Xmas presents?

Good news, Ziggy! Glad to hear it! Sometimes patience does win out, after all.

smileless2012 It is a lovely early Christmas present, something I never thought would happen.

hope it gives others on here a bit of hope.

I'm so pleased that you are once again seeing your son and re-building your relationship Ziggy; an early Christmas present and the best by far.

It's also good to hear that this year you're 'allowed' to send Christmas presents. I hope they're gratefully received and you are thanked for them.

'Merry Christmas'.

sorry I haven't read all the posts.
I posted on first page of this thread saying I don't send cards or presents and haven't done so since 2012.

My DIL stopped me seeing grandchildren in august 2012 a few weeks after my dad died.

Sadly I hadn't seen my son since 2016 due to his addiction problems. We met up a month ago and thankfully are re-building our relationship, something I thought would never happen

Anyway I am "allowed " to send Christmas gifts this year

So to all those coping with estrangement, don't give up hope

Merry Christmas

I find it to be disrespectful to send to EGC, they do not want contact.
Maybe EGC will reach out later in life.

Bravo, hopefull! I think you have handled this issue very well. IMO, you were wise to ask if it was ok to send anything. As far as I know, you have never been told "no contact," so you weren't breaking any stated boundary. Plus, it shows respect for their wishes for their kids. I'm sorry you got no reply, but I agree w/ those who say the silence is an answer - a very loud one, I'm afraid. To me, it says, "NC, period,' even though it hasn't been said in so many words.

I'm sorry about that, too, but I think your solution is excellent for all the reasons other posters have mentioned! you're respecting your AC's boundary while still giving to your GCs. Beautiful!

Moving forward, I wish you the best for your life, overall, and hope there's a reconciliation eventually.

Happy Holidays, everyone!

So it looks like a point of agreement has been found! ?

Thank you all for your interesting views. I tried to contact DD and ask if it was ok to send anything but as predicted there has been no reply. I will leave them alone, I really dont want to upset the children anymore than they have been. Have opened savings accounts for each of the GC and will put money in for birthdays etc.. I love each of them so much and hope one day to see them again

Great! This sounds like a very reasonable solution. Hopefully you get to reconcile with both your ACs and resume to having a relationship with your GC.

Starblaze how awful it must have been for you.

Although in a way, it was best for me that that boundary was not respected as it was impossible for me to sort out how I was feeling while being harassed. That harassment tipped the balance into a nervous breakdown that got me sent to a psychiatrist who saved my life.

Madgran I think it is the right decision to give them the space they have asked for in the future. From my perspective I asked simply for space before NC. The fact that not even that small boundary was respected while I sorted out my feelings and addressed my own needs was exactly what forced me to become NC for good.

Thankyou Chewbacca and Hithere

I agree with you, it is a wise decision particularly because "It demonstrates that her GC were at the forefront of her thoughts, although she wasn't able to physically be with them at the time of their birthdays/Christmas etc."

Madgran, I am an Estranged Adult Child. It was my decision to cut my family off and I have no regrets, angst or inner turmoil about that; it's a decision that I'm very comfortable with. I'll try to answer your question, from that perspective:

I think that hopeful has made an excellent decision in opening a bank account t for her GC. It covers all options. In the event that she is reconciled with her family; the bank account is there, ready and waiting for her GC to access. It demonstrates that her GC were at the forefront of her thoughts, although she wasn't able to physically be with them at the time of their birthdays/Christmas etc.

In the event that there is no reconciliation with her family, she will be able to add to the account on birthdays etc, thus "recognising" the event and feeling that she's "doing something". The family won't be affected by her putting money aside because they wont know anything about it and no boundaries will have been crossed. It will only become apparent when the GC are themselves adults and able to make independent decisions for themselves and possibly make contact with her by their own volition.

It is an excellent compromise and one that I would have been quite comfortable for my own estranged family to have done for my DC if they'd chosen to. They chose not to. And that's fine; I've no problem with that at all. My feeling is that I chose to cut them off and therefore I have no expectation of receiving anything from them at all. You'd have to ask my DC what they think about it but I doubt it's ever crossed their minds.

Hopeful's decision - thumbs up

*I am genuinely interested to know what ACs who have been commenting on this thread think of the decision that Hopeful has come to? Is it a compromise? Is it wrong because.....? Is it right because.....?

I ask because I have been thinking about all the widely different viewpoints on Hopefuls original question and I dont know if the solution she has found might be something where those differing viewpoints could find a point of some agreement?*

This was my question a few posts back. The following posts got caught up in a discussion about not answering/answering a question.

Hopeful has made a decision NOT to send Xmas cards/presents but has " opened savings accounts for each of the GC and will put money in for birthdays etc.. I love each of them so much and hope one day to see them again"

It would be interesting to hear people's views on that decision in Hopeful's situation....?? .

That's cool we can agree to disagree though Smileless2012 Let's not get heated over it, eh. We are all on our own journey, and we all get there in the end, one way or another.

And I am only expressing my opinions.

OK Hithere well I wouldn't use something as horrible as that as an example, but each to their own. Giving an opinion on another's post is neither policing of controlling. If it were, there'd be very little here to read.

Well I don't think you did ananimous.

These are only my opinions

No-one has offended me.

I did cover that in my last post @Smileless2012 (When a pig has a baby - it gets muddy like the mother)

Don't take it out of context
My idea of not nice message is not something I would ever send. It was an example.
Policing what and how other posters write is controlling
Of course, if anybody is offended by my posting it, feel free to report it.

You appear to have addressed your last post to me ananimous yet not responded to my question as to why all EAC appear to be seen as innocent and all EP's/EGP's as toxic.

No Hithere. Don't tell me I am saying things in my posts that I'm not. Nice would be 'please don't send anything and respect our wish to be left alone'.

Your idea of a message "that is not nice" is my idea of a message that I wouldn't send to my worse enemy, and I don't see why you would think it necessary to post such a thing here, where there are GN's dealing with their decision to estrange their parents, and parents and GP's dealing with the fact they have been estranged.