Positives after estrangement

❤️

"never be the reason for someone else's bad day" that's lovely FlyingFree.

Yes! I've lost weight and have less anxiety too. Sometimes still get very depressed. Best thing I have learnt is to never be the reason for someone else's bad day x

I owe it to myself to forgive others, in face to face situations and those that arise in my mind from the past- It provides me with the freedom to love myself and forgive my own shortcomings as well as the shortcomings of others be they close, at an imposed distance or dead- Doing so sets a positive example for my children, equally as much as setting boundaries and being consistent-

Forgiveness doesn't excuse what happened- It does make one less fragile, enabling one to examine matters more closely and gain a better understanding of the circumstances with compassion instead of looking at it thru the lenses of bitterness and resentment-

I agree about the need to take steps to protect ourselves Meeyoo and what you said about revenge.

The best revenge for want of a better word is to find peace and happiness in your own life. To move on and not have the rest of your live overshadowed by the person or people who have hurt you.

It doesn't matter whether or not they know we are happy even though they're no longer in our lives, all that matters is that we are.

Going back to my earlier comment about being told to just get over it.

That is a massive insult to everyone here, especially those who have been here a long time, who are trying their hearts out to do exactly that and still need support.

We are only responsible for our own happiness, definitely not the happiness of abusive people.

I don't forgive, but I don't hold the anger or animosity any more either. I am working on forgiving myself and all the years I let her make me unhappy and sabotage my physical, mental self as well as my ability to socialise, further my career and my parenting.

If someone has wronged me and I forgive them that's like saying it doesn't matter if they treat me badly, instead I prefer to take steps to protect myself whilst also letting go of any desire for revenge because wanting revenge ties you to the person who has wronged you.

Not that I've managed this yet, but I can see how forgiving the person/people who have hurt you can be a positive thing. It can help to get rid of some, if not all of the anger and frustration.

You don't need to have anything to do with that person/those people, they no longer need to be a part of your life. They don't need to know that you have, or are working at forgiving them so doing so wouldn't be enabling them to continue with their abuse.

EAC are at least able to keep their abusive/toxic parent(s) away from their children. For EP's and GP's whose own AC or their partner is toxic, there is the constant worry of what impact if any, the parenting they are receiving may be having on their GC.

If we show our children we are happy to be abused, then that teaches them it's OK for them to be abused, or worse, be abusive. I was fortunate that my older children decided on their own they wanted nothing to do with them. Their maternal grandparents were too selfish to spend much time with them and didn't love bomb them like some abusive grandparents do. Although they did use opportunities to try to turn my children against me, they failed. My little dot will never remember them and for that I am truly thankful.

If you forgive them you are enabling them, and let's not forget that these people are predators, forgiving them is like offering them your throat

I agree Meeyoo, since joining the estrangement threads my stance has changed and become more and more resolute. Protect ourselves from abusive people. Protect our children from abusive people who do not become magically non abusive around grandchildren. We all deserve happiness.

I don't think we should forgive people who have treated us cruelly, I think we should cast them out of our lives and move on and that's how we should find peace

Poignant story, Marilyn. Maybe being CO gave your mum time and space to think over her behavior. I'm glad you had a successful reconciliation in the end.

Sorry you had a bad day, Starblaze. But glad coming back to this thread is helpful.

I know I wanted to keep this post positive but I was made to feel like a failure today. A failure who needs to just get over it. I came back to this post to remember just how far I have come.

This post is and was made to be inclusive to all who are impacted by estrangement. Because I genuinely care about the suffering of others and I hoped that it would give hope to others.

I would never tell anyone to just get over that suffering but I would say to remember how far you have come. Remember to learn from your mistakes. Most importantly, remember to learn from the mistakes of others.

Not everyone in this world is good and kind. Sometimes it's a parent, sometimes an AC, sometimes it's both because abuse runs in families, sometimes entire famies are toxic. Sometimes it's friends or partners or work colleagues.

Just remember that is their problem not yours, you are only responsible for your own behaviour. Just keep healing in your own time and choose who deserves to make that journey with you wisely.

rosecarmel - thank you for your lovely, positive posts and to Starblaze for starting this thread.

Sometimes, it is hard to let go of negative feelings, but the only way forward and to gain peace of mind is to forgive and try to stamp on bad feelings before they grow and envelop us. We need to focus on the good things in life which we have been blessed with, as the things you focus on the most will grow and fill our minds. Let's all try to encourage each other to think happy thoughts.

Other positives of estrangement? More self-awareness, stronger relationships with other family members, and meeting some lovely, supportive people here on GN!

My Mother had mental health issues and was prone to cruel and toxic behaviour. I did everything I could think of to get help for her. There was no way she would admit to her problems. In the end I cut her off completely for 6 yrs. She sent messages through the family and huge bouquets of flowers on my birthday, but I had SO had enough of her nonsense. One day the anger lifted and I contacted her. She didn’t cause trouble after that. She
Is now 95 and I help to care for her. I’m glad it has worked out this way. I think if I hadn’t cut her off she would have caused our family a good deal of pain. So for me, there was a positive aspect to estrangement.

rosecarmel you're absolutely right.

Yes, many of us could have ended up dead, one way or another, which is why deeply-seated gratitude is a daily practice, being here to share in both the suffering and bliss of life-

Glad to see people having so many positive experiences. Another one of mine is that I am still alive after abuse that nearly destroyed me and a genuine "there is no reason for me to be here, no one wants me" suicide attempt.

I felt an enormous sense of peace and calm the minute the my mother was out of my life, ditto my father
what a relief not to have to deal with them anymore

Hettyperhaps your sense of relief, peace and contentment following her death is due in part that you never estranged her.

Being able to accept that her abuse of you was due to her being unwell and not in control, was a huge thing for you to be able to process.

Flossieturner, I'm sorry that your GC went through that and that all of you were estranged for so long. But I'm glad to hear about the reconciliation. Best of luck moving forward!

I've never been estranged as I always loved my abusive mother. I understood, as I matured, that she was unwell and not in control of her own behaviour. Since she died, however, I feel a great sense of relief, peace and contentment. It's all in the past now!