Gransnet forums

Estrangement

Anyone there? Need support!

(17 Posts)
Marg63 Tue 02-Jun-20 16:50:47

Hi Ive just joined Gransnet.

I've been searching for a long time for support to help me cope with estrangement from my DD and DG/D. It has been nearly 2 years since I saw them last. The 2 years prior to that I saw them only half a dozen times.

For the first 2 years of my DG/D's birth I was very much involved and was so happy. I don't really know why this has happened. There was no big argument between us. I have racked my brain trying to understand why. I tried my best for my children and have always been there for them.
I have tried to keep in touch with letters, cards, but to no avail and was told not to send any more.

I am heartbroken. I don't have any other GC and not likely to have any.

I did read a post where somebody said estrangement was a living bereavement, and for me it is. I had 2 years of private counselling which helped a little. Estrangement from my DD and DG/D feels very lonely as I don't know anyone else who has gone through, or is going through this.

Sorry to go on but it is a relief to find a UK site with a forum on the subject of Estrangement, where hopefully I can find other people who are in the same situation.

Thanks for listening.

Sabanilas123 Tue 02-Jun-20 17:07:22

I understand. I have been estranged from my daughter for almost a year now and it is like a bereavement; I think it’s called ambiguous loss, there’s grief but also that feeling that you can never give up hope.
Counselling does help but the disbelief and the question how and why did this happen is always there.
I was shocked to hear how common an issue this is too.

Smileless2012 Tue 02-Jun-20 17:25:06

Welcome to GN Marg there are several estranged parents and GP's here who will understand what you're going through.

A welcome to you too Sabanilas. It's great that you've found this site to share with others who are going through the same as you.

It as as you say, described as a living bereavement and that's exactly what it is. We grieve for the adult child we have lost, and often GC too. Our process of grieving is just as it would be if we'd lost them due to bereavement.

The first thing we experience is shock, often followed by anger that this could happen to us, that they could treat us this way. Then comes the pain. The pain of losing what we once had and having lost what we thought we would have, especially when GC are involved.

With time, for some of us comes acceptance. That doesn't get rid of the anger or the pain but it does enable us to move on and rebuild our lives.

There is life after estrangement. Peace and happiness can be found with time.

We've been estranged from our youngest son and only GC for 7.5 years, and for most of that time I've been here on GN, receiving support and comfort from others living the same nightmare as well as those with no personal experience.

I too was shocked, but also found some comfort in discovering just how common this is Sabanilas. When it first happens, you think you're the only one, that people will judge you and see the fault as being yours. Some do unfortunately but you begin to realise that if and when they do, the fault lies with them and not you.

There is a thread on this forum 'Support for all those living with estrangement' where the majority of us who are estranged post on a regular basis.

You'll be most welcome there, as you are here.

I hope you both post again as I'm certain you'll find the care and support and I and many others have found here on GN over the years.

Take careflowers.

Toadinthehole Tue 02-Jun-20 17:52:40

It’s so sad when something like this happens. We were kind of the other side. A young family with very difficult in laws. We tried so hard to speak to them, but my MIL was on constant denial. We were on and out of each other’s lives for around 25 years, and then had had enough. Unfortunately * Marg63*, there is going to be something that kicked it off. People don’t go no contact for no reason. It’s just such a shame they haven’t given you a chance to put it right. Time will heal, I’m sure, but I do hope you get the chance to resolve it.

Smileless2012 Tue 02-Jun-20 18:19:20

Such a shame Toadinhehole that your m.i.l. missed out on so much. Communication is key but impossible with those who will not listen and/or walk away making communication impossible.

Marg63 Tue 02-Jun-20 18:27:10

There has been issues in the past with divorce from the CF. My son has chose to move on and does not judge. I have apologised how things have turned out as I know it has affected my DD. What I can't understand is how I was allowed to be involved for the first 2 years. DD has estranged from her brother as well.

I wish I could stop going through things in my head trying to find an answer. I have asked DD to talk to me and offered to pay for family mediation. I have also offered to provide counselling for DD if that would help.

I know I have to accept her decision now, so I only occasionally send a short text hoping they are all well and saying the door is always open.

I had an abusive childhood, so I wanted my children to be happy and secure in the knowledge that their parents cherished them so I did my best. I think this is why it is harder to come to terms with as I feel I have failed.

Toadinthehole Tue 02-Jun-20 18:35:21

Yes Smileless, your story is so sad and a pointless waste. My MIL refused to acknowledge there was a problem, and wouldn’t talk. I really hope somewhere in the future, your son will come to his senses. It sounds like you’ve dealt with it all very well.

Toadinthehole Tue 02-Jun-20 18:42:54

Bless you Marg63. It sounds like you’ve done all you can for now. At least you have your son for support, and a partner? Sorry for my ignorance, but what is ‘ CF’? Are you talking about your divorce? It’s also difficult at the moment, to get out and do things for yourself. Don’t try and look too far ahead, just live each day as it comes. People do change, and your daughter might just be one of them. All the best to you💐

Smileless2012 Tue 02-Jun-20 19:26:36

You haven't failed Marg63. You did all that you could for your D when you were a part of her life and have done all that you can to bring about a reconciliation since your estrangement.

As Toadinthehole has suggested, "live each day as it comes" taking one day at a time is the only way to cope.

Sabanilas123 Tue 02-Jun-20 19:59:41

Thank you. I sense your wisdom has been hard won through these experiences.
I keep thinking back to when my children were small, never in my wildest dreams could I imagine losing one in this way. But then we never know what life has in store for us do we? For now, I’m focusing on counting the blessings.

Starblaze Tue 02-Jun-20 21:40:21

Hard as it is Marg maybe you should take that counselling for you. I too had an abusive childhood and I estranged my mum because of it. Even though some of the abuse was obvious and easy to avoid with my children, I also had picked up some of her behaviours and developed defensive behaviours that could have caused all sorts of problems without my coming to see them for what they were.

Take this time and focus on you. There are lots of amazing books out there for children who grew up in abuse and counselling is amazing. The counselling can also help you deal with your situation as it is and help you to acclimatise if the situation hopefully improves in future.

Smileless2012 Tue 02-Jun-20 22:12:44

You're welcome Sabanilas. It's hard to take in isn't it, it's happened and yet we still can't quite believe itsad.

Sparkling Wed 03-Jun-20 07:37:24

Marg63, so hard on you and the others estranged from your grown up children. I guess as mothers we are just tuned in to sorting everything out if we can and feeling responsible for things that upset our children. We all do the best we can and mothers are very different, but mostly no one truly loves us like our moms. It must feel unnatural as no one thinks their child will walk away from them. You did the best you could and loved her, if she doesn't want you there's no alternative but to accept it, hope she's happy and pour your energies into other things. If a Pandemic doesn't show anyone what is really important I don't think there is much chance of a reunion.💐

Toadinthehole Wed 03-Jun-20 08:15:17

Yes, because of our experiences, I made sure I enjoyed every moment I could with my four when they were little. You never know what’s round the corner, and so often out of your control. One thing I did learn from both sets of parents really, was how NOT to behave with our children. I wish all you in estrangement, the best, and for swift conclusions.

Smileless2012 Wed 03-Jun-20 09:04:26

I think you're right Sparklingsadand for some who are estranged perhaps this pandemic has brought home to them just how unlikely a reunion is.

Toadintheholesmile

LeeElizabeth Fri 12-Jun-20 23:38:24

She is my only child and she wants nothing to do with me. I have no other children or grandchildren.

Smileless2012 Sat 13-Jun-20 10:08:15

I've responded this morning to just about everything you've posted LeeElizabeth and am sending you a private message.

I think you're new to GN so if you look at the too right hand corner of the page you'll see a yellow rectangle with the word Inbox, if you click on there you'll find my message.

I just want to know that you're alrightflowers.