, you are not OTT, you are suffering deeply and need help. We all speak from experience on Gransnet, you are NOT alone.

If you have an address send a weekly card to each with a little message and maybe a picture of a park you used to visit or you garden, to keep them aware that you are still thinking of them.
Also include a note for their mother it maybe her parents that are baking things difficult for her and between you, you may be able to come to some kind of arrangement at a later date to maybe meet up at a local child friendly cafe or restaurant for coffee and cakes occasionally or something.
If you're sun is uñable to see the children he to will be grieving, try and h lo each other.
Keep friendly with the mother, try and find a little something to go out for, maybe a class, some volunteer work or just a trip to the library to get a book and browse the newspaper.
Please keep talking to people and see your doctor due help with the depression and suicidal feeling, you will feel better having off loaded.
Whatever you do don't hide away on your own, I did this for several weeks a few years ago when I lost a job and I felt terrible. It was hard to rejoin the world but so worth it.

Good luck and sending hugs. Xx