Gransnet forums


Positives after estrangement

(79 Posts)
Starblaze Tue 10-Dec-19 20:43:41

What are your positives since estrangement?

I've lost lots of weight. I look after my physical and mental health. I've identified and distanced toxic relationships. I've developed a stronger relationship with others and brilliantly my children. I no longer need medication for anxiety and depression. I am a stronger more confident person. I have developed my career and retrained. I actually like myself as a person now, I think that might be my favourite

What are your positives? How are YOU taking responsibility for your own happiness?

love0c Tue 10-Dec-19 20:58:13

Well done Starblaze! I believe from your posts it was your mother who caused you to be unhappy? I managed to 'survive' unhappiness in my childhood but it is still inside me. I will always be vulnerable but I can keep it hidden from people. I have learnt to pretend to be confident.

I am so pleased you have a good relationship with your children I really believe that is what makes or breaks a person. Loving your children and them loving you in 'pure gold' You enjoy your happiness and be proud of all you have achieved! smile

Starblaze Tue 10-Dec-19 21:04:34

Yes it was Love0c. I don't think I will ever be what I could have been but what I have learnt is that you can be who you are, have all your vulnerabilities and there are people out there who will love you anyway. Make them part of you. It takes out a lot of the stress and anxiety x

Smileless2012 Tue 10-Dec-19 21:05:42

The biggest step we took was to move so we were no longer living just 15 doors away from our ES and only GC. It took us 4 years to make the decision and since doing so we have found peace and happiness we thought we'd never experience again.

Like you loveOc there's a vulnerability there, an unhappiness which no doubt we'll never be free of but as time has gone on we've grown stronger in ourselves, in our marriage and in our relationship with our DS.

It was not our choice to walk away, it was theirs and now we can see that despite loving and missing our ES, there could be neither peace nor happiness in a relationship that had become toxic and harmful.

Namsnanny Tue 10-Dec-19 21:08:37

Identify trouble maker

Find the quickest way in the opposite direction.

ignore and relax Ahhhhhh.


Namsnanny Tue 10-Dec-19 21:09:42

Why do gransnet have such old fashioned ways of using icons????

Smileless2012 Tue 10-Dec-19 22:29:59

It's not just EAC who ultimately find their estrangements positive, parents who have been estranged can find them positive too.

No body wants to be in a controlling and toxic relationship even if that relationship is with their own AC.

There are other positives after estrangement, when those who seek reconciliation find it and manage to rebuild their relationships.

Estrangement doesn't have to just be an ending, it can be the beginning of a more peaceful life and when reconciliation does occur, it can be the beginning of better relationship.

Hithere Tue 10-Dec-19 22:50:09

Being able to invest my energy in better things than having to police my parent's behaviour and trying to keep my boundaries in place.

Stress and anxiety is 1000% way down

HolyHannah Wed 11-Dec-19 01:01:03

1000% less stress and anxiety. I also lost 170 lbs and it was all her. That said, while I have never been overweight I too lost weight.

I feel more confident and radiant and beautiful then I ever have in my life. I have a wonderful family that is free from toxicity.

I don't second guess myself anymore because I'm not concerned with whatever attack is coming regardless of what I do.

I am content and have peace in my life.

Noregrets Wed 11-Dec-19 03:13:24

It's so heartwarming to hear of people overcoming such horrendous and damaging relationships, and not only surviving but thriving. Emotional abuse, especially as a child, just destroys self esteem. I didn't even feel liked by my mother, never mind loved. I got away from her by having a baby when I was 18, only to find myself going through years of abuse from my first husband. Somehow, I found the determination to make my life more fulfilling. Turning 30, with three children all at school, seemed to give me a shove!

Like Starblaze, I lost weight, went back into education and got a job which paid enough to give me independence. I do still have that vulnerable core of course, that has never changed, and it needs protecting and nourishing. Its hard to love ourselves when we have felt not only unloved but unlovable. So not only surviving but thriving is one heck of an achievement.

I'm finding an unexpected outcome of my situation is that I don't have to deal with my toxic son in law and his parents. Unfortunately, the grandchildren do but I heard today that they have been allowed to see other relatives and seemed OK. Having that window into how they are doing has helped my anxiety levels a little.

Sara65 Wed 11-Dec-19 07:00:46

We would probably have struggled on forever in a horribly dysfunctional relationship, me not liking her, her not liking me. Then one day, when I had a lot going on, and we were having some quite serious problems at home, she pushed me too far, I put the phone down, never to speak to her again.

When I realised that was my intention, I felt like a huge weight I’d been dragging around all my life had gone, never ever regretted it, under no circumstances would I ever go back.

As others have said, I think I’m a better person, or maybe without constantly seeing her disapproval and disgust I just feel like a better person.

So so glad she’s no longer in my life.

HolyHannah Wed 11-Dec-19 07:25:44

Another positive, since I went No Contact, is that I can clearly spot abusive personalities. When you are surrounded by and enmeshed with abusive people, it is difficult to see how you tolerate and normalize irrational behavior.

Once you back away from the insanity the world looks like a brighter place.

It also gets easier to ignore those who have an interest in keeping Us, "in our place". I am not better then anyone, but I refuse to be a 'lesser' as well.

Starblaze Wed 11-Dec-19 07:36:00

Loving this, we all have to find the positives. We only have one life to live. I think in the same way that sometimes people don't know they are depressed until it is very bad, they don't always see how much progress has been made the other direction. Especially at Christmas

Smileless2012 Wed 11-Dec-19 08:37:30

That must have been a huge relief noregrets to learn that other family members have seen the children and they seem to be OK.

I agree HolyHannah that it is easier to spot someone with an abusive personality, once you've had dealings with someone face to face so to speak.

"I am not better then anyone, but I refuse to be a 'lesser' as well"; I like thattchsmile.

Minshy Wed 11-Dec-19 09:49:01

You wonderful ladies have encompassed all I feel in your posts.
I was the unloved/ unliked child too.
It does leave you feeling empty all your life, a void that I think only a mothers love could fill.
I am estranged from 2 of my 4 children after I divorced their father of 30 years.
They will not forgive me for hurting him.
I’m trying my best to move on now but I am allowed to childmind two of my grandchildren once a week and I have a loving relationship with them while their mother ( my daughter) barely acknowledges me.
A third grandchild I’m not allowed to meet ever.
My mother was a monster in all ways and I cut her out of my life because she started to be abusive to my children.
I also like “ I’m no better than anyone else, but I’m also no less”
These posts have come at a good time for me
Thank you all

Tigertooth Wed 11-Dec-19 09:53:57

Beautiful post - well done.

jaylucy Wed 11-Dec-19 10:27:27

Whoever said that you can choose your friends, but not your family, was exactly right!
Why it is that we put up with control, bad behaviour and downright nastiness from someone, just because we share the same blood, that we wouldn't from someone unrelated, I have never understood!
It wasn't until my mother died that I realised that I was constantly worrying about what she'd think every time I made a decision and that it was ok that although I may have loved her, I didn't really like her for many of her views on life - she was so racially prejudiced that I actually never told her that I worked quite happily with people of many colours and religions , because of the haranguing I would have got! Let alone the constant hissing of "what will the neighbours think" !
It may seem minor but it just seems lovely that I can do my own thing, without that sitting on my shoulder!

Lesley60 Wed 11-Dec-19 10:30:24

I often can’t understand the abbreviations

Minshy Wed 11-Dec-19 10:32:18

That’s exactly what I had to do
Her toxic, caustic remarks made me stand up quietly, gather my 4 children, and I left her house without saying a word and we quietly walked home. I never saw her again.
10 years later I had a phone call from a hospital to say she had died. I felt nothing but a sense of relief.
I spent a few weeks feeling guilty that I wasn’t grieving.

Stella14 Wed 11-Dec-19 10:53:31

I have more confidence and peace of mind. I no longer walk on eggshells. I finally accept that I am good enough just as I am and no longer have to people please (only with my kids). I am closer to my eldest child. It’s cheaper, so I have more money!

Smileless2012 Wed 11-Dec-19 10:57:08

Minshy how sad that having had the childhood you had, you are estranged from two of your own children.

It must be so hurtful to be barely acknowledged by your own daughter when seeing her is unavoidable as you'e helping out with childminding but at least you're seeing the GC.

I'm sorry you'll never see your 3rd GC, we have 2 who we'll never see so I understand how hard that is.

I've never understood that either jaylucy and what you experienced doesn't seem minor at all. A dripping tap can eventually do as much damage as a sudden gush of water.

Mollyplop Wed 11-Dec-19 10:59:23

I am estranged from my AS whom I adore. But after years of being on an emotional roller coaster of being used by him I finally stepped away. It has taken me 6 years but I'm now at peace with the situation. One day it may change but I've stopped blaming myself and although I miss him, life is much more peaceful. Fortunately I still have my daughter and we are very close.

Smileless2012 Wed 11-Dec-19 11:05:34

I'm glad you're at peace with what's happened Mollyplop and that you've stopped blaming yourself. We'll always miss them wont weflowers.

Esmerelda Wed 11-Dec-19 11:42:55

Bravo Starblaze and everyone else ... look to the positives and feel better about yourself!

sodapop Wed 11-Dec-19 12:12:29

Glad to hear some people are able to move on with their lives, it must have been hard to make the decisions many of you have made. Hope you have a peaceful Christmas.

What do you suggest we do Namsnanny ?