Positives after estrangement

I have two main positives. 1) I am now a lot better off financially since the non-communicating son can no longer ask for money. 2) I don't have the fear I am suddenly going to be falsely accused of something by a nasty text.

Happy that many people have been strong enough to move on with their lives. In toxic relationships in the family the only thing to do is make yourself a more peaceful life.
Holy Hannah summed it up for me by saying
"I no longer second guess myself anymore because I no longer concern myself with whatever attack is coming regardless of what I do"
When you just cannot do right for someone even when you would walk on eggshells around them and just hope for a morsel of acknowledgement but it never comes then get yourself out of that situation.
The grand-children are the ones I miss and will never stop caring about them only nasty selfish daughter uses them to get back at me and keeps me from seeing them.
In my ideal world I would not have to go through any channels such as court etc I could just go to a Family centre (not those social services one) take them out shopping go to toy shop and get them McDonalds only as a treat they like that sort of thing my world would be bursting with joy.
This is the real world so that is not going to happen how sad that sometimes feels.

Sorry. Think I'm being dim but what does DH stand for?

DH stands for dear husband Patsytaylor

We didn't have a problem with our ES asking for money ReadyMeals although looking back we wish we hadn't been quite so generous as it was never properly appreciated.

I know what you mean about false accusations though. When I saw that an email had come through for him I used to feel physically sick.

We were lucky that we were never given the chance to know our GC 3nanny6, it must be so hard to have lost them when you'd got to know them and had a relationship with them.

It's so cruel to deprive them of their GP's out of spite.

Let's keep focused on the positives!

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I know the time will come when I have to face that my mother has died, and that I didn’t make any attempt at reconciliation.

She’s repeatedly told my husband she’s cut me out of her will.

Guess what? I don’t care!

Sara65 -- They equate gifts and money with 'love'. They also see No Contact as We don't 'love' them anymore because we are no longer giving to them (supply). By cutting you out of the will they think it's the ultimate, "F You! See! I don't love you either!"

The thing is... We know. I know I was NEVER loved in my 'family' so the, "Hannah, you know you don't deserve ANYTHING so we're giving you what you 'deserve' one last time."

It's more confirmation on what we already know and reminds us that their treatment of Us is not 'in our heads' and that they have a perception issue with Us.

You can't change peoples perceptions/assumptions of you, but you can put their behavior into focus and move forward.

Estrangement has given me that confidence.

Another positive - I can be "me" without fearing disappointing my parents and without their revenge for not satisfying their fake idea of me.

I am nobody's mini me. Nobody is my mini me. We are all unique and we have the right to make our own decisions

I can understand that Jillybird "sadness for a relationship that never was and never could be".

For some EP's there comes a time when they doubt that the good relationship they thought they had was ever real, and then there is sadness because of what has happened, that the relationship can never be what they hoped for.

It's a shame if some EP's think they can use disinheritance to punish their EAC. I don't know why any EAC would expect to inherit, although there have been cases referred too here on GN when an AC who has been estranged for years, expected to be a beneficiary.

It's a positive when an EAC doesn't expect to inherit and so isn't disappointed when they don't, and a positive for any EP who disinherits their EAC not out of bitterness and anger, or as a form of punishment, but simply because they don't feel it appropriate as they are no longer a part of their lives.

It shows that they have put any bitterness and anger they may have had behind them.

my biggest positive is that I allowed myself to be loved by a most wonderful man. We met just 2 months before I went NC with my NM.
I moved to his home town 2 hours away from my home (and hers) so distanced myself physically as well as emotionally.
We married just 2 years after meeting and I have never been happier.
Last Christmas she made contact and I thought we may have a chance of some sort of relationship but by mid January her facebook posts put an end to that!
My new husband constantly reminds me that I am a person who deserves to be loved. A strange feeling after over 50 years of emotional mental abuse.
I know it is almost impossible for AC of NM's to understand going NC but sadly it is the only way most of us can survive

I don't think it's impossible for anyone to understand an AC estranging themselves from a NM Ziggy, it's the estranging of decent and loving parents, who for many years had a good relationship with their AC prior to the estrangement that is difficult, and for some impossible to understand.

smileless 2012 My in laws & people I work with think I'm quite heartless since I turned my back on a woman who comes across as a sweet little old lady lol

Ziggy What a nice outcome for you. You so clearly made the right decision and I cannot see how anyone would question it.

I am 34. My dad is around 51. I haven't seen him since I was 21 years old. He took me to court for back child support when my mom died.yes...he wanted his money back. He is a terrible person...

I am so much happier not having him around harassing me. He was incredibly unpredictable, miserable, ridiculous and embarassing.

I really haven't improved much since estrangement because my mother and her family insulated me from his terrible behaviour. I just choose a good husband who is a great father! I guess that was my lesson learnt. I could get a tan from how sunny my husband is! And he doesn't smoke, drink or go out without me. Ever.

Ziggy, I have the same problem with people who only know my parents superficially.

It's ok, they can keep them if they want.

"You are so lucky, your parents love you so much. All they talk is about how proud of you they are and ...."

It's news to me! Never ever heard a positive comment from them unless it was tainted with "but if you did it my way, you would be prettier/more successful/ happier, etc"

Many people don't catch that jab and invalidation of the "compliment" - they just see "your parents love you and what's best for you"

What matters Ziggy is that you know the truth, you know why you took the decision you did. That old saying about walking around in someone else's shoes is right.

It's not dissimilar for us and other EP's when we get 'there's no smoke without fire' and 'you must have done something'. It can be hard sometimes but we know the truth of our situation, as you know the truth of yours.

That's awful Naty, thank goodness your mum and her family were able to insulate from his terrible behaviour.

These abbreviations! What is an EAC, EP, NM? I can cope with young people's slang easier than this!

EAC = Estranged Adult Child. EP = Estranged Parent. NM = Narc Mom.

The most compassionate people are clear about what they
will or will not allow- They blame nobody for estrangement/s- They do hold others (as well as themselves) accountable for past acts- They don't establish boundaries, estrangememts, or distance others as a form of retaliation- And they don't arbor resentment- I say arbor because maintaining boundaries is no different than tending gardens- A trellis entangled with resentment and loathing doesn't go unnoticed, that it's being tended instead of pruned and being worked out of the earth by the roots-

Similar can be said of changing geographical location, moving hundreds of miles away from someone yet remain bound to the past and that person via blame and resentment, by the negative ties that didn't get left behind during the move to the "new" location-

And if the heart grows fonder with distance, let it- If loving memories arise don't push them away or cling to them with hope- But if only toxic thoughts come to mind, process them into grains of sand or nip them in the bud to keep them from taking over your garden ..and be grateful to be alive ..

"I actually like myself as a person now, I think that might be my favourite"
What a gorgeous thing to be able to say!

ziggy

I’ve experienced the same, I don’t explain anything, don’t bad mouth her, my family and close friends know what she’s really like, that’s good enough for me.

My case is entirely different. I already liked myself as a person despite my parents doing their best to stop me . I've achieved and learned so much and have a very, happy and contented life.

My elder son chose to cut himself off from me, his brother and later his daughter.

It has taken almost two heartbreaking decades to see anything positive in this but when I was in hospital, twice, at the beginning of the year, I realised that if I died, he wouldn't have the same depth of sadness about it, as he might if we'd remained in happy contact, as we were immediatel before the break.

It may in fact be a long time before he even learned I'd dropped off the twig, as I've left it up to my younger boy to tell him IF he chooses.

I'm immensely grateful for that because I do love my EAS so much and the idea of his grieving for me, hurts.

It's like looking at yourself in the mirror, we tend to stand too close to ourselves and see all the flaws. That's what bad parents do, hold that mirror right in our faces.

If you stand back a bit, you see yourself how people who love you see you. Without that bad parent, you can see the whole of you, the general youness that the good people in your life see.