Gransnet forums


Xmas presents?

(275 Posts)
hopeful1 Wed 27-Nov-19 16:03:15

One year and no contact. Do I buy Grandchildren xmas presents or not?

agnurse Wed 27-Nov-19 16:46:48

I think it depends on how the situation started.

If you were specifically told not to contact them, then no, don't send anything.

If it just simply came out of nowhere, and there was no specific request not to contact, then you might consider it. But don't try to go to their home, or include a card or note talking about how bad you feel. That's likely to create even more issues.

Smileless2012 Wed 27-Nov-19 17:23:32

Who would the presents be for hopeful? If you're thinking about your EAC then I would advise against it. If you're thinking of GC you're unable to see due to the estrangement, I would stick to a Christmas card.

If they receive them and are old enough to read and understand, they'll know you're still thinking of them.

We buy 2 for each GC, one is posted and the other goes into their memory box.

Gonegirl Wed 27-Nov-19 17:25:38

This thread is unbelievably sad.

Gonegirl Wed 27-Nov-19 17:27:08

But don't try to go to their home, or include a card or note talking about how bad you feel. That's likely to create even more issues

Are there now set rules for how to behave if this thing happens to you?

Septimia Wed 27-Nov-19 17:52:05

The memory box is a good idea.

Or you could put the money in a savings account and make sure that it is left to them in your will - when they are adult and their parents can't stop them having it.

A letter, too, for them to inherit or for you to send when they are adult, telling them that you've never stopped thinking of them or caring about them. Maybe include some family stories/history in it.

Chewbacca Wed 27-Nov-19 17:56:55

I think money in a savings account is an excellent idea. It's something that canbe added to at any time and is a nice little nest egg for them when they will really need it.

Are there now set rules for how to behave if this thing happens to you.

Allegedly, there is Gonegirl hmm

Sara65 Wed 27-Nov-19 17:57:01

Oh Gonegirl, I agree, so sad, but as you say, is there a proper procedure? Can you not just buy some presents, or send a card? Not necessarily delivering them yourself, but just say you’re thinking about them?

I don’t know any of your circumstances hopeful, but I’m so sorry you are in this situation.

Gonegirl Wed 27-Nov-19 17:59:39

I would be out of my mind if I hadn't seen my grandsons for a whole year. sad

Chewbacca Wed 27-Nov-19 18:01:01

Just a thought hopeful; is there a family friend or family member who might be able to discreetly ask on your behalf perhaps? If you could find out, that would help in knowing the best course to take.

Chewbacca Wed 27-Nov-19 18:03:19

Me too Gonegirl, but it seems be an ever more common occurrence these days. It is, as you say, very sad indeed. For both grandparents and the children who probably aren't even involved.

Smileless2012 Wed 27-Nov-19 18:16:07

It's a nightmare Gonegirl; 7 years for us and the 8th Christmas coming up.

There is no procedure Sara or rule book you can only do what you believe to be right. I know some say that even sending cards to your GC is wrong and harassing your EAC, but it's such a small thing and for many of us the only thing we can do as GP's.

Choosing the cards is no easy task and can be embarrassing when trying not to cry in the shop where you're buying them fromsad.

agnurse Wed 27-Nov-19 18:25:47

If you've been told not to contact someone, and you insist on showing up to their home or sending them notes about how bad you feel about the estrangement, it's pretty clear that the whole thing is about you. That's a demonstration that you don't really care about them, their boundaries, or their preferences. It's all about making yourself feel better, and getting back the relationship that you want.

If you truly want to have an adult relationship, you don't attempt to guilt-trip someone to get what you want. That just demonstrates that they had even more justification to not want contact with you.

grapefruitpip Wed 27-Nov-19 18:27:19

a small token fun thing?

Chewbacca Wed 27-Nov-19 18:27:32

Yes, yes agnurse, you've told us. Repeatedly. We get it.

Smileless2012 Wed 27-Nov-19 18:32:01

What does that have to do with this thread? No one's talking about going to their home or sending notes saying how awful you feel.

The OP asked about sending, not personally delivering, but sending her GC Christmas presents. There's been talk of sending cards, again not hand delivered but sent.

The only person so far who has mentioned going to their EAC's home and/or writing notes about how bad they feel is you.

Sara65 Wed 27-Nov-19 18:36:59

But if you make no effort at all, they may think you just don’t care anymore.

I think the adult children have a perfect right to have no contact, and they may have very good reasons, but it’s so, so sad to drag the children into it.

Smileless2012 Wed 27-Nov-19 18:46:00

Yes it is Sara. We know of some GP's whose son cut them out but continued to see their GC. They'd take them for days out and even have sleep overs.

If they saw their son when they were out and the children weren't with him, he'd totally blank them. A difficult situation to navigate but as you say "sad to drag the children into it".

Gonegirl Wed 27-Nov-19 18:47:26

It's bloody Mumsnet that started all this off. angry

Ziggy62 Wed 27-Nov-19 18:50:04

I don't and haven't since 2012

Chewbacca Wed 27-Nov-19 19:03:40

I think the adult children have a perfect right to have no contact, and they may have very good reasons, but it’s so, so sad to drag the children into it.

This 100%.

Starblaze Wed 27-Nov-19 19:23:46

I would suggest not sending anything. It will just be confusing for the children at this point. Instead maybe set up a savings account instead, then if the parents do allow you back into the children's lives you can treat them to a day out or something fun with it. Otherwise it may just be a waste of time and money if the presents don't get where they are meant to and you will be waiting hoping for a reply of some sort that doesn't come.

Sara65 Wed 27-Nov-19 19:28:38


How old are the children?

endlessstrife Wed 27-Nov-19 19:47:28

OP, there’s so little information in your post, it’s hard to give an opinion. What’s your understanding of how all this started? Did your AC request you not to contact them for any reason? How old are the children? Did you have good relationships with them before any problems with their parents? Sorry to bombard you, but we could be talking years of a building resentment, or just one argument over something trivial.

mosaicwarts Wed 27-Nov-19 20:04:31

I second the saving scheme and an acknowledgement in your will.

My late husband's 7 year old son from his first marriage was not given any of the cards or gifts my late MIL/FIL sent for many years without acknowledgement, so in the end they stopped. They did try to phone many times, long distance in those days, and received very curt responses from the ex wife's mother. I met his son for the first time at my husband's funeral, he had no idea they had tried to maintain contact and it was blocked. As a 40 year old, he was greatly saddened by it.