Should he come to the funeral?

Dear Mealybug, I am so sorry to know what you & your beloved are going through at present. It's unimaginable to those of us who have never encountered such circumstances but I hope you feel Gransnet opinions can be helpful and that you have other loving support at this distressing time.
When my dad passed away many years ago, he wasn't exactly estranged from his siblings but they'd shown little interest in him during various incarcerations in hospital. I therefore didn't bother to tell them until after the cremation had taken place. Only one cousin still brings it up occasionally but I just change the subject. It has not caused estrangement in the wider family at all.
I suppose you have to ask yourself how bothered will you be if you never see or hear from the brother again if you don't tell him of your Dear One's demise? It doesn't sound as if they will bother with you if they can't be in touch with your Beloved in his hour of need so what have you got to lose? On the other hand I suppose you could let him know but be very very circumspect with him at the funeral. If it sadly transpires in the time of Covid I doubt you'll have a wake (?) so just give him a wide berth & monosyllabic if he speaks to you. He'll get the message.
I hope you'll find a way forward which will emotionally sit easy with you.

I'm so very sorry that your DH is now receiving end of life care Mealybug, I can't begin to imagine how difficult this must be for you.

It's perfectly understandable that you bear a grudge toward your b.i.l. and in your position I too would feel it hypocritical for him to attend the funeral when the time comes.

You cannot prevent him from attending but if you still feel this way when arrangements are being made, in your position I would contact him and tell him you'd prefer it if he didn't go as you don't feel it would be appropriate, and hope that he respects your wishes.

Can I start by saying how truly sorry I am for you,going through such a hard time with your DH,and for so many years.What a fighter your DH is. I know how the bitterness creeps in when family members just dont show they care.There are so many easy ways to keep in touch so there is no excuse for the brother and his wife to have not reached out to you or you DH.It is unforgivable! It has to be your choice if you want them at the inevitable funeral,would guilt eat away at you if you denied them,or would you feel ok if you didnt allow them.At the end of the day the brother has to live with his conscience and guilt! Its a hard one but only you know how you feel.It is truly an unimaginable time for anyone to be going through.I wish you well

Firstly I’m really sorry to hear what you are both going through, must be incredibly hard, I can totally understand where you are coming from when you say how you feel, I know lots of people find it incredibly hard to visit a loved one when they are ill, but I personally think there is no reason why they can’t call and ask about them, or send a card , it’s really sad for all as you say they were once close, if you don’t want him there, then that’s your decision, sending you a virtual hug, we went through something quite similar, and until you are in that position yourself it’s very hard to say, I couldn’t go by your post without commenting, wishing you well mealybug x