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Estrangement

Grandaughter

(17 Posts)
Gingster Thu 12-Dec-19 08:06:23

My 17 yr old granddaughter left her mum (my daughter) when she was 11 to live with her dad. She didn’t see her mum for 2 yrs but when mum was pregnant with a little girl, grandaughter wanted to be involved. She sees them once or twice a month now but there is no love for her mum. She is cold towards her and only really sees her because if her half sister, who she adores. I feel so sorry for my daughter who is heartbroken about their relationship. How should she (and I ) approach her and ask where she’s gone wrong. .?

GagaJo Thu 12-Dec-19 08:18:22

Is it normal teenage stuff? Or was there something specific that caused the break?

I had a friend who had always favoured her youngest over her eldest 2 (both boys). The oldest boy was oblivious. But her daughter, the middle child, felt it keenly. So much so, that like your granddaughter, at 15 went to live with her dad.

We're now 15 years on. Friends daughter is now married with children of her own. Perfectly normal relationship with her mum.

ayse Thu 12-Dec-19 08:19:40

Maybe Dad let’s his daughter get away with more than Mum?This is the third case of daughter going to live with father that I know of. Maybe your granddaughter blames her Mum for the breakup without knowing the full story or refuses to accept there are always 2 sides to every failure of a relationship.

My DIL hasn’t seen her daughter for almost 15 years and has no idea where she is. This granddaughter in law blamed her mother for the breakdown, not knowing the violence that had gone on. It’s all very difficult.

On the plus side, at least your daughter is seeing her daughter on a regular basis, so hopefully in time the situation will improve. Just be there for your daughter and support your granddaughter when necessary. Young women of this age can cause their parent(s) real heartache but she is young. Personally, I wouldn’t pursue the issue with your granddaughter although others may think differently. Give her time and hope that all will be resolved in the future

Starlady Thu 12-Dec-19 08:26:10

Oh, Gingster, what a sad situation! Of course, you feel for your DD (dear daughter). So would any mum, I think. IDK, but I imagine the root of the problem lies in why DD left to go live w/ her dad when she was 11. Do you have any idea what happened then? Has DD said anything about it? If DD knows what happened, then she can start there if she wishes to approach GD about it.

As much as you want to help, I'm not sure you should get in the middle. You might end up w/ one or both of them angry at you. IMO, you need to leave this up to DD, and just give them both - and the little one, of course - as much love as you can (as I'm sure you already do).

Starlady Thu 12-Dec-19 08:31:41

Rereading I see you just want to ask her "where" your DD "went wrong," not get in the middle and try to solve the issue. I suppose it's ok for you to ask, but please be prepared to hear some things you don't like or agree with. Also, if you do ask GD about this, I don't recommend doing it together w/ DD b/c it might seem to GD as if the two of you are ganging up on her (even though that wouldn't be the intention). However, I agree w/ ayse that it is better for you not to pursue this issue w/ GD and just trust in time.

Gingster Thu 12-Dec-19 08:41:31

Thanks for all your messages. My daughter is a very loving mum but has had a few different boyfriends coming into the house. My grandaughter is a very sensitive person and although the boyfriends weren’t horrible, she just wanted her dad. My daughter also has twin boys who were born when grandaughter was almost 4. They also have a different dad. My daughter does her utmost to please her and we walks on eggshells around her, but it isn’t a normal mother/daughter bond.

mumofmadboys Thu 12-Dec-19 08:45:23

I think it is best to not broach it at all. Your DD should just concentrate on being the best parent she can be to the 17 year old and let sleeping dogs lie. Hopefully with time things will improve. Your DD hasn't necessarily done anything wrong at all. It may simply be down to a difficult situation.

mumofmadboys Thu 12-Dec-19 08:46:05

Crossed posts

MissAdventure Thu 12-Dec-19 09:02:33

I may not be popular for saying it, but I would say its fairly obvious what drove your granddaughter out, which I think you probably suspect yourself.

Having a few boyfriends coming and going wasn't ideal, so your granddaughters wisely decided to move somewhere more settled, perhaps?

Gingster Thu 12-Dec-19 09:42:49

Yes a do agree with you wholeheartedly. She likes a settled environment. But her mum is trying so hard to get through granddaughters shell and she gets no response at all. No hugs, no kisses , even in text messages. She even invites her dad along for lunches etc. What more can she do?

Smileless2012 Thu 12-Dec-19 09:51:24

I would let sleeping dogs lie as the saying goes Gingster maybe in time your GD will gradually bond with her mum. It must be very hard for your D but at least your GD's half sister is encouraging your GD to visit.

Starlady Thu 12-Dec-19 10:10:02

Mabye she's trying too hard, Gingster. If GD has put up a protective shell, maybe DD needs to leave it alone. It's so obvious when someone is trying to 'break through.' I mean sure, have fun events, etc. But perhaps she shouldn't expect more than GD is willing/ready to give right now. If DD backs off a little, hopefully, GD will open up in time. But IDK if you can say this to DD even if you agree.

Daisymae Thu 12-Dec-19 11:35:49

I would certainly let things lie. Your gd has had a lot of challenges to deal with in her short life and it's not possible to force her to love her mother. I guess that the bond has been broken by her feeling that she has not come first in her mother's affections. She wants to see her sister so that's something very positive. I would step back and let things take their own course.

Gingster Thu 12-Dec-19 13:59:43

It’s so good to hear all your comments. All saying leave it and hopefully it will improve. No good pushing it! I do agree but wanted to know others opinions. It’s been a great help and put my mind at rest. Thanks so much and seasons greetings to you all 🎄👍

Starblaze Thu 12-Dec-19 14:21:52

Yes I would leave things, tell daughter to relax as granddaughter will sense fakeness or tension. Your granddaughter will raise the issues when she is ready and that should be 1:1. In the meantime, treat her with courtesy and respect and don't try to force hugs or kisses or anything like that. She isn't ready.

Granniesunite Thu 12-Dec-19 14:40:55

I hope it all works out for your daughter and granddaughter. Agree with all who say let it lie and just enjoy having her around again. Very best to you all. I'm actually quiet jealous. Wish we had just a tiny bit of our lovely family member.

Hithere Thu 12-Dec-19 15:26:29

I am afraid this is an issue between your dd and her dd to fix.