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Estrangement

Just wanted to let you all know!

(102 Posts)
Noregrets Thu 12-Dec-19 13:11:59

My DH just phoned. He is at the supermarket, and received a text from my SIL. Can we pick up the GC and from school on Monday and have them for tea!
I am dumbstruck

Madgran77 Thu 12-Dec-19 17:09:20

Thankyou SarahCGransnet

dragonfly46 Thu 12-Dec-19 17:15:00

So pleased for you Noregrets. At the end of the day the children's welfare is paramount and you being in their lives will help to insure that.

Smileless2012 Thu 12-Dec-19 17:45:12

Just got back from shopping and putting it all away so have just seen this.

tchgrintchgrintchgrin this is sooooo wonderful Noregrets

Can't tell you how thrilled I am; Christmas just may have come early for you x

sodapop Thu 12-Dec-19 19:25:06

Definitely good news Noregrets enjoy your time with your grandchildren. You did what was necessary to protect them that must have been difficult for you. Happier times ahead .

Noregrets Thu 12-Dec-19 19:46:29

I just wish I had found all of you lovely people years ago. I have felt like the only GP dealing with difficult issues for so long, but here you were, all that time.

I do know that there is a body of research which shows that a significant emotional presence of even one person can help babies, toddlers, children, to develop resilience and self esteem.

That was my aim, and hopefully, my achievement. My youngest D has her own health problems, and 4 children, two with a degree of special needs, is a huge responsibility. And because of her own health difficulties, much of that burden devolved to her husband, and to me. And it could be overwhelming, especially for him. Although that is no excuse to become abusive to defenceless children.

It has been a difficult and yet hugely rewarding 8 years. It has often felt like I have been struggling to keep the children safe and happy, without having a place where I could find understanding and informed support.

And here you all were, and I didn't know it.

Namsnanny Thu 12-Dec-19 19:47:14

What a lovely development Noregrets flowers
Best of luck for Monday. smile

Buffybee Thu 12-Dec-19 19:48:42

Hi Noregrets, I remember your previous thread and how devastated you were to be estranged from your Gc, after trying to protect them.
I seem to remember it was the little girl who confided in you about the abuse and her youngest brother had been encouraged to report back to Sil anything she told you.
I was worried myself when they cut you off, thinking of that little girl without her Gran to confide in.
I'm very pleased that you have been asked to pick the Gc up from school and to give them tea. I think that the best advise I can give would be to completely ignore the cutting off and act as though it never happened.
Least said, soonest mended, as they say.
Hope it all goes well for you all.flowers

Noregrets Thu 12-Dec-19 20:01:50

Thank you Buffybee. I do feel a need to say something to her, but don't want to say too much.

I hope I can use the next few days to get the opinions of people like you as to how to handle it.

To me, it feels as if I at least need to say something like, "I'm sorry if things have been difficult for you, but I was so worried about you, so thought I should tell someone what you told me so that they could help to sort things out"

And even then, to only do that if I have a few minutes alone with her?

Or maybe her brother needs to hear that? But not if he reports back of course!

Some wine has been taken, so hope this all makes sense!

All advice gratefully received!

Chewbacca Thu 12-Dec-19 20:10:05

I'm rubbish at advice Noregrets and so have nothing to offer except, tread carefully and let your daughter do the talking at first. That way, you won't be accused of offering unsolicited advice or risk putting your foot in it. Baby steps for a little while? Anyway, you've made good progress already today and so can look forward to being with your GC again.

All the very best.

Noregrets Thu 12-Dec-19 20:37:02

Hi Chewbacca. I am only considering what to say to the granddaughter who disclosed the abuse right now. Sorry if that wasn't clear.
I do wonder why it was my SIL who contacted my husband rather than my youngest D, the children's mother. But I just want to focus on the children first, then their Mummy later.
But thank you โค๏ธ

Chewbacca Thu 12-Dec-19 20:52:01

Told you I was rubbish at advice Noregrets! grin

Noregrets Thu 12-Dec-19 21:43:45

Chewbacca ๐Ÿ’“๐Ÿ’“๐Ÿ’“

Smileless2012 Thu 12-Dec-19 22:03:22

I would wait and see if when you're alone, your GD says anything to you Noregrets. You have a close bond with her in particular, so you will know instinctively I'm sure if there's anything that she's worried or upset about.

If you sense that there is you could ask if she's OK, if anything's worrying or upsetting her.

Bless her heart, she's very honest with you and trusting of you so I think she'll probably say something without you having to ask.

I'm not suggesting you shouldn't broach the subject, I just think it would be better if she talks to you without you saying anything, but I appreciate that may not be the case and your need to explain and reassure her.

Such a delicate and difficult situation which you are handling with courage and sensitivityflowersx

Noregrets Thu 12-Dec-19 22:26:27

Thank you so very much! I think it is interesting that we have been asked to have all three younger children. The only boy being his Daddy's designated spy. I feel I need to let IJ know how she could protect herself in the future, without him knowing.
Bless him, I can see that he has been more distant in hindsight. But still, at bedtime, seeking out my hand and clinging to it. Poor confused boy. ๐Ÿ˜”
How do I let IJ know without putting him in a difficult position. They used to be so close.

Noregrets Fri 13-Dec-19 01:39:31

Thanks Smileless. โค

I do think I need to mention how much her brave disclosure led to me alerting children's services. An then move swiftly on, without her much loved brother disguintg some significant similarities.

Sussexborn Fri 13-Dec-19 01:59:47

Not sure of the whole story but if the vast majority are happy and pleased for you I am sure it must be a good thing!

Starlady Fri 13-Dec-19 11:27:58

Great news, Noregrets! Thanks for sharing! IMO, it was very brave of you to step up to the plate the way you did. You sacrificed your own interested/risked getting CO for the sake of the children. Kudos! And yes, I know you did get CO, but, thankfully, SIL seems to have had a change of heart (at least for now, I don't blame you for approaching this cautiously).

To my knowledge, it's unusual for parents in this kind of situation to reach out to the GPs so "quickly." So I, too, suspect the social worker had an influence here. Either way, you, DH, and the GC are lucky. Hope all continues to go well, especially, of course, for the kids.

IMO, you are the hero in their lives. Bravo!

Noregrets Fri 13-Dec-19 13:00:44

Wow Starlady, thank you for such high praise. I am unsure whether contact will continue if the case is closed but I will try my best to enjoy seeing the children without worrying about the future. It was a hard decision to make of course, and a dreadful situation to be in. Thank you again x

MovingOn2018 Fri 13-Dec-19 13:29:57

How do I let IJ know without putting him in a difficult position. They used to be so close.

Your relationship with your granddaughter is not - (and shouldn't) - be more important than the close relationship she currently has with her own brother. And if there's anything you plan to do or say that may/will jeopardize their relationship, then you obviously should'nt do it for it wouldn't be in the childrens best interest. hmm

I do know that there is a body of research which shows that a significant emotional presence of even one person can help babies, toddlers, children, to develop resilience and self esteem.

True! But the key word here should be fit. One fit individual.

I feel I need to let IJ know how she could protect herself in the future, without him knowing.

Really? hmm

Thought your other post mentioned that you'd stop posting on this story but since you still are then we the readers should be free to offer feedback without the OP accusing views that don't exactly mirror or validate hers, as "Onslaught."

Smileless2012 Fri 13-Dec-19 13:36:33

There's a huge difference between offering feedback that isn't in accordance with the OP's views and an onslaught MovingOn.

If you could learn the difference maybe so many of your posts wouldn't be deleted.

MovingOn2018 Fri 13-Dec-19 13:51:06

Smileless2012 A person that's bad in math and has failed severally for almost a decade, obviously can't tutor another on how to be better in the subject. They will fail just like their tutor did - if not worse.

This should apply to relationships and those who've obvioulsy not done anything to remove themselves from the strained situation that they themselves are in - yet feel that they are the voice of those who find themselves in a similar situation. More especially when the said oerson has come to tems with their strained relationship and the other is looking for means to repair it.

And of course theres a huge difference between offering feedback that isn't in accordance with the OP's views and an onslaught. This should be obvious. But we are not here to validate her views either OK.

MovingOn2018 Fri 13-Dec-19 13:54:20

I mean are we now going to offer advice to this GP that supports the idea of her relationship with her GC being more important than the relationship her GC share with their sibling?

Smileless2012 Fri 13-Dec-19 13:54:26

You just carry on MovingOn bringing your bitter negativity to a thread started by the OP because of the good news she's received. Good news that has been welcomed by everyone but you.

MovingOn2018 Fri 13-Dec-19 14:02:54

Onslaught?

Please stop being ridiculous! If I wanted to be a false victim, then I'd very loosely throw this word around too anytime i didnt like what I was being told.

How is any of this in the GC best interests is the main point? Whats best for the GC and not whats best for the GP.

Plus if the parents were abusive to the children, why is it always this one child (IJ) that she's so ever concerned about and feels the need to protect? What about the other children?

MovingOn2018 Fri 13-Dec-19 14:07:29

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