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teenage son just split from pregnant girlfriend

(229 Posts)
Worriedgranny Mon 09-Dec-19 20:16:28

My teenage son has just split from his pregnant girlfriend. He only started going with her in January and she was pregnant in May. Hes just turned 19 and she is 18. They new each other when they were small and then met up early this year. My son realised she was quite controlling right at the beginning but did nothing and then she was pregnant and now admits he would of split up earlier if it had not been for the baby. My son has just started in the army and she does not work. He said he did suggest at the beginning that he did not think they should have the baby this early on in their relationship when they first found out they were having her but she was like, no we will be having her. He soon came round to thinking the baby would be fine and hoped him and her ould make it work. Its not for me to judge either way what they would decide to do and once they made the decision I was behind them. Her parents were the same. They live in England and Im up in Scotland so we have only met once so I dont know everything they would be saying. For the last year my son has traveled 2 hours most weekends to stay with his girlfriend and hardly came up the road to our house as she is very spoilt and made him feel guilty if he was not spending time with her. She has also bought all the things she wants for the baby, My son got told this was what she liked and they got it or she bought without him. They got a joint account set up and he has been putting money in and she has not as she obviously does not work.
She has absolute strops when she does not get her own way and my son just the other day said he could not cope with how she was making him feel. But now she is already making the baby be a weapon against him. She says he'll be notified of when the baby is born, she questioned why he would want to see future photos and videos. He has been told that he will have to make all the effort to go and see the baby but she will have to be there. Where she lives he would need to get a hotel or something or he'll only get to see her for a few hours or pay for accomodation. She has also told him she wants £260 paid to her each month to cover baby costs and when he said he might struggle financially to be able to see the baby her response was - not my problem. She told me yesterday she will be doing what she can for HER daughter as I tried to remind her that he is the dad and just because they have broke up that should not affect my son and his daughter. She is living at her parents and they will be looking after her so we dont have any access to this litte girl coming and neither does my son. Is there any advice for where my son can go for help to see what he can do to be a dad. I think English law will be different to Scottish as well so not clued up on what it will ll involve. Many thanks a very worried mum

paintingthetownred Mon 09-Dec-19 20:22:27

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midgey Mon 09-Dec-19 20:28:08

Bit harsh painting. Sounds like a mum trying to do her best to me.

paintingthetownred Mon 09-Dec-19 20:31:22

And yes, obviously he also has parental reponsiblity but if he is not going to be a man and measure up, shame on him

paintingthetownred Mon 09-Dec-19 20:33:13

Yes, maybe some may view it has 'harsh' but parental responsibility is just that and the pregnant mother in question and as described seems to be doing brilliantly

MissAdventure Mon 09-Dec-19 20:39:05

It doesn't sound that brilliant to me.

Your son could apply for joint custody, worriedgranny; I think fathers are included much more in a child's upbringing these days.

Also, maintenance would be set by someone other than the mum. (I'm not sure what the agency is called now)

SirChenjin Mon 09-Dec-19 20:40:32

That’s a tough situation that they’ve created sad I suppose it depends what he wants - does he want to be involved? He might want to think about contacting an organisation like Dads Rock who can give him advice and the amount he’ll pay will be determined by the Child Maintenance Service so he should probably contact them for advice.

In terms of your role, I think all you can do is support your son and don’t say too much about her, regardless of your feelings or thoughts on the matter. Hopefully someone else who has experienced a similar situation will be along soon to give you some advice.

ExperiencedNotOld Mon 09-Dec-19 20:42:21

In honesty, £260 a month is a reasonable amount. Maybe not out of a recruit/private soldiers wage if he fancies living the high life with his army pals, but he has a responsibility to provide for the child. The Army (and the Navy and RAF) have the devolved ability to make an attachment of earnings as assessed by social services so he may be better off paying from the start. He should speak with his unit welfare office or if still in training, ask his course admin for a referral to welfare.

agnurse Mon 09-Dec-19 20:47:46

Your job in this case is to back off and let your son get on with it.

Clearly, she didn't fall on him. Therefore, HE was just as responsible for the creation of this child as she was. That means he has responsibilities as a father.

TBH, I can't blame her for not wanting to drag a small child all over creation to see her father. It's far easier for HIM to take responsibility to go down and see his own child. In terms of maintenance, I agree with a PP, they need to figure out what he owes under the child maintenance scheme. I don't know what makes, but L260 a month doesn't sound honestly that unreasonable. That's less than L10 a day. His child doesn't eat for that, guaranteed.

He doesn't need to continue his relationship with the mother if he doesn't want to do so. But he DOES have a responsibility to his child, and he can't just shirk that off. He had the choice before he became intimate with her.

kircubbin2000 Mon 09-Dec-19 20:50:29

He sounds well rid of her.

paintingthetownred Mon 09-Dec-19 20:52:43

For those of us who are completely behind the times and talking out of their arxxes quite frankly...

There is no 'child maintance service anymore'.

Wake up grans and grandads for that matter
You do not have 'parental responsibility' unless you are Her Majesty the Queen.

Wake up and butt out .

paintingthetownred Mon 09-Dec-19 20:54:50

She sounds well rid of HIM.
You as a gran may be in denial of his cxxp and no doubt abusive and irresponsible behaviour but she sounds like she is the sensible one(and not you)


NanaandGrampy Mon 09-Dec-19 21:03:56

Crikey ! Out of everything the OP said you heard ‘abusive’ , ‘irresponsible’ and through all her demands the girlfriend is doing a good job? painting?

Wise words fromExperienced . It doesn’t sound like he has shirked any financial responsibility thus far but he’s not a cash cow for this girl , mother of his child or not.

It sounds like some mediation would be useful between the two of them in the hope of reaching an adult agreement ( but I suspect their youth will make that difficult)

Good luck to you all Worriedgran

MissAdventure Mon 09-Dec-19 21:09:50

A link to the child maintenance service.

Scentia Mon 09-Dec-19 21:10:50

You are so nasty and so very wrong too.
Your DS should contact army welfare and they will be able to guide him through his rights and responsibilities.

FYI painting

SirChenjin Mon 09-Dec-19 21:12:29

Painting - you’re coming across as very aggressive and not at all constructive.

As for talking out of my arse - I suggest you take a moment and get your facts straight before you continue posting

paintingthetownred Mon 09-Dec-19 21:15:08

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MissAdventure Mon 09-Dec-19 21:19:14

Full of festive cheer, I see.

sodapop Mon 09-Dec-19 21:19:55

Only one person should feel shame on this thread. No chance of a reasoned debate.

SirChenjin Mon 09-Dec-19 21:22:23

Worriedgranny - please ignore the less than positive and informative posts if you can. I hope that you can all work to resolve this. An unemployed 18 year old and a 19 year old just starting out in his army career aren’t the ideal parents on paper but hopefully they can both get the support they need to make as much a success of it as they can.

paintingthetownred Mon 09-Dec-19 21:25:56

And it is not me. There is no such thing as child maintenance anymore.

And I am absolutely certain that the pregnant mother in question is completely aware of this one,

Sod posting a link. Those of us with experience know the score.

sodapop = reasoned debate going on right here, right now and totally factually. You are completely out of date and uninformed. No. I wont' be blamed for politics and you should be shamed yourself. I didn't create the system.

love0c Mon 09-Dec-19 21:26:55

Worriedgranny, I do not have the answers really but felt I had to post to tell you to absolutely ignore the hateful and totally wrong posts. Sounds like you and your son are doing your best under difficult circumstances. I can't say I like the sound of his girlfriend. I hope she matures once she has had the baby and is far more thoughtful towards your son (the baby's father). I am getting the impression your son did not break up with this girl more the other way round? Your son is trying hard to do what he can when she does not sound very accommodating (nice)? Support your son and I really hope this situation improves for you all. Try and stay on friendly terms with this girl as well for all your sakes.

paintingthetownred Mon 09-Dec-19 21:28:41

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SirChenjin Mon 09-Dec-19 21:30:22

Worriedgranny didn’t say ‘ideal parents’ Painting, I did.

FlexibleFriend Mon 09-Dec-19 21:33:22

What used to be the child support agency is now the child maintenance service there's a link via gingerbread

Hope that helps