Eggshells

GagaJo.

No longer walking on eggshells is one of the unexpected positives for me. Its such a relief not to have to deal with my son in law after years of it. But interestingly, he is the one who walks on eggshells in his marriage. He never stands up for himself to my daughter, his resentment builds and builds and he took it out on the younger children. Secretively. A bully and a coward to boot. Now it is out in the open, he has hopefully learned a lesson. And the children know they have been believed.

Great thread, Madgran! And lots of good points here, IMO.

Just want to add that I think SOME GPs may feel they're "walking on eggshells" b/c of a certain mindset. They approach their AC and CIL as if they are "supposed to" evaluate them, their home, and their children, and, no surprise, almost always find some fault somewhere. My MIL was like this, always entering our home or greeting us w/ a "critical eye," searching for flaws. Then when they start complaining/criticizing and get told off, they feel as if, "I can't say anything,' etc. (NOT saying that's true for all GPs or any of the GPs here.) These kinds of MILs/GPs feel "freer" around other people b/c they don't approach them the same way. But they don't realize it, unfortunately.

Also, sometimes, I've heard people say that who look at every incident as totally separate. So if, say, DIL jumps on them for letting the GC stay up late on a sleepover one weekend, and then for giving them some extra treats on another one, the GP sees it as 2 separate issues. But, of course, it's really one - breaking the parents' rules for their kids. (Again NOT saying this is always the case.)

I get that some people just explode randomly and I'm so deeply sorry that some of you have had to experience that, especially as children.

Noregrets, it sounds like things are better all around, except perhaps lack of contact w/ your daughter and GC. But I'm not sure... am I to understand that social services found evidence of a problem and has taken some sort of action? You sound a lot more positive than the last time I was here? Did I miss something? What has changed?

Ok, Noregrets, I see on other threads that your GC have been allowed to visit w/ other relatives and seem ok. Good! I hope your ED and ESIL have been ordered to go for parenting classes or anger management or whatever they need.

My m.i.l. was very similar Starlady. My biggest issue was her favouritism of DS over his brother, well in fact she favoured him above all 9 of her GC.

I've always out it down to Mr. S. being her favourite. His siblings make the occasional comment like 'oh mum's talking to .... so we'll be here for some time'. I do think it has caused problems between him and his siblings over the years. He feels as uncomfortable about it as they do.

She would break our rules if the boys went to stay, silly things like not keeping to bed times and extra treats. It was of course annoying but being able to have a night or two away from time made it worth it.

We suspect that's what our ES does Noregrets, walks on eggshells with his wife.

Ugh about the favoritism, Smileless! I can totally see why that was your "big issue."

Glad you were relaxed about bedtime, etc. though. IMO, one needs to pick one's battles.

Starlady And lots of good points here, IMO.

Thankyou. It is a subject mentioned so many times in posts from people who are estranged (ACs; APs; GPs;Siblings etc) so talking about might be helpful to some

I agree Starlady 'pick your battles' and differentiate between real issues and those that aren't really that important. We would never have flouted our ES's and his wife's rules if we'd ever been able to have our GC to stay, but somethings IMO aren't worth falling out over, unless a fallout is what you really want.

It's a great thread Madgran, well done for starting it.

Thanks Smileless

Eggshell walking can sometimes be not because of anything that the eggshell walker is doing. It can be because of the responses of another person, responses coming from their own issues and experiences in their past, or in their birth family or whatever. So the eggshell walker learns to adapt their own behaviours to avoid problems arising from those responses. In the end only the egg shell walker can decide when and if it is worth it, I suppose.

I think you're right Madgran "only the egg shell walker can decide when and if it is worth it". It's their decision to make.

Some people claim to be "walking on eggshells" as a way to gain pity and turn people against the other party when they have been confronted about very bad behaviour.

Its the pity card. Passive aggressive 101 = "I cant say anything " aftet being told not to say nasty things

Playing the victim when they are the ones causing the problems.

Be careful not to be a pawn in the game when people say they have to "walk on eggshells"

I agree notanan . I know someone who claims to be walking on eggshells after being told that continuously "slagging off" her ACs partner was not appropriate (unsurprisingly!!)

That is one scenario of many that can cause someone to feel they must walk on eggshells. Sometimes it IS because of something the eggshell walker has done. Sometimes it is not.

Exactly Madgran, as notanan posted some claim to walk on eggshells and I agree that it's being passive aggressive to say so, if you claim you can't say anything when what you are saying is nasty.

That said, when EAC, EP's and GP's here on GN claim they are walking on eggshells that should be accepted.

When you are a victim, you know you're a victim.

I think walking in eggshells is about being in an impossible situation, a situation where you can only lose because it is impossible to take a step at all without breaking something, the only way to survive therefore is to be completely passive, no one should have to tolerate a situation like that

I agree Meeyoo an impossible situation to have to live with.

Meyoo Wise words!

So the eggshell walker learns to adapt their own behaviours to avoid problems arising from those responses

This. Clearly written from experience. I distinctly remember actually stopping, before I even entered their house, to make absolutely sure that I said nothing that could be misconstrued or that wasn't 100% factual and could be proven if necessary. Because I had learnt that if I made the slightest mistake; I'd be accused of making things up. Or "causing trouble". Or not having followed through on a promise I'd made. It really messes with your head because you really do begin to think it's you that's wrong all the time. I always felt on the "back foot" and it's horrible and exhausting.

It really messes with your head because you really do begin to think it's you that's wrong all the time

Exactly Chewbacca!

So, people who are afraid of saying or doing anything that sets the other person off in a rage or into hurtful words they can't bare.

People who want to be abnoxious and know the other person will stop speaking to them if they carry on unless they can make the other person think its their fault for being over sensitive.

Sorry, I didn't understand your post Starblaze.

Because I had learnt that if I made the slightest mistake; I'd be accused of making things up. Or "causing trouble". Or not having followed through on a promise I'd made.

This is what Chewbacca wrote before she made the "messes with your head comment."

It seems to me that it describes exactly the same as others have written about in their experiences with their parent (or with a sibling or with an AC or Il or whatever) before they became estranged. I can imagine exactly why that would mess with one's head whether as a child, an AC, an adult parent, GP or whatever. Any relationship based on that type of model is going to be problematical.

It really does mess with your head Chewbacca and Madgran.

I was once accused of saying something really awful about our d.i.l. during a conversation with a friend, that I hadn't said. I knew I hadn't said it but still 'phoned my friend to ask her if she remembered the conversation (we were at a party), and if I'd said what I'd been accused of.

She was horrified, not just at what I'd been falsely accused of but that the awful situation was getting to me so much, I'd needed her to confirm that the accusation was a lie.

I agree Starlady 'pick your battles' and differentiate between real issues and those that aren't really that important

I suppose the problem arises when something is a real issue to one persons and not important to the other.

I agree that that in itself is a problem Summerlove so if there is something that you see as a real issue, the best way forward is to talk about it calmly and sensibly so it doesn't become a battle.