Xmas presents?

I stopped speaking to my mother a long time ago, but my husband continued to visit her with the children, and although she’s a couple of hours away, he still visits with two of the children and the grandchildren a few times a year, and one daughter is quite close to her, and sees her quite often.

What happened is between me and her, I would never have tried to stop her having a relationship with my children.

What happened is between me and her, I would never have tried to stop her having a relationship with my children.

Ditto Sara65, I was of the same mindset as you. But when my DC got to their teens, they made independent decisions not to go any more. Nevertheless, they were able to have a relationship with their GPS for as long as they wished.

Chewbacca

One of my daughters has a genuine relationship with her, she has always been the favourite.
I don’t think the others would bother if my husband didn’t arrange it, and our grandchildren find it all very odd.

My eldest 2 made their own decision, my youngest was a very late surprise and too small to remember her so I did make the decision for him knowing he didn't have a relationship to lose and knowing that NM had screwed up the relationship with my the oldest and didn't deserve any more chances. They might change their minds one day though and that's fine, I wouldn't try to stop them

Well, I suppose it does seem a bit odd to children really! But it's good that one of your daughters has maintained a good relationship with her GM and that's hats off to you for being the bigger person Sara. My DC went to see GPS for a couple of years and I even used to drop them off and pick them up nearby on the odd occasion, but something changed apparently and I was told that they didn't want to go anymore. They've never referred to it since.

We could all hope that we could live an a world where parents always do the right things by their children but individual stories are just so different.

It's lovely to see posts here where even though there has been estrangement, not all GP's lost contact with their GC. That contact continued and it was left to the children to make their own decisions when old enough, whether or not to continue with the relationship.

You all have my respect and admiration.

Thank you for your comments. The children range from 1 to 11. We had a fantastic relationship until I met a new man and my family hate him. Their father died years ago. To cut a long story short my children said I had to choose between them or the man, they are nearly 40! I didnt realise they would withdraw the children too. I'm now without children and 4 GC and no amount of begging will get them back. Heartbroken is an understatement.

Making someone choose between the people they love is so cruel hopeful. They can only hope that their children don't do the same to them in the future.

Strewth hopeful, that's damned unfair. Your AC have families and lives of their own and should be glad that you've had a 2nd chance at happiness for yourself. And there's no saying that, even if you got rid of your new partner, that your AC would be any less condemning, is there? Have they explained what their problem is with him?

That seems very harsh Hopefull, what extreme measures to go to, it’s not like they’re children, and have to live with the man .

What a strange reason to end a relationship. Does he treat you well hopefull? Was he kind to them?

Memory box seems best idea. Seems to me that little point sending. If their parents have chosen to estranged, their viewpoint is clear and therefore the GC wont get the presents

Why do they dislike your new partner? Sometimes it’s important not to cut the long story short, especially when discussing estrangement. My view is that if someone has chosen to stop speaking to you that means they don’t want to receive gifts from you to their household either. It’s somewhat antagonizing to send things to someone who requests zero contact. And minor children are the responsibility of their parents and thus they decide who they have contact with as well. At eleven the eldest child has clear memories and opinions of you so not sending a present won’t alter the relationship any further, and shes likely a few years away from making her own decisions about contact. And a 1 year old doesn’t need or understand presents let alone receiving a gift from someone they no longer see or remember. In the middle- if you someday reconcile you can explain that you thought of them but didn’t want to upset their parents.

I agree with outsidedave.

Well said OutsideDave.

Especially the question of, "Why do they dislike your new partner?" and I would like to add to that, do they have a reason to?

I once read an estrangement story that started out as the mom got a new man and the kids said, "It's either him or Us." which sounded harsh even to me.

As the story progressed, he (the 'new man' to mom) turned out to be a RSO (Registered Sex Offender) and his offences were aimed at minor/underage children. Mom said, "I trust him and I will never allow him to be alone with the kids. What are you worried about?" And then was 'confused' as to why her children went NC and refused her access to the grand-kids... I am paraphrasing the content to get my point across.

My point is, there may be a time when saying, "Pick 'that person' or Us. You can't have both." IS appropriate. And 'supervised' or not I would NEVER put any child, under my care, into physical contact with someone who has a history of abusing children OR someone who enables an abuser by thinking, "I'm here. That person will be different now."

Outsidedave Why do they dislike your new partner? Sometimes it’s important not to cut the long story short, especially when discussing estrangement.

That is a good point outsidedave. The reasons may be relevant or may not.

Smileless I too think it is good to hear of stories where people have not imposed their own decision on others but allowed them to make up their own mind in appropriate circumstances

Holy Hannah .As the story progressed, he (the 'new man' to mom) turned out to be a RSO (Registered Sex Offender) and his offences were aimed at minor/underage children..........My point is, there may be a time when saying, "Pick 'that person' or Us. You can't have both." IS appropriate. And 'supervised' or not I would NEVER put any child, under my care, into physical contact with someone who has a history of abusing children OR someone who enables an abuser by thinking, "I'm here. That person will be different now."

I see your point in the specific circumstances you describe; I have seen a small number of cases on here where that issue has been raised as part of an estrangement story

No he is not an offender of any sort, they preferred the man I was seeing before!

Yes but them gifts ,I did not have contact for many years but I always sent them Christmas and birthday gifts a and surprise parcel through the year. Keep in contact so they know you haven't forgotten them. Good luck for the future
I am now back in contact with

I agree Lindylou, it would be horrible for the children to think you didn’t bother anymore. I can’t imagine the pain of the situation, but I think I’d have to keep trying.

I’d send cards and small presents, so that the children know they’re in your thoughts. I hope your problems are just temporary.

For those with long estrangements, Septimia’s suggestion of writing
a letter for grandchildren to receive later, with family history/stories in, is an excellent one. I’m (slowly) filling in a Grandparents’ Journal in triplicate for my AC to pass to their children, though thank God there’s no estrangement involved.

I never knew anything about my maternal grandparents. My mother didn’t talk about them and I never saw a single photo of them or their own families. Of course it’s easy enough to find out names and dates of our ancestors these days, but there’s a great big black hole in our family knowledge, and that of my children, grandchildren, etc, that can never now be filled in. You know when you find yourself wondering who a child looks like, or where that particular habit or look came from? Simple things, but important.

What’s wrong with the new man to have prompted such a reaction?

Sorry * hopefull *, just seen your response to this question further up. It’s a difficult one, but you’re entitled to happiness after bereavement. Two years is a respectable amount of time to ‘ wait’. I think you’ve just got to leave it for now, and pray they’ll soften over time. Your GC have already had good relationships with you, and they will start to ask questions. They may not be very happy they were prevented from seeing you simply because their parents didn’t like your partner. I’m assuming you’ve discussed this as much as possible, to the point of exhaustion. Try not to panic, and just get on with your life.

Agnurse has some great advice.

There's no poibt of sending anything to people whom you are no contact with.

I've also never understood why anyone would send gifts/cards to children whose parents they don't even get along with. Whats the expectation in doing this? And what message does it send to the children?
Plus the fact that one sends anything, doesn't necessarily mean that the children will get them as these items will pads through the parents first.

I've also never understood why anyone would send gifts/cards to children whose parents they don't even get along with.

Because they love them?