DH an EAC - my children

Be very cautious. My paternal grandmother was a nasty person who was furious when her children married. She especially hated that my Mum was Irish! She eventually got what she wanted and split my parents up. She would deliberately let her badly trained dog loose on me knowing how frightened I was. She even inferred that I was a tart when I was 10 years old and still reading Famous Five books. Luckily my other Gran was totally different.

I agree Chewbacca I just can't understand why any GP fortunate enough to be in their GC's lives would be disinterested. What we wouldn't give to be a part of ours.

I've never really looked at it that way @Chewbacca, it's just really sad. I'm sure that isn't what she would say but I know the truth x

An indifferent, uninterested GP is worse than an absent GP imo. Children struggle to understand why someone who is supposed to love and care for them is just not bothered about them and has very little/no interest. From my experience, they keep trying to catch their GP's attention and then worry that they've done something "wrong". Flyingfree, you're children are best off without their GPS.

I just don't understand why a GM wouldn't want to see her GC.

We don't know ours because we're not allowed any contact with them and it's been that way for 7 years now. I suppose if the GP's don't care the GC are better off without them.

That's so sad. My mum always said she just wasn't that maternal. I said she could see my children but she didn't want to and then she moved and I don't know where she is now. You both sound lovely and I'm sure your babies will be fine x

He sounds like Mr. S. betty.

Hopefully by not going to see his parents you can avoid drama and difficulties. The Father Christmas visit and panto sound great; have fun.

Thank you everyone. Focusing on getting on with enjoying Christmas. We have Father Christmas visit coming up and panto.

Starylady - trying not to dwell on it but unfortunately DHs parents are not averse to drama or being difficult. DH is Grade A in avoiding awkward situations or smiling through anything.

Hmmm... It sounds like they're aiming for a brief visit in a public place, anticipating/fearing drama. While I get that, given the bad history, I also agree that it's as if they are treating you two as an "afterthought."

Regardless, IMO, you are right to follow DH's lead in this. If he doesn't feel comfortable w/ this idea, then there's no point in meeting them.

IMO your DH is right not wanting to go betty; stay away and enjoy this time of the year with your DH and your lovely children.

Don't give them or their card a second thought; they don't deserve your time.

What an odd request. I wonder how they are spinning that in their own minds. I think you are right to support your husband. Even wanting a relationship with these people, allowing them to treat you like an afterthought would not bode well for the future.

We received a card asking to see us at a train station several hours from our house a few days before Christmas. DH doesn't want to go so I'm gently supporting him in this.

The letter was clear that we would be meeting them in between their interconnecting trains after they have been visiting friends. I'm not quite sure what to make of it.

Thank you @love0c this is lovely advice which I'm following.

Good advice love0c

I can understand you thinking about it again as it was near a Christmas you last heard from them. Your husband loves you and his two girls very much and simply can not understand why his parents do not want to have a relationship with them. I can't understand it. From what you tell us this must be the case as why would they bother to write a letter but make it a nasty one? If you are going to make contact you do it to end the estrangement surely/ or certainly because you want things to be better? If they make contact again I would let your husband decide and you can support him and listen to how he wants to proceed. You can very gently give your opinion if it is very different to your husband. Sometimes one needs to see the bigger picture and that is so hard to do when you are hurting and feeling very emotional. Stop worrying now as it may never even happen. Enjoy your Christmas together!

It sounds as though you and your children are much better off without them in your lives. As your husband rightfully has no interest in ending the estrangement, it seems odd you are even worrying about what they might do- your husband hasn’t changed his mind; and just because they finally come calling doesn’t mean you should rush to reunite. I would definitely not involve your children without your husbands complete support and not for several years of solid and steady improvement in any new relationship between the adults. I’d focus on enjoying the family you have and not worry about those that have elected to not be involved.

So sorry you're in this situation, betty. IMO, you have gotten a lot of good advice here regarding IF your ILs try to reconnect. Also, I understand your worry about their going NC again and, this time, hurting your DDs. However, I think you've come up w/ the solution to that, by saying you would keep the kids out of it at first. I would add I would keep the contact low for a long time.

I think it's interesting that your ILs have also CO their own parents (both sets? his and hers?). And that you and DH are still friendly w/ those parents/his GPs/your DDs' GGPs. Is it possible they see your continued relationship w/ their parents as a kind of betrayal? I'm sure these relationships were not maintained for that reason, but perhaps that's how your ILs see it? If that's so, and they are still NC w/ their parents, then I doubt they will truly reach out to you any time soon.

Or maybe DH tried to intercede on the part of his GPs? If he had/has a really good relationship w/ them, it's not surprising. But if he did, perhaps that's why his parents are angry at him (and you, by extension)? Again, if so, chances are they won't be extending any olive branches in the near future.

Then again, perhaps they are just odd people who get offended by everyone. In that case, I realize it's harder to know what they might do. It doesn't sound as if they are going to try to reconcile, but I agree it's good to be prepared.

Besides, I think this season tends to make us all think back on family history, etc., good or bad. Now that you have some ideas of how to handle a possible attempt at resuming contact, please try to relax and enjoy this colorful season.

I don't understand why you're dwelling so deeply on this. Surely after 5 years of bo contact this can't be healthy for you, your husband or your children. Though it seems unlikely that they'll contact you all, I'd suggest that you move on with your life and deal with the issue of them re-establishing contact if and when it happens.

You can't allow yourself to be stuck in the past this way to the extent of re-creating possibilities and being so apprehensive about the unknown.

Once your children are of appropriate age, if they do ask you tell them the truth. Don't lie or make up stuff for children never forget - eventhough some adults think they do. (These are the adults that typically accuse their children of re-writing history, when they most likely aren't).

From your story it looks like they haven't been very pleasant to be around anyways. Don't reach out to them at all. Especially after 5 years of no contact. Something I always tell EGP is that everyone reserves a right to be left alone - this includes GP who wish to discontinue contact with their AC (for any reason). I'm sure they know how to contact their son.

Also no one wakes up and goes NC for no reason. If you look back there has to be something that created tension, or conflict that was never quite resolved.

What's best for your children is a health mom and dad. Children need their parents. Grandparents are not a necessity, and many children flourish just fine without them.

bettydl, I think you are projecting your kind and forgiving heart onto people that don't seem to have one.

Ah, it makes sense that you're apprehensive at this time if year then bettydyl; I'd be the same. Your husband sounds a decent and kind man and has more experience of his parents past behaviour. If your IL's make contact with you again, I'd let him deal with them. They most certainly haven't earned a place within the heart of your family. Fingers crossed they'll leave you in peace this Christmas and beyond.

@Chewbacca - we've had one letter since they stopped contact with us (sent around Christmas) which was really quite nasty (not an olive branch, or even neutral) so I always feel apprehensive this time of year.

@love0c - husband is much less open to the estrangement ending than I am. He is very loyal to us and is devastated and angry that they've made no effort to get to know our children. I'd be open to seeing them and decided a long time ago that I wouldn't draw any lines in the sand (ie demanding an apology, explanation, wanting my side to be heard). I'd simply want to see that they would want to try and get along with us and understand the situation was sensitive with the girls.

Many different opinions. What does your husband think/feel? Would he like this estrangement to end? I am assuming he is still quite young really as your children are still only small.

Rotten situation to be in bettdyl but M0nica has given some excellent advice from when she's been in a similar situation. It doesn't matter now what led to the estrangement, nor prior to that; your main concern now is your children. Is there any reason to make you think that your IL's might suddenly make contact after all this time?

I agree with Monica Also I think your idea of initially just adults meeting is a good one. But don't worry too much now; they may not choose to instigate contact anyway. As Smileless wisely says "don't dwell on it"

I think you are right to be wary and want a Plan thought of now.

There is a situation in my family, more extreme but shows the importance of consistent behaviour by adults

Don't let them get to know your DC's until you have done as you suggest.