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Estrangement from 2 daughters.

(6 Posts)
Coffeebix Fri 07-Aug-20 14:36:11

Hello, I have a problem. I have three daughters. I brought them up from 4, 9 and 13 myself and I thought we were very close. My eldest grandson lived with md for 3 years and then had had to go I to care (he was 18 and autistic and needed more help than I could give) I was told to tell Socisl services he could no longer live with me. Ever since that time his mother has not spoken to me directly or contacted me accept about the kids. My other daughter stopped talking to me because even I came to thd end with Luke and was very stressed etc. I told both daughters I needed to go away for a week. They both hit the roof. My one grandsons mother did not want to come over and look after him while I away and my other daughter was angry as I could not look after her son after school for that week. Even though her sister would have helped. Since then neither talk to me or initiate conversation. The ignore me unless I ask them something. They no longer involve me in anything etc. My youngest daughter has tried to intervene but I told her to leave it as she would only be in the middle. I never did go on the weeks holiday as I said I would cancel it, but they just blanked me. I am Not perfect but I have bent over backwards to help them many times but that all seems forgotten. I asked them individually to meet me somewhere neutral to discuss but they refused. I am so esperately hurt by all this and I just dont know how to come to terms with it all. It makes me so down. Does anyone have any advice please? I am sorry this post is so long but I had to give some detail. Thank you.

smoothie Fri 07-Aug-20 18:46:46

I’m very sorry for what you are going through, everyone needs a break at some point and no one should ever be faulted for that.

I commend you on your asking your other daughter to not get involved in the situation, that shows a lot of maturity.

The sadness you feel will continue on unfortunately, I’d suggest sending a letter or email to both daughters apologizing for any mistakes you may have made in this situation (but list some of your errors out like “I shouldn’t have shouted at you during our conversation and I’m so sorry that I did, you did nothing to deserve it.”) I know that you may feel you don’t need to apologize, but if your goal is reconciliation I promise you that acknowledging some of your missteps (do not however apologize for the entire situation, because you needed a break and there is nothing wrong with that, don’t apologize for something you are not sorry for) and asking for forgiveness gives you the best chances at reconciliation, please believe me. It may be uncomfortable to do so, but this is the price everyone needs to pay when we want to solve our conflicts. I’ve had to do it, I’ve had to apologize for things that in the moment I meant, but after the fact I know it hurt the other person and I know it was wrong of me. Sometimes it makes me extremely uncomfortable to do so, but I get through it because I love the other person. Relationships do not heal properly if people sweep conflicts under the rug and reunite without acknowledging faults, no matter how big or small, the relationship will never be what it used to be and there will be resentment.

So after apologizing in the letter, end it with saying you’d like to try again, please know my door is open, please contact me if/when you are ready. And then unfortunately all you can do is wait, which I know is so so hard. You must follow through with waiting for them to contact you, even if it means several months to show that your letter is genuine. I give you permission to sob into the couch pillows all you need to and to lay about eating some sweets if that makes you feel better.

I so hope that you all can come together out of this stronger than before, you do a lot for your family coffeebix, you should be proud of yourself smile Take care of yourself and stay strong flowers

Bibbity Fri 07-Aug-20 19:13:24

You’ve done your time.
You stepped up and went above and beyond. They sound selfish and horrible.
Your life matters. Your mental health matters and you enjoying your time on Earth matters.
You are not their skivvy.
You need to stop serving them in the hope that they will throw you crumbs.
What you did for Luke was amazing.
You don’t owe your daughters anything.

Blank them. Let them sort out their own children. If they want something from you they can do it with a civil tongue and some gratitude.

sodapop Fri 07-Aug-20 19:28:35

I tend to agree with Bibity you have done a great deal for your family Coffeebix and deserve time to get your life together again. Leave the door open for your daughters but take care of yourself first and foremost.

BibiSarah Fri 07-Aug-20 19:35:05

Jeez. Your grandson was living with you and his mum and aunty are being horrible to you because you couldn’t cope anymore and he’s now in residential care?

Can you say to them well, if he’d been living with either of you you’d have more of an idea as to why it had to be done and it’s not up for discussion so away and save your puff for blowing your porridge.

You still have one of your girls in your life and it’s her I’d be concentrating on. It won’t be easy but please please stop letting the other two bully you.

Amelia247 Mon 10-Aug-20 14:44:34

Sometimes it’s best to give people what they want. They’ll come crawling back when they need you for something again and you’ll get to decide on your terms how helpful you want to be after the way they’ve treated you. Please go on that vacation. Enjoy some time away and come home with a new attitude of putting yourself first. Pick up a new hobby, try to make new friends (if you’re lonely) and build on the relationship with your youngest daughter.