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A Breakdown of Family Estrangement

(171 Posts)
Madgran77 Mon 02-Dec-19 15:45:26

I saw a reference to this in an article in the paper a while ago. I looked it up and saved the link but have only just got around to reading it. I thought that others on this forum might find it interesting

BlueBelle Mon 02-Dec-19 16:00:33

Says page not found.... to me

Namsnanny Mon 02-Dec-19 16:01:38

Thanks madgran ... I’ll read it later, as I’m on the move at the mo!?

Summerlove Mon 02-Dec-19 16:07:24

I did a quick search on the site for you BlueBelle smile

Now off to read

Smileless2012 Mon 02-Dec-19 16:55:20

Thanks for doing that Summerlove as I got 'page not found' too.

Yes it was very interesting Madgrantchsmile.

Summerlove Mon 02-Dec-19 16:59:17

You’re welcome smile

Starblaze Mon 02-Dec-19 17:52:12

Estrangement is just sad. I wouldn't be in this situation if I could just get NM to really hear me. The first few times things were headed south, there were tiny breakthroughs where I saw the real person underneath and she became quite vulnerable, then the msk went back on even stronger than before. At the end though I think all the lies she told to other family caught up to her and she just became a brick wall. Or bricked herself into a corner I suppose. I feel like there was a time when if she had just stopped, it would have been OK. She could have undone the damage. The person I was then. I would probably have taken the blame for her and been the reformed one who previously had the problem, just to keep the relationship. It was the lies to cover her escalating treatment of me that destroyed any chance. I'd have had to be a monster to fix it. I've become a person who absolutely hates lying as a result and I literally can't do it. Even white lies. Maybe except Santa etc lol

I do wonder if somewhere that vulnerable person is underneath, knowing the truth but maintaining the mask stops her from ever truly moving on and she will be stuck that way till she dies, lying to herself.

Smileless2012 Mon 02-Dec-19 17:55:27

I found some of the statistics interesting for example estrangement from a son tending to last longer on average than estrangement from a daughter.

5.2 years on average being the maximum when it's with a son; oh dear almost 2 years more than that for ustchsad.

Madgran77 Mon 02-Dec-19 17:59:01

Sorry the link didn't work and thankyou Summerlove for rectifying it.

Smileless2012 Mon 02-Dec-19 18:01:19

That's OK Madgran, I couldn't 'do a link' if my life depended on ittchgrin.

Madgran77 Mon 02-Dec-19 18:05:40

Smileless Ha ha ha! I now want to know what I did wrong though...any advice Summerlove?

Starblaze Mon 02-Dec-19 18:06:36

79% saying that the relationship could never become functional was much higher than I expected given how long I thought it could. I suppose I am one of them now.

Madgran77 Mon 02-Dec-19 18:10:33

Effecting Reconciliation
"When asked what it would take to bring about a reconciliation, the most popular answer was that the parents need to take responsibility. Presumably, this means responsibility for whatever the parents did that led to the estrangement. The problem is that many parents say that they are in the dark about what went wrong. Among the parents participating in an Estranged Stories survey, 60% said that their children had never "concretely shared" their reasons for cutting off contact."

Isn't that an interesting mirrors so many of the conversations on this forum. It comes from the "For Parents who are estranged from their children" article of the website on the link I posted above

Granniesunite Mon 02-Dec-19 18:13:04

We then have another year and eight months to go by these figures.

Don’t know how we will get through that It’s so debilitating.
I admire and take strength from the support and wise advice on here.

Thank you to all who are living this hurt but still have empathy and a desire to help others.

That takes courage.

Madgran77 Mon 02-Dec-19 18:16:49

I found some of the statistics interesting for example estrangement from a son tending to last longer on average than estrangement from a daughter.

Yes I thought that was interesting too Smileless

Summerlove Mon 02-Dec-19 18:27:53

madgran, they likely just changed the link from when you saved it. My version had a lot more numbers at the end.

I found it an interesting article.

Smileless2012 Mon 02-Dec-19 18:28:20

Yes a very interesting quote Madgran especially when you think how often we've seen EP's here on GN ridiculed and not believed when we say we've never been given their reasons for cutting us out.

Oh Granniesunite not necessarilytchsad. You'll get through it, you may not ever understand how you managed it but you will.

We need to be here to support and help one another as best we can.

It takes courage to get up each morning and face another day. That's what you're doing, so you have courage tooflowers.

Summerlove Mon 02-Dec-19 18:31:52

Without trying to cause debate, I think “reasons” being shared/not being shared comes down to different communication styles most of the time.

I’ve told my loved ones reasons I’m upset at different points, and they mirror back something completely different than what I’ve said.

It’s happened the other way too.

Communication is so easy to screw up.

Madgran77 Mon 02-Dec-19 18:43:56

Summerlove I agree that sometimes it may well be communication styles. However I think it isn't always that, reading some of the stories on here.

Ok re link; don't know why mine didn't have numbers

Starblaze Mon 02-Dec-19 18:47:13

If you google "Stand Alone, Hidden Voices" a pdf comes up, it has an awful lot more info and is very interesting

here is a link

Starblaze Mon 02-Dec-19 18:47:33

Thats the people who did the survey

Summerlove Mon 02-Dec-19 19:14:39

Madgran, absolutely, communication failure isn’t always the reason. There are outliers like the ones we see here.

I’d never say is “always” one thing or another. I just think most often, it’s a series of miscommunication issues, then you get too far down a path that it’s like you are speaking two languages.

Chewbacca Mon 02-Dec-19 19:22:49

"it’s a series of miscommunication issues, then you get too far down a path that it’s like you are" "speaking two languages".

That's it in a nutshell Summerlove.

Madgran77 Mon 02-Dec-19 19:30:52

"Hidden Voices "- yes that has been posted on the forum before but a while ago now. It has some very interesting statistics and information I agree Starblaze

notanan2 Mon 02-Dec-19 19:32:52

I dont think people say why they are going NC at the point of going NC because by that point they have by definition given up on talking...

... doesnt mean the issues that caused then to go NC weren't previously brought up! Problem is, if those issues were dismissed at the time, the person who is estranged is unlikely to associate the two.

Doesnt mean the estranger never said what the problem was IYKWIM. And having had it previously brushed off/denied/pooh-pooed, they know better than to bother bringing it up again.