teenage son just split from pregnant girlfriend

Shall we go back to square one and start again?

worriedgranny, I can see why you are so worried. Your DS is barely out of childhood himself - and his behaviour suggests that in many ways he still is a child.

But he is firmly in the adult world now because he has fathered a child and the mother is determined to have it.

Given that situation, and that, as I read it, she does not live near you, your son is going to have to man up and act with the maturity his immature actions have forced upon him.

I suggest that the first thing he does is get some help and advice on what his rights and duties ar in regard to this child. The first thing he should do is visit his local Citizens Advice office and discuss the issue through with them. They will be able to give him help and advice on his legal position in relation to seeing his child and what he should be paying.

As your son is in the army and is still, presumably, completing his initial training, there will certainly be army welfare officers whom he can consult and will be well versed in dealing wih situations like this. There is an army welfare charity called SSAFA and there is probably a SSAFA advisor available where he is stationed who could help and advise him. He needs to ask for this help, however embarrassing he finds it.

But more than anything he has got to be made to understand that he needs to start taking responsibility for his actions My son realised she was quite controlling right at the beginning but did nothing and then she was pregnant It takes two to get pregnant and in this case, as the relationship was so new and uncertain he should have been using contraceptives, if he suspected she wasn't.

Hopefully his army training will help him develop a sense of responsibility and make him realise the importance of thinking ahead before you get into situations like this.

But in the mean time. He must get proper help and advice on his rights and responsibilities in the current situation.

Wow!
Someone hit a nerve.

Why do some people have to be so nasty, the woman was asking for help not abuse?

ok if sxxt grandparents refuse to acknowledge anyone else's expertise that's fine.

Those of us who have grappled with CSA for five years or more will know that there is no such thing as CSA anmore i.e no requirement to pay. Unless you forfeit a certain amount etc .so basically the CSA agency is Sxxt. Welcome to Austerity Britain for which Boris Johnson and co are responsible.

My God. I'm so eternally grateful that I didn't have you lot as grandparents in law/ What a fxxking nightmare. And no, I don't care what you think.

Indeed.

We know the csa has folded, it's been replaced by the child maintenance service cms.

I have reported paintingthehousered. Her post of 21.15. It went way over the limit of any kind of acceptable response on GN.

Nevertheless, paintingthehousered, you sound as if you are deeply unhappy yourself. Perhaps a change of name and, when you have had a chance to sleep and recover, you will find the courage to be as open as the OP has in this thread about her problems and we can offer help and assistance to you, while not nowing that you are the one that psoted on this thread under your current name.

Painting the town red, take a chill pill sister! Personally I think it's incredibly sad when parents use their children as weapons, either mum or dad.

It's a difficult situation.

HOWEVER, he is equally responsible for the pregnancy. If he didn't want a baby, use a condom! Men / boys are lazy and then don't like the consequences.

Yes, he should travel to see his child. A mum travelling to an army barracks / barracks town with a baby/pushchair/baby gear? Where would they stay? OR a single man with a small bag?

Yes, he should pay towards his child. His take home pay as a new soldier will be about £1,400 a month. Plenty to afford her fairly reasonable request.

Yes, the mum of a baby will want to be with the baby during visits. When the child is older and has a firm relationship with him, maybe then residential visits. But no new mum will let a baby out of her sights.

I really feel for you, not having regular contact with your grandchild. Maybe you, too, will have to go down to see her, if you're serious about having a relationship with your grandchild. IF that is what you want, I would be VERY careful not to argue with the mother. Your son will have rights to see his child (he might have to go to court to get them, but he will have rights). As a grandparent you have NONE.

If you do want to see the baby, buy a gift for it, send it to the mother, along with a little something for her. A nice card maybe saying that you're impartial, you just want your grandchild to be OK.

Your son gambled on someone else using contraception and lost.

If a family can’t sort out maintenance amicably paint then child maintenance can be arranged through the child maintenance service .

The OP IS a parent ! Just because you become a grandparent doesn’t stop you being a parent .

Worriedgranny, let's face it, they are almost just children themselves, so being parents won't be easy. Try to think long term. If you hope to have contact with your granddaughter you must be smart in how you handle the situation.

Do not cause any friction with the girl or her parents. Offer practical help, show concern and consideration. Recognise that, practically speaking, the mother has final say so don't rock the boat.

Encourage your son to be responsible, friendly and understanding. He must willingly pay support, as much as he can afford, without being officially made to. Try to get him to go to the registration and put his name on the birth certificate (very important legally). Hopefully, he will show an interest and help to care for the baby.

paintingthe townred
you are more than just harsh. A child deserves to,have relationships with both parents and grandparents.

The mum to be is not doing great at all and is only pregnant. she is not yet an active mum.
She lives with and off her parents and is only 18.

The OP sounds like a caring and thoughtful mum.

I hope you haven't scared her off.

OP I hope you can do everything possible to build a bridge with this young girl.
We know that hings can change a lot once the baby is born. The mum will grow up and mature and a good relationship will be best for all.
You can help your son face his responsibility. he will find it easier to do so when he sees his daughter and falls in love with her.

Well you haven’t much expertise in talking to others Painting whatever you expertise is, it’s nothing to do with dealing with people perhaps a crash course in how to speak TO others instead of AT them would be helpful
Goodness me why the vitriol! you really did get out of bed the wrong side didn’t you Very unpleasant

Firstly your son needs to accept he will have responsibility for this child for a long time and it may take a long time for him and the mother to work out a relationship. It would be better if he stopped referring to her as controlling and made efforts to see things from her point of view. Even if she is controlling it won't help if he keeps saying so.
If he is serious he needs to ask if she will make sure his name is on the birth certificate. If he is present at the birth this is usually automatic but it doesn't sound as if he will be so it will be her decision to name him. If you are serious about supporting him your best plan is just to encourage him to be as positive as he can be, to realise that this girl is his child's mother and criticising her does no one any good at all. And he will need to pay for the child. Lots of good advice about who to ask for his legal rights but his attitude needs to change and you can help with that.

OP

Make sure your son gets his name on the birth certificate. Even if it means getting a solicitor.
It seems crazy to me that all fall out already over money.
No-one knows for certain what will happen next but the best is for everyone to try and pull together.
Your son does not have to have a relationship with the mum. He needs to have a relationship with his daughter. You can reassure him about this.
He has his role and he can work things out with help pne of the PP's has mentioned where he can support and advice.

As the mum to be is manipulative it is essential to get everything legal on the birth certificate.
Then she cannot deny him contact with his child, If all goes well you may be able to see the child too but be patient that might be much later when the baby is older.

She is right regarding a lot of what she’s said.

A newborn will not be separated from its mother.
So he will be expected to travel to her. He will be ‘supervised’ or rather the mother will be present.
He will only be granted a few hours a few times a week. And so if he lives away then that will come with expense.

He needs to input his earnings into the calculator and find out what his minimum contribution must be.

And if he ever bitches about it remind him that this is all of his doing and he should think about contraception next time.

And also as they have separated he will most likely not be present at this birth. That may make him sad but it’s not a right and she only has to notify him shortly after birth.

And sorry I keep getting distracted.

As they are unmarried she must give permission for him to be on the birth certificate. Is she says no then he would have to go through court.

paintingthetownred

you have a huge problem and your resentment to any of us grandparent is out of order.
this>
"Well done. Well done to the mum in question . Sorry that she has to deal with fuxxking stupid arxxhole grandads and grandmas like you lot."

That baby will deserve to know her father. I am guessing you are a single mum without enough support?

Don't wish that on anyone else.

Go and get some help. Try your GP and ask for counseling.

There is no way an 18 year old knows much about life...sorry to tell you. ....18 is so very young...you haven't had enough fun, enough partying, enough adventures etc
so inevitably the child will suffer unless there is plenty of support from grandparents.

Bibbity

He can get on the Birth Certificate without her permission as long as he gets a solicitor to help. I have seen this recently.

Wake up and butt out

But this is Gransnet. Grans are supposed to comment.

He will not be able to go on there at the registration of birth. He can be added later on.

WorriedFranny
The priority in all this is the coming baby and, of course, the mother's health as stress will not be good for either mum or baby.

Might I suggest that your son goes to his Army Welfare Officer for some advice.
He is obviously worried and they both sound as if they can't come to mature agreement on the best way forward. Someone less emotionally involved might be in a better position to advise.

Sorry - WorriedGranny!

Fat finger syndrome

Here we go again with GP whining over their GC being used as "weapons," and being too nosey over issues that are not any of their business.

Great posts paintingthetownred. You said it better than I would, and as expected got branded as being "harsh," and "cruel."

Some of these posts are extremely ridiculous.