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Estrangement

Frightened I will never see her or overcome this block

(242 Posts)
SallyB392 Tue 07-Apr-20 08:14:20

My youngest daughter stopped communication way back in 2012. She was very angry with her Dad and I, though we never really understood what she's angry about. We have tried apologising, trying to gently suggest moving on, proposing family counselling, as well as simply giving her space.

With this virus, my daughter is very high risk due to severe disability, her husband is a member of front line staff. I have tried contacting both,offering any help they might need, and pleading for some form of rapprochement, with the same result as always........nothing!

I know it's selfish of me but I so need that contact, to know that she is well, to help if I'm able. It's breaking my heart.

Luckygirl Tue 07-Apr-20 10:06:51

It is not selfish - it is normal to feel like that. I am sorry you are going through this and wish there was a solution I could come up with. xx

Smileless2012 Tue 07-Apr-20 10:24:22

Sallyflowers I think for many covid 19 is bringing to fore front of their minds their estrangements.

For some who have been estranged the reality of that painful experience is highlighted by the fact that at this time, they cannot speak to the family member they're missing and there's a real fear that they will never see or hear from them again.

As Luckygirl has posted, there's nothing selfish about the way you're feeling; a mother whose worried about her D whose particularly vulnerable at this time.

Our estrangement began in 2012 too so I do understand how awful this is for you although our ES is, as far as we know, in good health.

You have once again reached out and I'm so sorry that once again there's been no response.

You've done all that you can for now so as hard as I know this is, for now there's nothing more you can do.

I really am very sorry xx.

Nonnie Tue 07-Apr-20 10:35:50

I can't help, all I can say is that you are not alone, there are many more on here in the same situation. flowers

notanan2 Tue 07-Apr-20 10:45:04

Wow with all they are dealing with right now I really think the LAST thing they need is someone they dont want to hear from persisting in contacting them.

Now is not the time to pick at their scabs.

They know where you are if their mind were to change. But you not respecting their previous answers is making that less likely to happen

notanan2 Tue 07-Apr-20 10:46:03

As Luckygirl has posted, there's nothing selfish about the way you're feeling

Not selfish to feel it
Selfish to act on it though

Greymar Tue 07-Apr-20 10:48:59

Sally, so sorry. What an awful time. I think letters and still being sent. Could you try? Something light weight, nothing too heavy. Worth a go?

Greymar Tue 07-Apr-20 10:49:41

Oh, OK, clearly I don't know what I am talking about again.

Better shut up now.

notanan2 Tue 07-Apr-20 10:57:51

Sally, so sorry. What an awful time. I think letters and still being sent. Could you try? Something light weight, nothing too heavy. Worth a go?

To persist in contacting people who already made it clear they dont want contact is harassment.

To harass a key worker/vulnerable household at this time is unforgivable

If the final nail wasnt already in the coffin, this would be it!

silverlining48 Tue 07-Apr-20 11:08:46

Sally has posted already today and she is not in a good place at present. A little kindness goes a long way.

notanan2 Tue 07-Apr-20 11:11:01

Her feelings are valid
But posters saying she should maje others feel worse so that she feeks better are in the wrong.

It would not be okay to ADD to the problems an already under pressure household has right now

Smileless2012 Tue 07-Apr-20 11:39:59

No you're not in the wrong Greymar you're giving your opinion and a suggestion that we're all entitled to do.

Exactly Silverlining there's no need to express an opinion insensitively especially at this time.

Smileless2012 Tue 07-Apr-20 11:42:58

It wouldn't be too much to ask IMO for the OP's D to contact her by text for example and let her mum know that health wise she's fine and ask her not to contact her again.

That would at least give Sally some peace of mind, something that we all need right now.

notanan2 Tue 07-Apr-20 11:53:30

How many times does the DD have to decline further contact before it is deemed valid?

(Clue: if the DD were to go to the police, they would already consider any further contact from OP to be harassment).

OP has asked for contact several times and has had a consistant response

The DD does not want to be contacted by her.

So to deliberately contact someone who OP knows does not want it. At an already difficult time. Would be a GROSS act of unkindness.

Chewbacca Tue 07-Apr-20 12:04:32

A little kindness goes a very long way.

notanan2 Tue 07-Apr-20 12:05:50

Where's the kindness in telling the OP to do something that could get her a call from the police or an end to any chance of future reconcilliation?

Chewbacca Tue 07-Apr-20 12:09:00

Ok notanan you've made your point, loud and clear. We get it.

Greymar Tue 07-Apr-20 12:28:25

Out of respect to the OP, I will not add to this.

Granniesunite Tue 07-Apr-20 12:32:18

I know how you feel Sally and as luckygirl said up thread, it is very normal to feel the way you do. You’d be a very funny mum to feel otherwise.

To give birth to a child, to nurture and love that child as best you can, then to be told you did it all wrong is soul destroying.

You’ve now done all you can by trying to contact your child and that has been ignored. That really is the very hard part to accept. But that’s what I’ve had to accept or go under myself but I’ve three more adult children to support and love me.

I hope you have too.

Perhaps in time your adult child will communicate with you so until then be very kind to yourself because your deserve kindness. It comes across in your post that your care.

maddyone Tue 07-Apr-20 12:34:40

Greymar you’re not wrong, and your opinion is not wrong. Estrangement is a terrible thing for many families, and you were simply offering a possible way forward.

Starblaze Tue 07-Apr-20 12:40:27

I think after that length of time the chances of reconsiliation are very small. Work through your feelings, really feel them, grieve and move on. Contacting estranged children at this time will only add to their stress when they receive it and your stress when you get no reply.

3nanny6 Tue 07-Apr-20 13:03:27

SallyB392 ; It is perfectly understandable to feel as you do with what is happening around us with the covid 19 and all of us are feeling emotional about our families.

With your estrangement it is intensified as you are longing for some form of contact. The only thing you want is that contact but clearly it is not forth coming and for whatever reason your daughter is still staying no contact. You must take a step back take care of yourself even distract yourself with other matters right now

It has been eight years that does not mean you have to give up and there are mothers that will never give up hoping of reconciliation, this may not be the right time but one day even if you do not expect it your greatest hope could be realised and some word could come to you
Best Wishes.

Smileless2012 Tue 07-Apr-20 13:35:58

"A little kindness goes a long way" yes it does Chewbacca and unfortunately a lot of anger can go a long way toosad.

SusieFlo Tue 07-Apr-20 13:50:28

I think I would try to rest assured that as you have offered, and assuming they have read your messages , and even if not, you are still her mother so they will contact you if they need to. I don’t think it’s harassment to offer help!

Evoha16 Tue 07-Apr-20 14:11:37

I think in this situation consideration should be given to daughter and partners feelings - I recall when my Husband's sister contacted me when he had a heart attack - it caused an awful lot of stress - she had bullied and manipulated his family over the years into having no contact with my lovely Husband - he’s completely estranged from his 8 siblings - causing such sadness - we had to take a legal remedy to stop her. Insight into and reflection on the repercussions and ramifications of our actions goes some way to help accept situations we may have deliberately or inadvertently caused. I hope the OP finds a resolution to this situation.